Sweater: Urban Outfitters
Boots: Frye Paige Tall Riding Boots in Saddle
"You disappoint me. You people raking in on the world. The devil's script sells you the heart of a blackbird." - Elliot Smith
I've been trying to type this post up since Monday night. I had a really bad day and am struggling with a lot of things, one of which is gathering my thoughts together to formulate a post. This post has been all over the place. At one point today I thought of titling it, "People Suck." Anyway, I'm tired of agonizing over it, so here's what I ended up with.
It's been an interesting few days to say the least. I knew I would get some negative comments due to the nature of my last 3 posts, but I never anticipated this response. I'm still trying to get used to the idea of pissing people off. After living 33 years of my life trying my best to please people, it's going to take a little while longer before I'm comfortable with it. However, for someone who hasn't done it much, I do seem to have a knack for it.
I've been through critism enough times now to recognize a cycle. When the negative comments start pouring in, my first reaction is a very emotional one. I get really anxious and upset. I start buying into other people's opinions. I question myself. My uncertainty builds until I have sort of an identity crisis. After I manage to calm myself down, I'm able to think logically. I realize that these are just people's opinions. I'm able to see the negative comments for what they are and feel confident in myself and my decisions once again. No wonder I spent so much of my life not rocking the boat. It's much easier and everybody is happy... but me. In a way, I think this experience has been really good for me. It's a therapy of sorts. I've always relied too much on what other people think, so exposing myself to this much negativity is helping me get past that issue.
The simple truth is bad things happen in life. I don't see the point in going around pretending they don't exist. I choose to share my experiences - good and bad. If I've learned anything from anxiety and depression it's that we should face our fears and our pain. It is the only way to heal. I'll end this post by quoting a passage from a book my therapist recommended.
"We might all wish to don armor to protect us from the feelings of shame, self-loathing, depression, anxiety, and rage that rejection can evoke. None of us is immune to the pain of rejection, but the more we grow in maturity and self-worth, the less likely we are to take it quite as personally. When we acknowledge that rejection is not an indictment of our being, but an experience we must all face again and again if we put ourselves out there, rejection becomes easier to bear. The only sure way to avoid rejection is to sit mute in a corner and take no risks. If we choose to live courageously, we will experience rejection and survive to show up for more." - Harriet Lerner, Ph.D.
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It will be interesting to see where you are in a year's time, Bonnie...if I remember I'll come back and check on ya then.
ReplyDeleteWhat a great outfit for an autumn day!
ReplyDeleteexcept, you can't just dismiss everything bad people say as just them being negative. this is the other end of the spectrum (whereby you just take everything good and affirmative they say to heart and dismiss all the criticisms). while I have well wishes for you, this strikes me as unfortunate (and also rather annoying)... being a whole human being doesn't just involve being able to piss people off for enunciating what you think is right; it also involves being able to bravely face criticism and actually accept that they may be right. I don't see you as being able to do the latter. by the way, you may be interested in this book... http://www.amazon.com/Bright-sided-Relentless-Promotion-Undermined-ebook/dp/B002SKDGQ0/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1317191851&sr=8-2
ReplyDeleteironically, it should resonate as you are tired of pretending to be happy all the time. yet you too might have succumbed to the cult of positive thinking. wanting to believe in all the good that emerges without recognizing and humbly accepting that people can indeed be disgusted and ashamed (for you) of the destruction you left in the wake of said 'happiness' is hardly the kind of realistic non-pretentious lifestyle you're striving for.
good luck with your boyfriend.
I've always worried about what people think of me except for my family. I knew from a young age that they had to except me no matter what, even if I didn't live up to their expectations. I'm sorry your family can't except you for who you are and they're so judgmental. I've learned that judgement comes from fear and when parents judge their offspring it is because they feel, your actions, are a reflection of themselves.
