I'm No Saint

"And you're not a saint, just another soldier on the road to nowhere." - Damien Rice

One of the traits of a saint is exhibiting selfless and ascetic behavior. I'm no saint, nor do I wish to be, and I don't want to live like one. I don't judge people who choose to live this way. The only thing I ask is to not be judged for how I choose to live my life. My mother is of the philosophy that once you get married and have children, your happiness no longer matters. The happiness of your family is at the forefront. I do not believe this. Who am I to decide what makes another person happy? I believe we are each responsible for our own happiness. I love my children, and I do my best to provide for them and show them that I love them, but I don't think they should rely on me for their happiness. They have to figure that out themselves just like I did.

I was 23 when I got married. I was barely out of college and had no idea what I wanted out of life. I got married because that was the logical next step. I had children because I was missing something in my life, and I thought children would fill that void. My children mean the world to me, and I'm glad I chose to have them, but I was still missing something. 10 years later at the age of 33, I finally figured out what that was. Someone came into my life who woke me up and made me realize that I hadn't really been living all these years. Suddenly, it became very obvious what I needed to do. Now, if I was a saint, I would have chosen to lie to myself, fight against my feelings, and sacrifice my happiness for my family, but I'm not, so I chose to be true to myself and my family. That was the choice I made, and I'm at peace with it.

Ironically enough, today's pictures were taken at a church. This little church is without a doubt the most beautiful one in my smalltown. I love the stone work, wooden doors, and gothic arches. I know it's hard to believe, but I'm wearing dress pants. It's been awhile. Most of my pants are too big for me including these, so that's why I've been wearing dresses and skirts lately. I really wanted to wear this blouse, though, so I made it my mission to wear pants. I have had this blouse for many years. I fell in love with it when I saw it in the catalog and ordered it right away. I love all the details on it, hence all the detailed photos. I'm not doing very well at sticking to my 5 photos per post am I? Oh well...LOL!

Today's song is "Amie" by Damien Rice. This song is about the person in your life that you can truly be yourself with. "It's about being completely honest with one another, accepting every aspect of each other, and the beauty that springs from that."

My intent with this post was to express my opinion, not to offend anyone or attack their beliefs. I think we are each trying to get through this life the best way we now how. In my world, a saint is someone who lives the best life they can lead while being true to themselves and accepting of others. I think that's the most we can ask of anyone.

Damien Rice - O - 06 - Amie

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Blouse: Anthropologie Doolittle Blouse

Pants and Ring: The Limited

Shoes: Rocket Dog



  1. I don't think anyone should stay in a marriage if that marriage isn't working assuming they've tried their hardest to make it work. And I think it is a very brave thing to be able to leave your marriage. My only concern is that someone else is making you happy, instead of you finding happiness within yourself. Meeting someone else can be exciting and seem fulfilling in the beginning but what happens when routine and every day life sets in? Relationships are very hard work even when you're with your 'soulmate'. So ultimately I think we all have to find happiness within ourself and not through others. I see that when I'm not so happy I try to fill that void with shopping, when instead I should be spending time doing an activity which fulfills me. I hope that when the novelty of your new relationship wears off that you don't have regrets and that you have found a way to make yourself happy without finding it by getting affection or attention from someone else.

    I am in no way judging you. I of course don't know you but I think you did what you thought was best. I don't agree with your mom but I also know since I'm older than you that no relationship is perfect. You will have to make compromises, and have to figure out what compromises you're willing to make and which ones you're not.

  2. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings on what you are going through. It is a scary time but utilmately if you act on it, it is probably the right desicion; this is not a safe or easy path and you are brave for taking steps to claim your happiness. I left my exhusband several years ago and was desperate for my own self to come back to me.

    I can tell you it happens. Slowly. But it happens. For me it took about 16 months before I was wholly fulfilled with the life I was leading.

    My only advice is to take the time for you and your children to heal and build a life you enjoy. Try and postpone dating as long as possible. If something happens that is kismet, great, but don't force it.

    I wish you well on this journey.

