Baseball Ballerina

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Tank: Anthropologie Gilga Tank 
Jeans: AE Jeggings
Shoes: Sam Edelman Gigi Sandals
"Cause I could not love myself. Never good enough, no, that was all I'd tell myself." - Gotye
I'm so behind on outfit photos. In fact, I'm exactly a week behind. I wore this one last Friday. I've dubbed this my baseball ballerina outfit. It's a weird combination of a baseball tee with some tulle lace peeking out underneath, but I think it works. My poor jeggings are hanging on for dear life. I haven't weighed myself lately, but given the way my jeans are fitting these days, I think I've really packed on the pounds. I guess I'm getting my fat on in anticipation of Winter. That's the problem with wearing dresses most of the time, you don't realize you've gained weight until you put on a pair of pants, or you see yourself in a swimsuit...
I had a little meltdown last night over my body. A few hours after I posted my swimsuit post, I panicked. Up to that point, I had not received very many comments on my post and then a friend of mine commented on Facebook "Looks like you been eatin' yo cornbread." This friend and I go way back, and I knew she didn't mean it in a negative way. In fact, she said I was too skinny before and looked better with some meat on my bones, but I still let negativity creep into my mind. I thought about all the friends I have seen in my Facebook feed in swimsuits and every single one of them is super skinny and tan. I went back and looked at my photos, and the decent looking girl I had seen in them before was replaced with a big, fat blob. I cried and cursed myself for being so stupid as to put pictures of my fat ass in a swimsuit on the Internet. Jerry tried to reassure me that I was beautiful and that the photos looked great, but I was not having it. I pointed at one of the pictures and said, "Look at how wide my hips look there." He tried to explain to me about how the camera can make you look wide if you stand a certain way. Wrong answer. He was suppose to say I didn't look wide, not that I did look wide and it was the camera's fault. Stupid men! 
Negativity had clearly taken over, but instead of wallowing around in it like I have done so many times before, I decided to take control of it. I reminded myself that I cannot gain self-worth from the opinions of others. It is something that has to come from within myself. I have to love myself, but it's hard sometimes, especially when I focus on all the negatives. Yes, I could probably stand to lose a few pounds, my stomach is flabby, and my ass could be more toned, but I've got a lot of positives too. I've got some pretty smokin' legs, and I really like the color of my eyes. Just like this outfit, I'm a combination of things that when put together just work.

Gotye - Save Me




  1. Hey Bonnie, you need to re focus and accept yourself! don't fall into the trap of society and the media and all that other crap about image. Our bodies change all the time and its unhealthy to put yourself under the pressure. you need to accept your body any way it is, just have a healthy mind and the rest will follow anyway. You will become a victim of society so re focus and appreciate yourself more, you look healthy and happy so whats wrong? that's all that matters. Dont get sucked in by the illusions of image! Be Wise, wisdom is what matters most.

  2. I loved your bathing suit post. You do look great in a bathing suit. I can understand feeling vulnerable about it if you perceive that people aren't leaving you as many replies. I scanned your post and was in a hurry and left your site yesterday. I wanted to tell you I give you big props for doing that. You look great in a suit. I won't judge you at all. I thought you looked so happy in the photos, less guarded.

    As for your Jerry's comment...well, I know my guy has inadvertently said a few things like that, but after I beat him about the head a few times, he has thankfully learned. lol I kid, I kid.

  3. Hi Bonnie... I feel like I'm in a similar situation. I'm unhappy with my weight, but I know that it's up to me to do something about it and in the meantime I should celebrate the things about myself that I am pleased about. That said, I think our harshest critics are ourselves.

    I think you look sooo fab in this outfit! I always look to your lovely blog and photos for inspiration. Thank you!

  4. You are a beautiful, healthy, normal woman! I LOVED the pictures you posted and more importantly, the fact that you posted them. I don't know a single woman who isn't self-conscious in a bathing suit, so aware of any little perceived flaw. We are inundated with computer enhanced pictures of models who are stick thin. It is so hard to overcome feelings of inadequacy as women when we see these so often. The fact that you put pictures of your beautiful, normal sized self in a bathing suit out here on the internet for all of the rest of us normal sized women to see felt very affirming to me. So, thank you for being brave. Try to remember that you are gorgeous, curves and all. It sure does help the rest of us women to see such pretty pictures of a healthy sized woman, on a beach, in a bathing suit and OWNING IT! :)

  5. Bonnie, I think you look stunning! I always come to your blog for styling inspiration; you always look fab. I think we might be in the same boat--I know realistically I'm not at all fat and no one who saw me on the street would ever call me fat, but I'm surrounded by stick-thin short-short wearing young things (I teach on a college campus) who make me feel like a beached whale by comparison. But realistically, I'm healthy and happy and I have a partner who loves me and never fails to tell me how great I look and I would far rather be where I am now than be seventeen again and skinny with no hips, boobs, or booty. :-)

  6. Hi Bonnie! I've been following your blog for a few months and I really enjoy your outfits and musings on life. I've never commented before but felt compelled to say that I think we can all relate with your struggle with body image. I'm 38 one great thing about getting older is you care less and less about what other people and society think of you. It does seem like society wants us to walk a very fine line between being confident (but not too confident! or you will appear vain) and humble while critiquing our every "flaw." It doesn't seem like men are held to the same standard, that's for sure. Keep up the great work and stay happy! Your photos are beautiful, just like you.

  7. You are too hard on yourself. You are beautiful!

  8. this is a perfect definition of casual chic "a la americana".


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