"When your heirloom's wilted brown, when the devil's pushing down, when your mourning has a sound, and you hesitate to laugh, how quickly will your joy pass?" - Sufjan Stevens
I sure am glad to see Friday. This has been one hellacious week. I literally didn't sit down to eat something until 9pm last night. I think I'm probably happier than my kids that I don't have to do homework tonight. Oh, and in response to the commenter who doesn't understand why I help my kids with their homework, I just really feel they need the help. My 10 year old only needs help on studying for tests and such which usually consists of calling out words to him. My 8 year old has ADHD and ODD, so he needs special attention, and by special attention I mean I have to get the fly swatter out just to make him sit down at the table. Lastly, my 5 year old has just started school, so I want to help her until she gets the hang of things.
I always know the week with my kids is going to be hectic, but I feel like I'm never fully prepared for it. Jerry and I went to the county fair last weekend. It's was the first time I've been to the fair without kids in tow since I was a teenager. We had a blast! I felt so carefree. I remember telling Jerry while we were there that we needed to soak it up while it lasted, because the kiddos were coming the next day, and we would have to be responsible adults again. I didn't know at the time how truly rough this week would be. We've gone from two teenagers in love to two old, tired strangers in a span of a week. The demands of 3 kids can really take it's toll on a relationship. I think it's a testament to how much we love each other that we have made it this far. I mean, think about it. We moved in together, had 3 kids, and bought/remodeled a house all in the span of a year. Just one of those things can often break a relationship.
It's also helped that I have received a lot of support from Jerry's family. When my own family abandoned me, they were there, making a complete stranger feel welcomed. They really have been great. In some ways, I feel closer to them than my own family. I can certainly talk to them about things that I couldn't with my own family. They are so open and warm. They give each other big hugs, and even include me. I got hugs the first time I met them. My family doesn't do hugs.
I was especially touched when a couple of months ago one of Jerry's sisters gave me the ring you see in the above photos. It is so special to me because it was their mom's ring. Jerry's mom died a few years ago, so I never got to meet her. He often says we were a lot alike, and he thinks she would have really liked me. I'm honored that I get to wear the ring of a woman who taught her children to be so kind and accepting of others. I only hope I can instill the same values in my own children.
UK women – and more importantly – their
wardrobes, can't hide from the wet weather much longer, so now's the time to
get your style weatherproofed.
The British summer is often linked with a
few days of hot sunny weather amid rain and wind, before it arrives, inevitably
late. This year it's taking its time to arrive due to currents of warm air
lying further south than normal. If you've already packed up your sun cream,
summer dresses and sandals until next year, then you've got the ideal space to
replace these items with trend-setting wet weather gear.
Shake
off the rain
British ladies are used to a bit of rain
and showers throughout the day – but your wardrobe may not stretch to continual
showers week after week. If you're tired of wearing the same coat then invest
in one of this season's fashionable raincoats. Trench-style cuts may not be 100
per cent waterproof, but light materials will dry quickly and the classic look
of trench coats has staying power, meaning you can wear it as the seasons
change. Bold colours are on-trend and for added effect, buy one with bright
prints on its inner lining. Button designs are more traditional, but for a
twist try out zip or toggle types.
Keep
dry and accessorise
Wrestling with umbrellas in windy weather
will leave you and your accessories open to the elements. Get a good quality
umbrella to avoid the worst happening and for extra oomph co-ordinate with a
weatherproof handbag. Perspex pouches are bright, while leather satchels have a
timeless appeal. Even in if you own a waterproof handbag, your phone could
still get wet. A rainproof cover will help to keep out moisture and special
water-repellent sprays can also guard against water damage.
Shop
smart
Racing around shops and trying to hide from
the rain can really put a dampener on shopping trips – especially if you
haven't got your wet weather style sorted yet. Make sure you wear layers while
you're out, as muggy weather can hit, as can the cold. Shopping online is
another option and you can co-ordinate outfits from different brands as you sit
in the comfort of your home. Collect Plus delivery schemes also mean you don't have to wait
in for your gear to arrive, but you can collect the goods from an agreed outlet
at a time that suits you.
