Tank: Anthropologie Gilga Tank
Jeans: AE Jeggings
Shoes: Sam Edelman Gigi Sandals
"Cause I could not love myself. Never good enough, no, that was all I'd tell myself." - Gotye
I'm so behind on outfit photos. In fact, I'm exactly a week behind. I wore this one last Friday. I've dubbed this my baseball ballerina outfit. It's a weird combination of a baseball tee with some tulle lace peeking out underneath, but I think it works. My poor jeggings are hanging on for dear life. I haven't weighed myself lately, but given the way my jeans are fitting these days, I think I've really packed on the pounds. I guess I'm getting my fat on in anticipation of Winter. That's the problem with wearing dresses most of the time, you don't realize you've gained weight until you put on a pair of pants, or you see yourself in a swimsuit...
I had a little meltdown last night over my body. A few hours after I posted my swimsuit post, I panicked. Up to that point, I had not received very many comments on my post and then a friend of mine commented on Facebook "Looks like you been eatin' yo cornbread." This friend and I go way back, and I knew she didn't mean it in a negative way. In fact, she said I was too skinny before and looked better with some meat on my bones, but I still let negativity creep into my mind. I thought about all the friends I have seen in my Facebook feed in swimsuits and every single one of them is super skinny and tan. I went back and looked at my photos, and the decent looking girl I had seen in them before was replaced with a big, fat blob. I cried and cursed myself for being so stupid as to put pictures of my fat ass in a swimsuit on the Internet. Jerry tried to reassure me that I was beautiful and that the photos looked great, but I was not having it. I pointed at one of the pictures and said, "Look at how wide my hips look there." He tried to explain to me about how the camera can make you look wide if you stand a certain way. Wrong answer. He was suppose to say I didn't look wide, not that I did look wide and it was the camera's fault. Stupid men!
Negativity had clearly taken over, but instead of wallowing around in it like I have done so many times before, I decided to take control of it. I reminded myself that I cannot gain self-worth from the opinions of others. It is something that has to come from within myself. I have to love myself, but it's hard sometimes, especially when I focus on all the negatives. Yes, I could probably stand to lose a few pounds, my stomach is flabby, and my ass could be more toned, but I've got a lot of positives too. I've got some pretty smokin' legs, and I really like the color of my eyes. Just like this outfit, I'm a combination of things that when put together just work.
Gotye - Save Me