43

Dress: Spell and the Gypsy Portobello Road Strappy Dress

Shoes: American Eagle Wooden Clogs

Necklace: Third Eye Pinecones

"Spent a lifetime in the mirror picking apart what I couldn't change, but I saw my mother, my father...in my face." - Future Islands

I've been trying at the very least to post birthday pics each year just to let you know I'm still alive, but I didn't even do that this past year. So, I present to you the pics from my 43rd birthday on May 25, 2020. These were taken with my Iphone, and the last one is a selfie. It's amazing the quality of the phone cameras these days! Yes, I realize that sounds just like something an old person would say. 

I caught you up a little bit on my life in my first post, but I think I will delve a little deeper in this one. Since this is a post about my birthday, I thought it would be relevant to update you on my relationship with my parents. I will preface all of this by saying that I share intimate details about my life in hopes that someone out there can relate and not feel quite as alone in this world. My parents are not terrible people, and I am not perfect.

As long-time readers will know, I have a long history of mommy and daddy issues. Most notably, they were both completely unsupportive and stopped talking to me because of my decision to end my marriage back in 2011, even though they were divorced themselves. They each eventually came around and started talking to me again, but we haven't been close since my divorce. In all honesty, I have intentionally kept them at arms length because I determined that it was in my best interest to do so.

My mother and I don't speak much, but when we do, we get along for the most part. I have done a lot of research and have worked on myself over the last several years. As a result, I have come to a better understanding of our issues and relationship dynamic. It's like I can see The Matrix now. I know that she is trying to manipulate me before she even does it, and I recognize patterns in her behavior that I was blind to most of my life. Whenever I see things going down a familiar path, I withdraw for awhile. This may sound counterintuitive to how people are supposed to resolve conflict in healthy relationships. I agree that communication is the key to solving most relationship issues, but many, many years of emotional pain as well as my research has taught me that communication will not work in this situation. I wish we could be close, but after 43 years, I have finally come to the realization that the best I can hope for is to just get along with her in small doses. I have made peace with that.

My father isn't talking to me again. This time it's because of politics, or at least that is what I've been told. There was no fight or any other kind of confrontation. He simply stopped responding to my texts or answering my calls. I've been told by another family member that it's because I'm a "libtard." Apparently, I've also been written out of his will....for like the 50th time. Yawn. What's funny is that he and I never discussed politics. Ever. I guess people on Facebook told him what I was posting and that was enough for him. No doubt the contents of this blog post will get back to him and my mother. Some people have nothing better to do than stir pots. Anyway, the only clue I had that he didn't approve of my politics was about a year ago in the form of a video. He sent this video through another family member. It was a video about the second civil war that I guess he thinks is going to occur soon. I didn't respond to it. First of all, it was ridiculous. In addition, it was clearly a threat of "you better get on my side, or I'll see you on the other side of the battlefield." I don't take kindly to threats. Oh, and I will add that I took the readers of this blog's advice and wrote him a heart felt letter many years ago about how I wanted to be closer to him. I left it in his mailbox. He has never acknowledged it to this day.  

I have no ill will towards either of my parents. I am willing to be nice and try to have a relationship with them as long as they respect my individuality. I no longer seek their approval that I wanted for so very long. I am secure in myself and my decisions. This declaration did not come easy. It is the result of a lifetime of pain and individual growth. I was never supported enough in my life to get to this point until Jerry came along. He gave me the unconditional love and freedom I needed to find myself and become a strong, independent woman. I ran across this quote recently, and it really resonated with me:

"You are the flower, your family the roots, and sometimes you're forced to grow from tainted seeds. And no matter how damaged your upbringing may have been, you survive, and you flourish despite it all." - r.h. Sin

P.S. I highly recommend listening to and looking up the lyrics from the Future Islands' song I quoted above. The song is called Plastic Beach. It so accurately describes what finding my soulmate did for me. All you need is one person to support, love and believe in you.