Tuesday, August 12, 2014

Survivor

Earrings: Anthropologie Coined Gypsy Hoops
 

"We're built to last..." - The Wind and + The Wave 
 
I've been wanting to take photos with this tree growing out of the wall for years. I mean, how cool is it that some random tree is growing out of a wall in the middle of town, not to mention the metaphors I could write related to this sucker? However, it just hasn't been big enough to capture both me and the tree in a photo until now. I can't believe how much it's grown! It's even bearing some kind of fruit or nuts or something... See them hanging down way at the top in that last picture? Anybody know what kind of tree this is? I would love to know.
 
Anyway, this thing was a twig a few years back when Jerry and I first started taking photos. I figured it would die or be destroyed before it would ever get big enough for a photo. It seems like all our other photo spots are being destroyed or boarded up. The one thing this town had going for it was all the crusty, old buildings for photos. I mean, I get the ones that are being torn down because they are being rebuilt or are condemned, but I do not get putting a piece of plywood over a perfectly good door.
 
Given the city's new found affinity for plywood, I was glad we were able to find a new photo spot under this amazing tree. I say amazing because how the Hell does this tree survive, let alone thrive, in a fucking wall? I like to imagine there's some little gnomes or something living inside the building giving it magical fertilizer and water. More likely, there's some drug addicts in there throwing their old crack pipes and needles in it. Maybe I should call it the "Magical Crack Tree." There used to be a tree on my college campus that everyone called the "Cancer Tree" because it was full of cigarette butts...

Damn, I'm rambling. I meant to write this deep, metaphorical post about how life is like this tree, struggling to survive with the odds stacked against it, but I'm just not feeling it. Nope, I'm fresh out of hope today. I'm getting old, my kids are getting old, Robin Williams is dead... The world seems like a dark place.

I wish it didn't bother me so much that time keeps marching on and things keep changing. I suppose I should be glad that my kids are growing up, thriving, and becoming individuals, but instead it fills me with great sadness. Like, my heart physically hurts when I think about it. It seems so surreal that my baby making days are over, that yet another chapter in my life has come to close. I feel that I'm edging ever closer to becoming obsolete like the boarded up buildings in town. I have 10 more years with my kids and then what? It's a scary fucking thought.

 Sorry to be all pessimistic and shit, but just keeping it real, folks. Something about this tree is comforting, though. It reminds me that even though our circumstances may be different the cycle of life is pretty much the same for us all. There are plenty of things we can't change about life, but we do have control over how we perceive it during the short time we are here.
 
 

From the Wreckage Build a Home by The Wind and The Wave on Grooveshark

Friday, August 1, 2014

Renaissance Woman

 
"Isolation..." - Beck
 
As I'm sure you are all well aware, I've been phoning this shit in for awhile now. At some point along the way, I got scared, scared of sharing my raw, unfiltered thoughts on here. I mean, I put up a good fight for a time there, but eventually it all just got to be too much. I got lazy. It's tiresome sharing your life with the masses - your real life, mind you, and not the fake, pretty one that's full of cherry-picked moments. I felt a constant need to defend myself and my actions, probably because I wasn't sure of myself or my actions. How could I be when I've never had any kind of real support system?

The past few months I've entered a phase in my life of self-discovery. Maybe I'm immature and should have gone through this shit in my twenties. I guess I'm a late bloomer. Whatever. I pretty much walked around like a zombie throughout my twenties, letting everyone else make my decisions and popping out a baby every few years. Besides, someone once said that the late blooms have the richest hue... Anyway, I've had an awakening of sorts. I've been doing a lot of soul searching and have been trying to figure out why I'm so fucked up about so many things.

I hate to be all cliché' and blame it all on my parents, but, damn if I don't blame a lot of it on them. Maybe blame is not the right word. I don't know if there is a right word. Basically, I'm trying to understand where they went wrong in order to better myself. I get that this parenting thing is shaky at best. You do what you think is right and try not to fuck the kids up too much. I forgive them for all the ways they failed me, and I love them unconditionally. The problem is they don't forgive me, they don't love me unconditionally, and they don't admit that they have ever done anything wrong.

This awakening was brought about because, once again, my parents aren't speaking to me, and this time it's for the stupidest fucking reason. I won't get into the details to protect the perpetually innocent. The details don't really matter anyway, because there is no reason why my parents should just pretend I don't exist. I can't really describe the mind fuck that it is to be rejected by your parents. I mean, I've been through it before, countless times, but for some damn reason, it never gets easier. You'd think I'd be numb to it by now, but no. I feel extremely isolated. Like, if my own parents can't love me then who the hell can?