ReplyDeleteWhen people who I am not related to judge me I just try to realize that they're either envious of the decisions I make or resentful, either way it is because I am doing something they wish they could do. I've read several response to your post and the negative comments are entertaining because these people were so upset that they read your blog and took the time to write a shame-on-you letter. Obviously they are feeling personal about things you are communicating, otherwise they wouldn't respond so negatively.
The bottom line is, is that you are in charge of your life- no-one-else. People can judge you until they're blue-in-the-face, but they should be evaluating their lives and not yours. Everyone lives by a different moral code and they shouldn't expect everyone to be the same. Life is short and you will spend the rest of your life with your soul-mate because you took a risk. There is no shame in that. More people should live lives that make them happy, because in the long run it will make everyone around you happy too, especially your children. I hope your parents come around, I can't imagine not having my parents support, that would be really hard. You should be impressed with how brave you are.
I've never commented before, but I really like how you take most of your pictures outdoors. Very pretty!
ReplyDeleteI love this whole outfit, especially the colors. It's unusual for you, and I think it looks great. Also love your attitude. I spend too much time trying to please other people, and I love your blog because it inspires me to live for myself.
ReplyDeleteYou make some interesting points. Also, early on in the email exchange Jerry said directly that he would not leave his wife. He attempted to break things off a few times. In response, she just dialed up the intensity and would not stop. Later, when she was leaving her husband she wrote repeatedly without receiving responses from Jerry who still sounded uncertain about leaving his wife. Our blogger may feel she's "won" (after a lot of effort) but not much of a prize. The whole story seems one of a needy person driven by a desperate craving for attention.
ReplyDeleteAlong the same lines, increased blog views likely fill the same need. The "sharing" is selective here though (no mention of certain unflattering details--for example, when did these people begin having sex and committing adultery?) Perhaps she imagines there is something special about this exceeding common and immature "love story" but I'll save my respect for the people who are handling the fallout from this with quiet dignity.
I'm familiar with Harriet Lerner's work and feel it's a gross misunderstanding to think that blogging about infidelity is "living courageously."
I think you are confused about the point the majority of people commenting are trying to make. Not many have said that leaving an unhappy marriage is wrong, that attempting to find peace and love in this world is wrong. Your readers are hoping you will see that posting private emails between you and Jerry, that were exchanged while you both were married to other people is insensitive at the very least. You have responded to very few of the comments that contained this sentiment. When you did respond, it was with sarcasm, condescension or a simple "It's how I feel.". The idea is that you owe other people that you encounter in this world some consideration of feeling. And that the people in your immediate world are owed far more than that. Between you and Jerry you have 35 years of intimate life with your exes, don't you think they deserve to be protected from the specifics of your relationship? Don't you realize your children are also subjected to intimacies that are best left to discussions with girlfriends over coffee or wine? Instead you have allowed strangers to view some of your most intimate events and in turn opened up the children you are charged with loving and protecting to that same scrutiny. You have 3 children, they must be considered, plain and simple. You were married to your husband for 10 years, Jerry to his wife for 25 years, they deserve far, far more than a public betrayal. Please answer, with sincerity and honesty, why this is okay with you?
ReplyDeleteI do not think that facing anxieties and fears is the only way to heal. You are not the first person that I have heard say that, and I wonder why everyone thinks that. Perhaps you can explain why you feel that way?
ReplyDeleteHaving been through some seriously heavy stuff myself, I find that simply moving on works. The time that I DON'T spend dwelling on the negative things that have happened does more to heal me than anything. In fact, NOT talking about it and trying to push the thoughts away seems to make the pain that I feel increasingly less intense. I don't think that I am "bottling my emotions up". I am simply choosing to do whatever I can to stop thinking about the things that have caused me pain and they start to cause me less pain. In essence, NOT facing those anxieties and fears that I can do nothing to resolve seems to help me find peace.
It is clear that his son is still deeply hurting. How are you not sensitive to that? As a mother yourself, I am just shocked that you could be so cold and callous as to rub all of this into his face, as well as that of his ex-wife's. People talk. Your blog is not hard to find, particularly now that you have a FB link. They have to see it and know about it.
