Top: Anthropologie Ikebana Mosaic Tee
Jeans: Pilcro
Shoes: Steve Madden
Jewelry: The Limited
-Noah and the Whale
Fall is my favorite time of the year. I love that little nip in the air. It energizes my spirit and gives me hope for the future. I so desperately need hope in my life right now because sometimes life can seem so very, very dark.
I haven't blogged much this week. It's been a rough one. Wednesday was one of the worst days I've had in awhile. I was still dealing with all the negativity I had been through due to my latest blog posts. I had a stressful day at work, and I was looking forward to crashing when I got home. My mom doesn't work on Wednesdays, so she had picked my kids up from school that day. When I came by to get my kids, I could tell my mom was in a bad mood. She's been all business for months now, but, suddenly, she wanted to talk about her feelings. She was mad at my sister. She said we both disgusted her. She said she wished she had never had children. I didn't feel like sticking around for the verbal abuse, so I told my son it was time to go. He had been sick with a stomach virus and didn't feel good that afternoon. He started crying because he wanted to continue watching his TV show. I had to pick him up and carry him out to the car. As I walked out my mom said, "He doesn't want to go with you." My daughter had been asleep, so I had to carry her out to the car as well. One sick child and one tired child do not a pleasant car trip make. They both cried the whole way home. Once we got settled in the apartment everyone was happy again.
Earlier that day, I had discovered a sore lump under the skin on the back of my leg. Once the kids calmed down, my hypochondria kicked into full effect. Of course the first thing my mind jumped to was cancer. I felt really sad as I thought to myself that there would probably be a lot of people who would be glad to be rid of me, including my mother. At that point I decided to check my email. My blog comments go to my email, and there was a comment waiting to be moderated. The words in that comment cut me to my core. Here is what it said: "How anyone could be smug and proud over breaking up a marriage and leaving her own kids (even if it is only one week at a time) is absolutely disgusting. You are completely shameless and your actions gravely shameful. You actually sicken me. I feel awful for your children, and I don't know how you can even sleep at night or look at your disgusting self in the mirror."
I felt so lost. How much negativity can one person take? Apparently, even more. Jerry and I had our first argument that night. It actually turned out to be a good thing, though. Events over the past week had caused me to build up an emotional wall between us. The argument broke down that wall. With his love and support, I was able to move past the negativity and find myself again.
Even though it's the first days of Fall, I feel like it's the first days of Spring in my life. Spring is the season when all things begin anew. Over these past few months, I've torn down my entire life. My parents have abandoned me, people have shunned me, and I have been kicked out of my home. My ex-husband now lives in the house I grew up in. The house my grandfather built with the oak trees in the yard that my parents planted. I have lost a lot to find love, but it was all worth it. I feel like my life is just beginning. I have the love of my 3 beautiful children and a wonderful man. These will be the building blocks for my new life. I will do my best to let all the negativity wash over me. I have hope once again.
Noah And The Whale - The First Days of Spring mp3
Posts
I am sorry you had a bad week and that you had a fight with Jerry, but your outfit is very cute. You must really love those sandals! They make it on the blog often. It sucks that your mom doesn't get where you're coming from right now, but she'll come around. When my husband and I lived together breifly before we were married, my mom was not a happy camper, but she has softened, just like your mom will get over the fact that you and Jerry were boning on bojangles time when y'all were married to other people. Chin up, girlfriend. Keep writing, free-spiriting, and looking super hot in all your outfits!
ReplyDeleteYou have been through a lot. Maybe you made mistakes, but you were not malicious. So many other people in your life have been vicious towards you (this includes your blog life: the horrible, cowardly readers who leave you online comments meant to tear you down). You need to say "enough." You don't deserve it, and it doesn't build you into a stronger person to suffer through the negative responses of these people. I think maybe your blog posts are a means for you to explain and get acceptance somehow, but it won't happen. The real problem, I think, is your parents and the terrible damage they have done to you. They are controllers and they use their hurtful words and behavior to punish you for not obeying them. You don't deserve to be punished, and you should stop punishing yourself too.
ReplyDeleteI think you need to end your relationship with your parents and find a way to stop looking for / needing their approval. I know this is the hardest thing, but you will never find peace until their opinion means nothing to you. Their behavior is more appalling than anything you have done. Vow to never be like them. Forgive yourself and leave them in the past. I don't think they should have contact with your kids, because if they have done this to you, they can do it to your beloved children too.
I am glad that you are feeling better. Parents can say hurtful things sometimes and not even realize what they've said (I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt...trying to be nice). I am the middle child of 6 and my mother told me that I was lucky to be alive. She had wanted to abort me but her mother talked her out of it. She then went on to say that she was glad she hadn't...but still. To know that you're not wanted is one thing and then to find out that your mother was going to actively abort you...makes you think. Hope your son is feeling better. Children never want to leave anywhere when they're "watching their shows or playing a game". Your mother should know this and not try and throw it at you. She just wanted you to stay so she could vent. It will get better. Now that you have found your "voice", time will take care of the rest. How was the place on the back of your leg?
ReplyDeleteI've been following you blog for some time now (maybe a year?) and I'm very sad that people are continuing to insult you over your personal life. I think you're very, very brave for sharing all that you have, and I don't think anyone has the right to say you don't love your children. As a child of divorce, I can say that's absolutely not true. My parents both loved me very much and I know my mom's decision to file for divorce was about her relationship with my dad and had nothing to do with me. I'm so glad you've found happiness, and I think you're an incredibly strong and resilient woman. I don't think I have half the courage you do! Anyway, take care and thank you for running this blog; I'd be so sad if you decided to close it!