"Sunday pulls its children from their piles of fallen leaves...Springtime calls her children until she lets them go at last." - Iron and Wine
I stated in my last post that I was way behind on outfit posts. Well, I'm officially crazy behind on them now. There is just not enough hours in the day, especially during kid week. I've wanted to do a post since Sunday, but it just wasn't happening. You see, I pick up my kids every other Sunday and from the time their little feet hit the floor of my house, my life is a whirlwind of dropping off, picking up, doing homework, feeding, cleaning, etc., etc. That is until another Sunday rolls around, and then they are off to their dad's and the chaos is replaced by silence.
A couple of my single co-workers have said they envy my setup of one week with the kids, one week without. They say it's the best of both worlds, and the only way they could fathom dealing with the pressures of motherhood themselves. I say the grass is always greener on the other side. My life is in a constant state of change. It's so hard to get into a routine, and as you fellow moms know, routine is key when it comes to children. It's either feast or famine around my house. There is no happy medium. It would be so much easier to have the "usual setup" of the mom getting the kids most of the time and the dad getting them every other weekend, but I didn't feel that was the best thing for my children or my ex-husband. I wanted the kids to have equal time with both of us, so this was the best option we came up with. Don't get me wrong, it's working out very well and the kids seem to have adjusted wonderfully to it. It's just difficult for old mom (and I'm sure dad) sometimes.
I've got one child who has football practice 3 nights a week and another one who has dance 2 nights a week. My little girl started Kindergarten, so now I've got 3 kids with homework. Thankfully, Jerry does homework with my oldest, so that's one less thing off my plate. However, my middle child is in third grade this year and the homework has gotten significantly harder, and we are struggling to get through it each night. Tuesday night is the only night all the kids come directly home, so we use that night to catch our breath. As luck would have it, PTA was last night and it lasted 2 hours. By the time I got home, it was 9pm, and I hadn't even started on their homework yet. I suddenly found myself completely overwhelmed.
Given all this, you would think I would welcome my week off from the kids, but it doesn't really work out that way. If I'm being honest, I do think to myself during particularly chaotic moments, "It's going to be so nice to have some alone time next week." However, as soon as my kids are out the door, and I'm left with a empty, quiet house, I'm incredibly sad. I miss my babies terribly when they are not with me. I usually get out of the house as soon as they leave, because the immediate silence drives me crazy. It's all the more difficult, because I don't have anyone to talk to who can relate. I know plenty of divorced people, but not a single one of them has joint custody.
I don't know why I'm telling you all this. I guess it's just what's on my mind today. I also thought it might help some of you who are struggling with the chaotic life that comes with motherhood to know that it's a privilege to do what you do on a everyday basis. I know it doesn't seem like it when you are struggling through those math problems or barely making it to all the different places you have to be each day, but it's not something that should be taken for granted. Enjoy this time while it lasts, because you will miss it when it's gone.
"Cause I could not love myself. Never good enough, no, that was all I'd tell myself." - Gotye
I'm so behind on outfit photos. In fact, I'm exactly a week behind. I wore this one last Friday. I've dubbed this my baseball ballerina outfit. It's a weird combination of a baseball tee with some tulle lace peeking out underneath, but I think it works. My poor jeggings are hanging on for dear life. I haven't weighed myself lately, but given the way my jeans are fitting these days, I think I've really packed on the pounds. I guess I'm getting my fat on in anticipation of Winter. That's the problem with wearing dresses most of the time, you don't realize you've gained weight until you put on a pair of pants, or you see yourself in a swimsuit...
I had a little meltdown last night over my body. A few hours after I posted my swimsuit post, I panicked. Up to that point, I had not received very many comments on my post and then a friend of mine commented on Facebook "Looks like you been eatin' yo cornbread." This friend and I go way back, and I knew she didn't mean it in a negative way. In fact, she said I was too skinny before and looked better with some meat on my bones, but I still let negativity creep into my mind. I thought about all the friends I have seen in my Facebook feed in swimsuits and every single one of them is super skinny and tan. I went back and looked at my photos, and the decent looking girl I had seen in them before was replaced with a big, fat blob. I cried and cursed myself for being so stupid as to put pictures of my fat ass in a swimsuit on the Internet. Jerry tried to reassure me that I was beautiful and that the photos looked great, but I was not having it. I pointed at one of the pictures and said, "Look at how wide my hips look there." He tried to explain to me about how the camera can make you look wide if you stand a certain way. Wrong answer. He was suppose to say I didn't look wide, not that I did look wide and it was the camera's fault. Stupid men!