ReplyDeleteI think deep in your heart, Bonnie, you know that this is wrong. I think you feel a tremendous amount of guilt for destroying two families, for breaking up a marriage of 25 years, for destroying a man's relationship with his still relatively young son. I think you put this all out here on your blog as some way of seeking validation, to attempt to assuage your guilt.
On another note, there is an inordinate amount of pressure on your relationship with Jerry, which I am sure you are aware of. I don't know how it could ever really be rid of that pressure. You both are always going to feel a sense of "I owe this person because of what I did, what he/she gave up for me." It can never develop in a healthy manner because of this. Eventually, one of both of you are going to end up resenting the other and feeling "stuck" because of how it all came about. This is just an absolute train wreck.
what a great eye for prettiness! love the color combination and those boots are to die for. beautiful scenery as well. best wishes.
ReplyDeleteOlya
I don't believe you actually read the comments to your entries. Take some time, cool off, and then re-read them. No one was criticizing you for having an affair. The negative criticism stemmed from your insensitivity to the people your new relationship affected. You will be lucky if you don't get sued over this. I'm not saying that to sound menacing; I am concerned that you don't understand the gravity of what you've put out there for the world to see, what you've publicly admitted. You live in North Carolina, one of 8 states to recognize the tort of alientation of affection. You used the history of your pursuit of and affair with a married man to drive traffic to your blog. At the expense of two jilted spouses. THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU ARE DOING.
ReplyDeleteJust keep on, keeping on, Bonnie! I do wish the best for you and Jerry. And, man, I LOVE your OOTD. The colors!! The polka dots!! And the outdoor scenery!! AWE-SOME.
ReplyDeletePlease stop me before I run out and buy that dress...I want it...no, NEED it. AHHHHHH!!!
Paige, after all the comments that have been made regarding Bonnie's story, how can you still be missing the point? The vast majority of the negative comments are about the decision to post these emails, NOT about the fact that she left her husband. True, some people have written disapproving, even scathing, comments about that part of it, but most are just completely baffled as to why Bonnie and Jerry have chosen to intensify the pain of others by posting the emails. Bonnie has had a lot to say in response to her readers' negative feedback, and I would be the same way - wanting and needing to say my piece. But in all that she's said, there's been nothing about WHY. What was the thinking behind making the emails public? That would be interesting to know. I would think it has to be something deeper than just her new-found freedom to be her own person. I'm happy for Bonnie that she's no longer imprisoned by other people's expectations. I know from experience that that's a sad and horrible way to live your life. But as someone else said, I hope that in the process of finding her way in this unfamiliar territory, she doesn't go to the other extreme.
ReplyDeleteI do find it fearless that you have put your personal life out there in your search for happiness. I do wish you well and at the end of the day dobt have any regrets about your decisions. It is not my place to judge you, as so many others have, but to hope that everything is worth it in the end.
ReplyDeleteDeleting comments just because you don't like what the person has to say is not exactly being authentic.
ReplyDeleteI just wanted to wish you, Jerry and your children all the happiness you deserve and to share a quote that I am finding helpful in my current situation.
ReplyDelete"What other people think of me is none of my business."
Ru Paul
All the best.
B
I love your dress :) It's really cute :)
ReplyDeletexx
You've got some gorgeous colors going on in this post! Green is great on you :-)
ReplyDeleteYour outfit is gorgeous Bonnie -- and great photos too. I might try to replicate this whole outfit... Now if I could only train my boyfriend to take good photos... Sigh...
ReplyDeleteHow anyone could be smug and proud over breaking up a marriage and leaving her own kids (even if it is only one week at a time) is absolutely disgusting. You are completely shameless and your actions gravely shameful. You actually sicken me.
ReplyDeleteI feel awful for your children, Robin and Steve and I don't know how you can even sleep at night or look at your disgusting self in the mirror.