I have no one in my life that I can talk to that can relate to me on this topic. Jerry and my friends didn't have perfect relationships with their parents, but they didn't have this. I have a sister, so you would think I could talk to her about it, and I have. Problem is, she's got a dog in this fight. What I mean is that she understands and sympathizes with me that our parents are fucked up, but she needs them for certain things so she's got to keep them close. The reality is that she benefits from any estrangement I have with my parents.

So, without a person to really turn to, I've been turning to websites and books. Those have been real eye opening. I'm no psychiatrist, but the explanation that I relate to the most is that my parents are narcissistic. I find that really ironic, because I've had numerous commenters on this blog call me just that. Maybe I am. I feel pretty certain that my parents are, so I guess I'm genetically predisposed to it or something. The thing is, I don't do half the things that good little narcissists are suppose to do, but my parents do almost all of them.

"The narcissistic mother criticizes and hides behind a veneer of martyrdom when her child needs her support." This description had me in tears when I read it because, save for a few traits, it is a spot-on description of my mom. She's more of manipulative narcissists. In order to get me to do as she wishes, she uses negative reinforcement and other mind games.

"They lie to get out of emotional responsibility." My dad's more of a straightforward narcissists. He only cares about himself and doesn't want anything to inconvenience him. He'll lie, hurt my feelings, and do whatever else it takes to get out of something he doesn't really feel like doing. It's all about him all the time.

"There are narcissistic parents who deny their children's existence by insisting their children be and do what THEY want, and there are those who deny their children's existence by simply ignoring their children altogether." Both of my parents do both of these things interchangeably. Right now, they are doing the later. It hurts, but at least I have a name for it now. At least I know it's not me. It's them.

I've ordered a book called, "Will I Ever Be Good Enough?" I've been waiting patiently for it to arrive for a week now, but as fate would have it, it hasn't. Amazon says it was delivered days ago, but it's no where to be found. It would seem that life is saying, "Fuck you for trying to help yourself." Or maybe my mom somehow intercepted it...or maybe her prayer warriors have struck again...I don't know. What I do know is that I'm determined to unlock the mystery that is me, to forgive myself for not being the daughter my parents wished I was, to love my true self, and to be a better woman for it.

Wave by Beck on Grooveshark

Friday, July 25, 2014

Crackalackin

Skirt: Cracker Barrel
Necklace: Anthropologie Bijouterie Layering Necklace
Flip Flops: Old Navy
 

"Show me my silver lining. Try to keep on keeping on..." - First Aid Kit

So, I fell in love with a dress. Yeah, I know, that's pretty much a daily occurrence for me, but no, seriously, I FELL IN LOVE with a dress. From the moment I saw the Shibori Maxi Dress on Anthropologie's website, I knew it must be mine. The subdued grey tie-dye print, the gauze-like material, the cute cut out in the back...ah, it's a hippie chicks dream dress.

Even though I think I spied this dress the minute they put it on the website, it was on backorder. I think Anthro does that just to torture the junkies like myself. They'll put a dress out on the website way before they have any inventory. You know, just to fuck with us and make us want it even more, and it totally works. As the weeks went by, I was practically foaming at the mouth to get my hands on this dress. Finally, it shipped! It felt like Christmas when the package arrived in my mailbox, and I ripped into it like a crazed, hope-filled kid jacked up on Christmas spirit. Of course, once I got it on my body, it was a total letdown. The dress fit beautifully everywhere except...you guessed it...my motherfreakn' boobs. I got a medium, and I couldn't even zip the damn thing. So, back to the store it went.

Over the next couple of weeks, I found myself thinking about the dress at random times, wondering what might have been if the makers could have just considered that busty gals want to wear cute hippie dresses too. Eventually, though, I let it go and moved on with my life. After all, I had a road trip to take to Tennessee.

As is the case with many of our road trips, we ended up at a Cracker Barrel for breakfast one day, and as usual, I got suckered into buying toys at the parental money pit that is the Cracker Barrel Old Country Store. However, this time, mama got a little something-something for herself. While my little girl was seeking out the perfect toy, I found the silver lining to this story: a Cracker Barrel Exclusive Tie Dyed Maxi Skirt. Yep, I bought a skirt at Cracker Barrel. I can't believe I just typed that sentence...

I'm telling you, though, the country fried set has apparently gone cookoo for boho. There was a little section in the corner of the store that looked like a mini-Anthro. I saw several tops and necklaces that I would have bought if I had the money, but in the end, I just stuck with the $30 skirt. It's no Shibori Maxi Dress, but it comes pretty damn close.   