Negativity had clearly taken over, but instead of wallowing around in it like I have done so many times before, I decided to take control of it. I reminded myself that I cannot gain self-worth from the opinions of others. It is something that has to come from within myself. I have to love myself, but it's hard sometimes, especially when I focus on all the negatives. Yes, I could probably stand to lose a few pounds, my stomach is flabby, and my ass could be more toned, but I've got a lot of positives too. I've got some pretty smokin' legs, and I really like the color of my eyes. Just like this outfit, I'm a combination of things that when put together just work.
"Eyes wide open. Naked as we came." - Iron and Wine
It's almost Fall, and I'm pretty sure I'm suppose to be posting pictures of myself in sweaters, tights, boots, and the like, even though there is barely a chill in the air. Yet, here I am in a swimsuit. You see, mid-September is my favorite time to go to the beach. The temperature is comfortable, the sun is less powerful, and, most importantly, there is less people. I know, I know. I'm from Eastern North Carolina, so I'm suppose to live to go to the beach every weekend during the Summer. However, I'm not your typical Eastern North Carolinian. Hell, I'm not your typical person.
The beach makes me very uncomfortable. Well, more accurately, the beach is great, it's the people that make me uncomfortable. It's just so weird to me how we are expected to cover up in clothes when we go out in society except when we go to this one special place where there is sand and water. Yes, I know we are technically still covered, but I see a lot of things I don't see on a everyday basis when I go to the beach. People's crotches, butt cracks, boobs, and fat rolls are hanging out or, in some cases, on full display, and then there's the scary thought of putting my own body out there. When it comes to the beach set, hard and tan bodies are the ideal, and my body is about as far from that as you can get. I've got some pretty old school shit going on with my soft curves and pasty white skin. It usually takes me about 30 minutes before I get the nerve to take my cover-up off and then another hour before I will actually get up and walk around in my swimsuit. It's just so stressful for me, and it's the reason why I don't go to the beach that often.
I know this sounds funny, but my fear of naked people is something that I'm really trying to work on. I'm not exactly sure where it came from. I mean, it's not like I'm conservative in other aspects of my life. I think it was a combination of things. My mom has never been a fan of naked people. If she sees even a hint of cleavage, she freaks out and starts pulling up my top, and God forbid, if we have to be subjected to a complete stranger's cleavage. She bitches about how disturb she was by it for hours afterwards. Her definition of the beach is "that sinful place where everybody goes and gets naked." So, yeah, there's that. Then, there's my general lack of self-confidence which makes me think that every woman's body is better than mine. This leads to me comparing myself and not measuring up and then it just goes downhill from there. It's all very exhausting, and it has trained me to just cover up and avoid naked people at all cost.
I don't think this is a healthy way to be, so I'm trying to push myself out of my comfort zone. I'm not going to lie, though, it's hard. When I'm watching TV shows like Boardwalk Empire and boobies come up on the screen, my first inclination is to look away or fast forward through the scene, but these days I'm forcing myself to just look at the boobies. I know how silly this sounds, but I'm telling you, I'm fucked up when it comes to naked people. My reaction to naked men is even worse. They usually just make me laugh hysterically.
This is my second time posting photos of myself in a swimsuit on the blog, and I think that this time was even more difficult than the last. I've sat on this post for awhile, terrified to hit publish. For one thing, I've put on some weight. Also, I have on a one piece this time which adds even more to my "mom in a swimsuit" mystique. Looking at these pictures, I find myself wanting Jerry to put them in Photoshop and thin out my waist, erase all the cellulite, and just make me better. However, that would be defeating the purpose. The purpose is to love and accept myself just the way I am. My daughter is always telling me, "You're beautiful, mommy, just the way you are." It's time I start believing it.
"I get swept away when I think of you. Take me to that place. Your words control my moves." - The XX
I was having a hard time with the wind while taking these pictures. My hair kept blowing in my face, and I was fighting as best I could to push it back. Jerry told me to just let it blow in my face. I felt stupid, standing there with my hair all in my face, but he kept telling me I looked beautiful. I wasn't expecting much when I took a look at these pictures, but I was shocked to see that the ones with my hair in my face were the best ones in the bunch.
I have a tendency to want to control everything in my life. It causes me a lot of stress. It's so nice to have someone around to remind me to just let go.
I’m a mother of 3 teenagers from a small town in North Carolina. I love fashion, music, poetry, art and hippie shit. Feel free to follow along as I struggle through my so-called midlife.
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