Part of me wonders if the reason Bonnie decided to post the emails in all their detail is possibly one last attempt to reach out to her parents, so they may attempt to begin to understand her perspective in all of this. Apparently she has tried communicating in other ways, but they seem very stubborn and closed off. Perhaps she hopes they secretly read the blog? Although portions of the emails paint them in an unfavorable light, it seems evident that Bonnie is still seeking a positive relationship with them. Just a thought.
ReplyDeleteTransparency:
ReplyDeleteBonnie gives the masses more fuel than they need to tear her apart because of her need to live an open life. It appears she has tried to live according to conventional suppression and is now trying the polar opposite. It makes us uncomfortable about our black and white morals when we view them in this real world forum of grey area. Perhaps that's why we have so many opinions that seem clinical and primary, this need to say "My world view is right! Yours is wrong." That's easier to say here because the muddy real life version she gives isn't an academic example. It's her life. Perhaps this makes her appear weak, or damaged. I don't think she does it for positive feedback. She could be all cutesy and give us the Brady Bunch version of life, pretending to be some fantasy. That would be an instant formula for quirky comments and get her lots of hits. I think she has made this forum hers. It's not like anything out there... well except the bashing comments, they're pretty predictable, and even the fact that they make it through the filter is unique. This is the best answer I have for the constant why being asked here. Dissect it. tear it down and rebuild into what you want it to be. It's just one person's opinion.
I think I'm supposed to say something about fashion...
The fact that the sweater is the exact same shade as the big rusty wheel thingy is a little too matchy, matchy for my taste :)
Wut?
ReplyDeleteI think your assessment is pretty much spot-on.
ReplyDeleteOne other thing I find interesting is how worked up people are getting when situations like Bonnie's are so common. I know very, very few people who have been married for any length of time who have not cheated, thought about cheating, or developed a serious crush on someone other than their spouse. As much as we, as a society, want to believe that marriage is forever, the truth is, relationships fail. We make the wrong choices. We grow apart. We find someone who is a better match for us. While I think that most of us recognize this, I think it is also scary to think about. None of us want to think that we could be Bonnie (or Jerry), but the truth is, we all could, but virtue of being fallible and being human. I think that seeing what we're capable of--written out--without apologies--hits a lot of nerves because it breaks through that "Brady Bunch version of life" that has become all too common these days. As you said, people don't like those moral grey areas.
"I know very, very few people who have been married for any length of time who have not cheated, thought about cheating, or developed a serious crush on someone other than their spouse."
ReplyDeleteThat seems....I mean...who are these people you know? Yikes!
Well, considering that studies have found that between 15% and 40% of people in monogamous relationships cheat (the numbers depending on age and relationships status), these people I know are pretty typical. Plus, once you factor in the people who have thought about cheating but haven't/wouldn't do it, the numbers get pretty high.
ReplyDeleteI'm not saying that cheating is good or healthy, just that it's not as rare as one would like to imagine.
But we wouldn't necessarily POST THE EMAILS FROM OUR DEVELOPING AFFAIRS ON THE INTERNET.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure what the all caps are for. That is unique isn't it? That living your life transparently thing, warts and all. It is unorthodox, but it's not as ethically clean cut as we might like to believe. Sure she's making mistakes, and those mistakes are seen by all, but that's the way life goes. What if we all were a little less driven to hide our personal lives in a cloak of shame? Maybe people could learn things vicariously and not make the same mistakes themselves. Maybe the mistakes we've all hidden in the past are what drive us to defend our public discretions, and chastise these posts.
ReplyDeleteIf 15%-40% cheat that doesn't leave very few who don't. It means that the majority don't. (I'm not sure how "thinking about" cheating can be assessed.) The majority of comments take issue with the posting of the emails and her lack of concern for the other parties involved.
ReplyDeleteI know many people who have been married for years (myself included.) Of course, many marriages don't last. I think there's a lot to be said for being honest and open WHILE married, facing up to the fact that things aren't working out, giving it your best shot and walking away if things aren't fixable. To sneak around, have a secret affair, then publish the emails? That "openness" and "transparency" rings hollow.