My Silver Lining by First Aid Kit on Grooveshark

Friday, July 18, 2014

Anthropologie Fitting Room Reviews

I had a chance to visit the new store in my area again this past weekend, and this time I managed to arrive early enough to snap some pics for reviews. So, here ya go:
 
Windward Dress ($178)  This is definitely a gasp worthy dress on the hanger, but sadly, my lovely lady lumps proved too much for it to handle. You pretty much have to be flat chested to wear this thing. I sized up to a 10 and my boobs were still packed in like sardines. Also, can I just vent for a minute about my utter disdain for built in slips? By the time you figure out how to get your arms and head through all the different holes, 5 minutes has gone by and you're a sweaty, hot mess. Once you cool off and are able to take a look at it in the mirror, you realize the slip part is all kinds of crooked up in there. After fighting with the cursed slip for a few more minutes, you are finally dressed, but you are so hot and frustrated, all you want to do is take the damn thing off! Pass!  

Rubus Maxi Dress ($168) Jeweled-toned maxi dress? Yes, please. Weird mesh fabric? Not so much. I had a few problems with this dress. To start, it's one low cut motherfucker. I looked in the mirror and the first thing I said to myself was, "Bewbs!" They are out there in all their glory in this dress. Secondly, it's a tad bit long to wear with flats, and I pretty much always wear flats with maxi's. Who am I kidding? I'm old. I pretty much wear flats, period. The last problem was the pantyhose-esque material I mentioned earlier. I can see myself going postal on some people if forced to wear this dress in hot, humid conditions. Still, with all those problems, I loved it. I love the pattern and the colors are really awesome on me. So, here's what I did: I ordered the petite version in a medium, and I plan on wearing a camisole underneath. I figure with the darker colors, this dress can take me through the Fall with a nice denim jacket. Purchased.   

Pelona Shirtdress ($118)  Green dress, great fit, good price - sold! I got this one in a size medium and not a minute too soon. We had some of our hottest temperatures this week, and this dress came in real handy. In addition to being easy to throw on, it was cool, comfortable, and still work appropriate. Purchased.

Manen Top ($48)  I was drawn to this top by the color, but took one look at the shape and decided to pass it by. However, Jerry stopped me and said, "You're not going to try that on? I think it would look good on you." So, I took this into the fitting room for him, and see? I was right. No bueno. I tried this in a size small. Oh, and did I mention that I was right? Pass.

Tassel-Fringe Tank ($68)  This top had that hippie vibe to it that is my bread and butter, so back to the fitting room it went. Once I got it on, though, I just wasn't feeling it. The little tassels on the front looked weird to me, and the fit of the medium was just off. Pass. 


Olvera Tank ($78)  This was the first item I saw when I walked into the door. I wasn't sure if I liked it or not, but once I got it on, I was smitten. I tried on a medium, and the fit was spectacular. It's surprisingly slimming for a swingy top. I don't wear many corals and pinks, so I felt like this would be a good piece to have in my closet. It's a welcome departure from all the blues I've been buying lately. Purchased. 

Anatole Tank ($88)  Jerry strikes again. I picked this top up in the store and instantly knew it wouldn't work on me, but Jerry insisted that I try it on, so...you know how this story goes... (everybody say it along with me) I was right. I believe this is a size medium, and well, it just looks like a big lace box to me. Also, the cutouts at the bottom remind me of a court jester's hat. Pass.

Scrollwork Maxi Dress ($138)  Man, did this dress throw me for a loop size wise. When I held it up and looked at it, it looked like even a size large would be too small for me. This thing looks tiny on the hanger. Once I tried it on, though, I realized that I needed a medium. The medium is the one you are seeing in the photo above. I think it looked smaller than normal on the hanger because the top part of the dress cuts in around the shoulder area so much. I thought this dress was fabulous, and I have a cross back bra that would work great with it. However, I have so many maxi dresses and the majority of them are blue, so I just couldn't justify purchasing another one. Reluctant Pass.  

Tulipan Tank Dress ($49.95)  This looked like it would be a comfy little dress, and I really liked the crisscross strap detail in the back. Oh, and of course, it's blue. Blue is quickly becoming the new green for me. This is a size medium, and I thought it fit pretty good. I don't know, though. I just wasn't wowed by this dress. I know that it's meant to be gussied up with accessories and such, but I just didn't feel like I needed it in my closet. Shit, I don't really NEED anything in my closet, but you know what I mean. Pass.

