Me, Myself, and I

Top: Fossil

Skirt: Old Navy

Shoes: Kensie Girl

Jewelry: The Limited

"The past is a grotesque animal and in it's eyes you see." - Of Montreal

I started this blog not to receive compliments and validation, but to express myself through the things I love: fashion, photography, music, and writing. I realized that being from a small town I didn't know a thing about fashion. I also knew nothing about photography. What I did know was that I loved the clothing at Anthropologie, appreciated the artistic pictures in the catalog, and enjoyed reading Anthro-related fashion blogs. I thought it would be fun to do my own blog with Anthro-esque photo shoots. Growing up on a farm, there are many places around me that look interesting for photos. I knew I wasn't a model or beautiful. I just thought it would be fun and give me a creative outlet. I also knew I wasn't a great writer, but I have a passion for it and thought this would be a way for me to live my dream. I found writing about my life and sharing it with others therapeutic. I knew I would never have many followers, but I thought if I could connect with a few people who had been through similar experiences, it would be a positive influence in my life. Of course, I wasn't naive. I expected to receive some negative comments. I did my best to take the criticism and make something useful out of it. I had readers tell me that a dress I was wearing would look better styled a different way. I took their advice and posted a different look based on their suggestions. I didn't think so highly of myself that I wasn't open to other people's opinions. Quite the opposite, I have a problem thinking everyone is better than me and relying too heavily on their opinions.

I grew up under a controlling, perfectionist mom. Nothing I ever did was good enough. I maintained straight A's throughout school and was valedictorian of my graduating class. This was not good enough for her. She constantly called me lazy and said that she doubted I'd be able to get into the local community college. My school life wasn't that nurturing in the self-confidence area either. The summer between 6th and 7th grade, my boobs grew from nonexistent to DD's. I've always been an average sized person - not skinny, but not overweight either. Needless to say, the DD's stood out on my frame. I was picked on horribly. It got so bad at one point, I considered going to a different school. Ultimately, I was too shy and scared to go to a different school, so I stayed there and took the abuse. I did manage to get into college, but spent my first 2 years hiding away from people because I had horrible social anxiety. I struggled every morning to get to class on time because it took me so long to get ready. I felt like I couldn't leave my house unless I looked a certain way. I still struggle with this. I had a breast reduction the summer after my first year in college and that helped a lot with my self-esteem. Also, once I declared my major, I made some friends and college life got easier. I started coming out of my shell some. I even went out to the clubs a few times. Due to my past, I've never had high self-esteem. Also, I'm easily swayed by other people's opinions. As I've gotten older, my self-confidence has increased, but I still find myself caring too much about what others think. I guess I never learned to value my own opinions. 

I never anticipated when I started this blog, the shit storm that has happened over the past few weeks. I just wanted to write about an important event in my life in the only way I knew how - unfiltered honesty. I didn't want attention, and I didn't want to hurt anyone. 

I'm struggling with my self-confidence again, and it's my own fault. I can't seem to keep myself from reading the negative comments on other sites. I've had people say I have "man face", and I look like a transgender person. After reading those comments, I started looking closely at my pictures and started buying into what they were saying about me. I've always taken pride in my femininity, but I'm doubting that now. Every time I look in the mirror, the comments about how ugly I am play out in my head. I've read comment after comment about my awful hair. Yes, I agree, it's not the ideal hair, but I do what I can with it. I've read that I'm huge and look pregnant. I'm aware my body isn't perfect. I try my best to dress it to emphasize the positive and camouflage the negative.

People have been asking me "why" a lot lately. Well, I've got a why of my own. Why me? These websites promote themselves as calling people out on their bullshit. Most of the bloggers they target have huge followings, get lots of perks for blogging, and present an image that is only positive. I have hardly any followers, I have never received a single dime for blogging, and I don't bullshit. I tell about my life just the way it is. So why do you feel the need to bash me? You think my poses are funny? You think my face is ugly? You think my hair is bad? You think I'm fat? You don't agree with my life choices? You think I'm a homewrecking whore? If these are your reasons then how are you any better than the people you are criticizing? You say fashion bloggers are shallow, you say we are immature, and you say we only care about ourselves. How is what you are doing any different?

I know this post is bad idea. I'm just adding more fuel to the fire. I need to move on. People will say I'm just doing it for sympathy or attention. Well, I haven't moved on yet, and I'm having a hard time with all this. I know, I know. You've got to be thick-skinned to post on the Internet. Well, I'm not thick-skinned. I know it's my problem, and I'm not typing this for sympathy. I'm just being honest about the way I'm feeling right now. I'm a insecure woman who is still haunted by my past and gives too much weight to other people's opinions.

I'm just me. I may not be pretty, skinny, or smart, but I own who I am, flaws and all. I'm putting myself out here, so I know I have to be willing to handle everything that's thrown my way, but it doesn't mean I have to like it. It would be so easy to shut up shop and run away from all the negativity, but I'll be damned if I'll let the harsh comments of others stop me from doing something I love. I understand if I choose to read the negative comments on other sites, I have to deal with the insecurities it exposes in myself. However, by the same turn, if you choose to read this blog, you're gonna be stuck with my ugly face and my ugly reality whether you like it or not.