Sweater: Urban Outfitters
Boots: Frye Paige Tall Riding Boots in Saddle
"You disappoint me. You people raking in on the world. The devil's script sells you the heart of a blackbird." - Elliot Smith
I've been trying to type this post up since Monday night. I had a really bad day and am struggling with a lot of things, one of which is gathering my thoughts together to formulate a post. This post has been all over the place. At one point today I thought of titling it, "People Suck." Anyway, I'm tired of agonizing over it, so here's what I ended up with.
It's been an interesting few days to say the least. I knew I would get some negative comments due to the nature of my last 3 posts, but I never anticipated this response. I'm still trying to get used to the idea of pissing people off. After living 33 years of my life trying my best to please people, it's going to take a little while longer before I'm comfortable with it. However, for someone who hasn't done it much, I do seem to have a knack for it.
I've been through critism enough times now to recognize a cycle. When the negative comments start pouring in, my first reaction is a very emotional one. I get really anxious and upset. I start buying into other people's opinions. I question myself. My uncertainty builds until I have sort of an identity crisis. After I manage to calm myself down, I'm able to think logically. I realize that these are just people's opinions. I'm able to see the negative comments for what they are and feel confident in myself and my decisions once again. No wonder I spent so much of my life not rocking the boat. It's much easier and everybody is happy... but me. In a way, I think this experience has been really good for me. It's a therapy of sorts. I've always relied too much on what other people think, so exposing myself to this much negativity is helping me get past that issue.
The simple truth is bad things happen in life. I don't see the point in going around pretending they don't exist. I choose to share my experiences - good and bad. If I've learned anything from anxiety and depression it's that we should face our fears and our pain. It is the only way to heal. I'll end this post by quoting a passage from a book my therapist recommended.
"We might all wish to don armor to protect us from the feelings of shame, self-loathing, depression, anxiety, and rage that rejection can evoke. None of us is immune to the pain of rejection, but the more we grow in maturity and self-worth, the less likely we are to take it quite as personally. When we acknowledge that rejection is not an indictment of our being, but an experience we must all face again and again if we put ourselves out there, rejection becomes easier to bear. The only sure way to avoid rejection is to sit mute in a corner and take no risks. If we choose to live courageously, we will experience rejection and survive to show up for more." - Harriet Lerner, Ph.D.
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