Thursday, July 3, 2014

Jaded


Ring: The Limited
 
"Heavy are the branches hanging from my fucked up family tree." - Menomena

I've been sitting on these pictures for weeks now. For some reason, I've been avoiding this place like the plague. I'll think to myself, "I should write a new blog post," and then my mind immediately answers in it's best Scarlett O'Hara impression, "I'm not going to think about that today. I'll think about that tomorrow." I suspect my avoidance of writing has something to do with the fact that my mind is a tangled mess. Things have not been going well on the ole' sanity front lately. Let's just say if you have a loving, supportive family then consider yourself lucky. It sucks when you don't.

So, for the sake of getting these pictures out here, I'm just going to stick with talking about the clothes (the fashion bloggers version of talking about the state of the roads and the weather). I picked this dress up on a recent trip to the new Anthropologie store in Raleigh. Yes, my favorite store is now 30 minutes closer to where I live. Ninety minutes, and I'm there! Bam! Before too long they'll be everywhere, except, of course, my town. Nothing comes here. We don't even have a Target, but...we can get nowhere really fast. One of the perks of a small town - no traffic. Glass half full, yada, yada, yada...

Anyway, this new store was real nice. The dressing room floors and mirrors were even clean - not a dust bunny in site. You'll have to take my word for it though. I didn't have time to get any pictures because the damn store closed 30 minutes after I got there. Surprise! This store closes earlier than most. I had just enough time to get this dress and get out. I love the fit of this dress and for once I'm not stepping on a maxi dress from Anthro, but I'm still a little unsure about the print. I'm afraid it might read a little "granny." Hmm, a former classmate of mine did just have her first grandchild, so technically, I could be someone's grandma...

Speaking of being old, the day I wore this outfit, I was reminded of something from my childhood that I had forgotten. Don't you love it when that happens? A lady at work asked me if my earrings were made out of Jade. I told her I wasn't sure, and that the only thing I knew about Jade was that I had a action figure named Jade when I was a little girl. She was my favorite because she had red hair and a green outfit. I decided to do a Google search, and I found her, along with all the other toys I had in that collection! "I'm going to be Golden Girl!" Ah, the memories... I also did a quick search on www.freshtrends.com for Jade jewelry, and it does indeed look like my earrings are made out of Jade. I do love me some Internet...most of the time.  

Heavy Is As Heavy Does by Menomena on Grooveshark

Wednesday, July 2, 2014

Bonnie's Closet: A Blog Sale of "Maxi"mum Proportions!

If you're in the market for Maxi dresses then I've got a sale for you! Check it out:

Bonnie's Closet: Blog Sale!: Anthropologie Pakpao Maxi Dress Size 6 - $55 shipped   Anthropologie Sky Trails Maxi Dress Size XS- $50 shipped Anthro...

Tuesday, June 3, 2014

Geo Fabulous






Ring: Ruche
 
"Obstacles they come and go, that’s the name of this game you know." - Matisyahu 

One month later...

So...how's it going? Yeah, I know. I've got a lot of nerve showing my sorry face back here after a whole month of nothing. I've got no excuse other than life, man - life and it's crazy obstacles. May was a blur of dance recitals, birthday parties, and work catastrophes. Things have settled down a bit for now, so here I am during my first free moment in weeks.

I almost didn't buy this dress. As you may or may not know, May is my birthday month. (Whew! That was a lot of "may's" in one sentence.) So, I had a couple of Anthropologie birthday discount cards burning a hole in my pocket. A couple because Jerry's birthday month just happens to be in May too, and of course, he signed up for the Anthro club just for mwah. Man knows where his bread is buttered...

Anyway, I was all excited about my 15% off and then Anthro decided to offer free shipping, and I got even more excited. However, my excitement turned to frustration, when I discovered I could only take advantage of one promo code on my order. I went with the 15% off because it offered more monetary value, but to really up the value of my discount and lessen the sting of no free shipping, I threw this dress in my cart at the last minute. You know, cause nothing says, "Fuck you Anthro!" like buying even more merchandise from them. Usually I stalk dresses for weeks or months before purchasing them, but this one wasn't on my radar at all. Something made me take notice of it at the last minute, maybe it was the bold geometric print, and I thought, "What the hell," and went for it.

Like any seasoned shopper, I read the reviews after I placed my order, and I was pretty sure I had ordered the wrong size. Most of the reviewers said to "size down," but I had purchased my usual size 8. I was skeptical as I retrieved the dress from my mailbox and took it out of the packaging, but once I got it on, I discovered that this baby fit like a glove. "Size down," my ass...or maybe my ass is just bigger than I thought.

12. Obstacles - www.CdsParaBaixar.Org by Matisyahu | www.CdsParaBaixar.Org on Grooveshark