  3. Hi, Bonnie, I just want you to know that the goal of sainthood is not to deny yourself. The goal of sainthood is to live life to the fullest and be who you were meant to be. Now, this will always mean making some choices while rejecting others for a higher purpose, as happens whenever you make a decision to live for a certain goal.

    However, asceticism is not the only way to do this, and those who say that religious fulfillment is about such a thing are not paying attention to history. I think you might enjoy reading some of the more grounding, loving, and happy writings of the saints who talk about the best way to find this acceptance and peace. In case you are interested, I recommend Julian of Norwich. She was one of the few medieval women whose writings we have today, and I think you will enjoy the message of peace and love she brings in your harder times. Her most famous quote is, "All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of thing shall be well."

    In case you are interested, here is a link to her work: http://www.amazon.com/Meditations-Julian-Norwich-Brendan-Doyle/dp/0939680114/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1304543693&sr=1-1. You can also look up a lot of her more famous quotes on the internet. Since you are a reflective person, I think you might enjoy it.

    I wish you the best in all that you do and will always be a faithful reader of your blog. I think of you often in this tough time and I hope that you are able to find a lasting peace.

  4. Bonnie, I really like the pop of red in your shoes!! :-) It brings out the lovely design on your blouse!

  5. I really appreciate you sharing this journey with us. I very much hope to "see" you happy in the future on this blog.

  6. Hi Bonnie, I have been a reader for a long time and I am sorry for all the stress you and your children have going on in your lives right now. I just wanted to share something that happened to a friend of mine. She just got through going through a bitter custody/divorce dispute and her ex dug up everything he could on her, including myspace, facebook, and blog pictures. She never really said anything too and and her pictures were never racy but to say that the judge did not understand what the purpose was of all the self-portrait pictures is an understatement. He bluntly told her that she needed to be focusing more time on her children than on her vain, shallow hobbies and tha if she had not been so concerned with putting herself on the internet then maybe her marriage would still be intact. I am in no way saying that this is anything like your situation at all, I do not know your life but unless you know for sure that things with your ex are going to run smoothly, maybe you should really filter what you write and show to the world. All the best!

  7. Hi Bonnie,

    I'm a new reader. My friend told me to check out your blog because I'm sort of going through a similar situation right now...I'm engaged to a man that I love but recently met someone else who sets my soul on fire. I'm still tossing and turning, haven't made a decision yet.

    Thanks for your blog. It's nice to know I'm not alone out here.


  8. Thank you for sharing your journey on your blog. I wish you all the happiness. When you mentioned that someone else came into your life, it made me wonder if its another woman. This is something that I struggle with myself. If Im way off base, please ignore me, and Im sorry for even suggesting that.

  9. Happiness is priceless. If you have found it, you are one of the lucky ones. If you are happy, then the people around you (who love you) will be happy, too. I know you will take good care of your children. Be strong.

  10. Hi Bonnie, while I supported you when I first heard the news, I am now not too sure when you mentioned that it is due to someone coming into your life and show you how to live.

    Like what Anon #1 pointed out, what happens when the euphoria dies down, and things get routine? It is always very exciting to get someone's love and attention, but the sparks and fire are greatest only at the beginning. When things settle into routine, will you be bored and restless again?

    I am not judging you, or saying if you are rush, since I do not know anything with your marriage life. Just need to point out that could it ultimately be plain boredom? Like you said, you got married barely fresh out of college cos that's the next logic thing. That need not be the next logic thing! Could you have thought in the first place that marriage life is going to be exciting, and got disappointed when the daily grind gets in? Especially with children? Much as we love out kids, we must admit they are also the ones that stresses us out most.

    It is also hard to find fulfillment. Fulfillment may not be things that are big, or obvious. And there is no single event that can lead to it. Eg those mt everest climbers, they get the fulfillment once they conquered it. But then once the dusts settle, they wanna try again, to find that satisfaction again. So be sure the new relation can keep you going.

    Do take care during this period. I am sure you can see the light.

  11. I met my husband a month after graduating college. We were married when I was 25. I didn't cheat and have an affair. If you take your marriage vows seriously, you don't do things like that. Good luck to you. I hope you really have found happiness and this is not just another distraction from a larger problem of depression and perhaps narcissism.