ReplyDeleteYour sadness really comes through in these posts. I hope these things turn out for the best, for your children's sake and your own.
ReplyDeleteI know I don't know you personally, but have you thought about maybe making your blog invite-only? That way you could get your thoughts and feelings out without exposing yourself to all of the hurtful comments. Just a thought.
Good luck.
No one cares that you found love, fine and dandy, everyone is entitled to their own happiness. It is, however, crass to post everything so openly on the Internet. I am sure that you never once stopped to consider the pain you are inflicting on those around you. How does Adam feel when he reads your blog? I'm sure that's of no concern to you, your only concern if the fleeting attention you're gathering from disgusted readers like myself. You truly should be ashamed, but you never will. Your ineptness runs too deep.
ReplyDeleteI think we all need to remember that we may have a right to disagree with Bonnie's choices, but that doesn't mean we have a right to bully (yes, I'm saying the B word) her. Let's be respectful.
ReplyDeletei can't say that i was at all sympathetic when you first started revealing the saga of your affair, but i am changing my mind now. people really have been cruel. i am sorry that you have so little support from your parents. life is all about tough choices, and i hope you get through this time okay, with minimal if any damage to your relationship with your children. wishing you the best, bonnie.
ReplyDeleteHere is a quote for you: It's great to learn from your own mistakes, but if you're really smart, you can learn from the mistakes of others.
ReplyDeleteListen, I don't judge you for your personal life, or for the decisions you make. I think you actually seem like a nice and fun person. I respect your commitment to blogging.
But, using your real name while you blog about your love life and family life never ends well. Aside from the fact that your blog can be introduced as evidence in a custody case or a divorce settlement, your behavior can alienate your loved ones, and it can teach your kids bad lessons on conflict resolution and decision making.
Sorry to hear you are having a rough week Bonnie. Hopefully your mother comes around, but perhaps its best to distance yourself from her for the time being. As you stated, a person can only handle so much negativity in their lives and you have kids depending on you. You seem like a caring person and loving mother, just focus on that and let the rest fall to the wayside. Hope your little one is feeling better.
ReplyDeleteseriously! I really want those sandals too. they look just like a pair I bought 4 years ago that broke recently, and I really miss them. Bonnie, are they available? if not, can you post the style name so I can troll ebay? thank you.
ReplyDeleteWhen I read this, I felt a combination of two emotions. One was the anger you've been experiencing. Anger that you chose to put this out the for all the world to see. I'm having a hard time mustering any sort of sympathy for you in that regard-- you absolutely brought the negativity upon yourself. But it appears that you've gotten enough abuse from readers, so I'll just let that one go without getting into the nitty-gritty.
ReplyDeleteI also felt extremely sympathetic towards you because of how your parents are reacting to this. I think that they had every right to be initially upset -the were, after all, thinking of the repercussions that this would have on your children- but after reading this latest entry, it is clear that they are taking this way, way too far. No parent should EVER tell their child that they regret having them, and I'm very sorry that you had to hear that from your mother. That is absolutely deplorable and nothing that you've done warrants her saying that. I truly hope they come around. You do not deserve to hear these things from your own mother.
I agree with this, Bonnie. it worries me that you take so much criticism and then have to spend so much time talking yourself out of it, but then open yourself up to it time and again. I don't think it's healthy to put yourself out there for it if you take it so hard.
ReplyDeleteit seems like it can only have 2 results: 1) eventually youbreak down, depressed and hurt in your self image, or, 2) - and, in my opinion, WORSE - in order to cope, you get so much in the habit of telling yourself that you "don't care about other people's opinions" that you really get in the habit of never caring about what others think, and turn into an entirely self-subsistent person in a bad way.
as much as I agree you shouldn't always form your life by the opinions of others (especially strangers on the internet), as humans, we learn through advice we get from others who see us in the way we can never see ourselves. you seem like you are abnormally sensitive to others' opinions of you and must either believe them entirely or throw them off violently. why put yourself in a place of temptation to either extreme? I think it is really dangerous to put yourself in a situation where you knowingly are needing to build up the habit of ignoring others and telling yourself over and over again, "I am right, I am right, I am right." I really worry that it will accidentally callous you and hurt you either way.
I worry that this idea of being a "free spirit" as "baring all" is really hurting your ability to be free. if you are so scarred by what people say that you force yourself to not be in a place where you can rightly judge whether someone's opinion on any subject is better than yours, but you robotically dismiss the concern, force yourself to feel better, and "move on", that's not being "free". that's being a slave to your own habit and becoming more and more ensnared in your own snowball effect and knowingly making yourself more narrow-minded. please be careful this doesn't happen to you.
just my 2 cents.
Thanks for this Jen. You're right I seek their approval too much. I always have. If fact, my biggest issue my entire life has been that I seek approval from everyone. Maybe that is why I posted those emails. I wanted people to see that my actions were not malicious, that I'm just human and doing my best in life. I enjoy doing my blog, but it has been a source of negativity for me lately. The way I see it I have 2 options. I can close up shop and not have to deal with the negativity, or I can push thourgh and be broken down or maybe emerge a stronger person.
ReplyDeleteThanks Cindy! I went to the doctor the next day. I had an ultrasound, and they said it is just a cyst. There is nothing I can do about it. I just have to live with it, but I am going to live. :-)
ReplyDeleteTime heals every wound, and while it still may leave a scar- think about what a scar is. A tough part in your skin, someplace that won't get cut again as easily. If you have a faith that you believe in, perhaps turning to it will give you some peace. If you don't, perhaps meditation will help you feel better. I have anxiety issues, and I know personally that it's hard to deal with.
ReplyDelete