  12. Anon @ 9:34: I've been keeping radio silence here lately, but I just wanted to respond to your comment because, frankly, it pissed me off. First of all, not all of us are as perfect as you are, so I do not wish to be judged by your standards. I'm human. Sorry if that disturbs you. Secondly, you are full of shit wishing me good luck and happiness. Why would I need distraction from narcissism? The fact that you through that in there screams of hatred and jealousy. As perfect as you think you are, you clearly have some issues of your own.

  13. a horse is a horse of course of course.

  14. Well, at least this horse if brave enough to put her name on what she writes. I'd rather be a horse than a chicken.

  15. Jealous? Over a woman who is living in an apartment? A woman who broke her marriage vows, cheated on her husband and hasn't given much thought as to what her selfish, short-sighted, immature actions will do her three children? Hardly. You clearly have some growing up to do. Disgusted is more like it.

  16. Oh, you are so much better than me because you live in a house and are still married? I've been where you are at, and even though you won't believe it now, your world can come crashing down too, so maybe you shouldn't be so quick to judge. Just step back and read what you have written to me. I disgust you? You are making the decision to come on my blog and read it. How about showing some kindness instead of cattiness.

  17. Hi Bonnie,

    Just to echo a previous suggestion, please consider deleting comments that are nasty and judgmental. It's your blog, and you have the right to keep hateful anonymous attacks off of it.

    Best, Sarah

  18. It all goes back to the age-old question: Butterflies or Stability? I still don't know the answer!!!


  19. dear Bonnie,

    I've been a reader for awhile now, and while I rarely commented, I did notice your unhappiness and even discerned your husband's possible insensitivity and lack of support. I think people are/were mostly glad that you are much happier. yet I do hope you understand the concerns arise not so much from the fact that you're getting a divorce, but the possible involvement of another man in this. if it were a matter of merely a marriage falling apart and no other way of working this through, I doubt you'd be getting as much flak. however, with someone else involved it almost seems as though that is a factor in not trying harder to work things through. if I'm making sense.

    I suppose what I'm saying is 2-fold: 1) we're not entirely sure why this is happening so it makes it easier for people to have diverging opinions, and 2) if there is someone else involved, I do hope you will put your children first. men come and go, but a marriage is an unfortunately difficult bond to break and children are infinitely precious to a woman. your children will understand, no doubt, but what it is they need to understand will affect your relationship with them in some way. it's much easier to be understanding of a mother who'd lost her way and self in a marriage ... as compared to a mother who met someone else and decided that the marriage with all its flaws was finally not worth working through.

    I really sincerely wish you all the best, and your children too. I hope you parents come to support you! even though they may not think you're right, you are still their child :)

  20. Is the anon @ 1.03PM right? Is there another man involved?

  21. What is worse is that you are parading your deceit and cheating all over the Internet. Your poor husband and children must be so humiliated. I started reading your blog because I thought you were a classy, well dressed mom who managed to incorporate style into her daily life. Your blog seems to have morphed into something entirely different though, as have you. You seem to be going through a very self-indulgent period.

  22. Hi Bonnie,

    I am really sorry that on top of the really difficult time you are going through you also get to read such nasty judgmental things on your own blog. Marriages are complicated beasts, and nobody other then the people involved can know what it's truly like to be in that particular marriage. I hope you have some people you trust and who love you, i.e. good friends, who can support you in following your heart and also thinking with your head.
    all the best to you on your journey,

  23. i'd much rather be a horse OR a chicken than a stone cold bitch.

  24. Hey Bonnie,

    How brave you are to bare your life in this harsh forum. Maybe shining this light in a place that few are willing to you'll help someone else with their angst. It seems if you were the person some paint here things would be easier. Hopefully some appreciate the honesty it takes to not delete the negative comments, and everyone recognizes that their comments are a reflection unto themselves. This is refreshing. I thought this quote might help.

    "Nobody can hurt me without my permission."
    — Mahatma Gandhi

  25. Good luck to you Bonnie as you start upon this new path. And try to ignore 'da haters.' It's your life to live. And yours alone.

    p.s. Love the church & your shoes too! Pure loveliness.


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