Honestly, those who are posting congratulations on "finding your soulmate who you'll be with forever" seemanonymousparent60@yahoo.comnaive in the extreme. As you've noted, plenty of relationships don't last. The the odds of this lasting seem slim. (Multiple studies show that odds of divorces are much higher if the spouses were previously divorced.) Good luck to her.
I don't think she does it for positive feedback either. For some people, any attention is good attention. (And no, her blog did not get lots of hits when it was fashion-related, probably because the looks aren't anything special. From the view counter she has posted it seems like the affair stuff has been a hit! ) I'm not sure where you're getting the idea that people are "worked up." I think it's mostly amused incredulity at her vanity. People get a chuckle out of it (from "I'm too smart for CBT" to the silly emails to the "deep" quotes.)
This has to be Jerry commenting. Is "Comesinwaves" Jerry?
ReplyDeleteWhich studies are these? Who are they by? Sample population and sample size?
ReplyDelete... maybe...
ReplyDeleteOkay, Jerry, what's up with the screen name?
ReplyDeleteTurns out I'm not as transparent as she is. I didn't want my comments to be skewed by who I was. I read the blog and felt a need to comment. There was no collusion on Bonnie's part, but like yourself she recognized me right away. The first thing she said was that it would have been fine had I used my real name also. On the other hand I wasn't so very interested in keeping it a secret. The handle kind of gives it away.
ReplyDeleteWhat you don't understand is that she doesn't have to say WHY. It's a blog. She types/shares what she wants. There is not an editor that she has to explain or run her postings through before their posted. She does not have to answer your questions. You can ask yourself why all you want. She is not oblidged in any way to answer you. WHY do you care so much???
ReplyDeleteYou talk in circles...unless it is in code for Bonnie or something. Handle? Huh? You lost me there. It is easy to recognize your writing now, Jerry now that we have all seen so many emails.
ReplyDeleteNot sure about the circles. Thought I was fairly straight forward. A "handle" is a term for nick name, or screen name. It's some old school shit. I guess that didn't translate well. "comes in waves" is from a Decemberist song. It wasn't meant to be over thought. Bonnie got it, so maybe you're right about code. It was referring to my wanting her. It comes in waves. Was anything else confusing?
ReplyDeleteJerry, I started out very much against Bonnie, not because she left a sad and lifeless marriage, but because she posted all of those emails. I still don't agree with the email postings, but I find myself having a lot more compassion for her than I did before. Bonnie just happens to be a very likable person. What I'm curious about is how you feel about your wife and son possibly reading the falling-in-love emails? I think that's the part that most people have had a hard time with. I hope that time will heal all of you and that everyone involved will be able to move forward with peace of mind. I'm fairly new to this blog and have really been enjoying Bonnie's great fashion sense and down-to-earth personality. She's so different from most fashion bloggers, and I mean that in a good way. The outfit in this post, from head to toe, is my favorite so far.
ReplyDeleteWe should keep in mind that all the parties here are living this every day. It's not like they read these and found out much new, or shocking information. There was nothing in the content placed to belittle them, nor was there malice. It was the nature of how this unfolded. I think that might help everyone involved to have closure. To know we weren't sitting back laughing or taking it lightly. That we were struggling with the "right thing to do" and staying where we were was becoming less and less the right answer to that question for everyone involved. I think the e-mails show that, so maybe that will help. Just to know that. I also agree that reading them could be a painful process, so that warrants some thought. Thanks for your well wishes. I too hope this can be a rocky time in everyones past, sooner better than later.
ReplyDeleteThanks for your thoughts on this, Jerry. I've read what Bonnie has to say about it, too, and I'm beginning to understand that the emails weren't posted recklessly or with any kind of bad intentions. We all have an amazing ability to heal, both physically and emotionally, but sometimes people actually WANT to stubbornly hang onto their anger, and in that case, there's nothing you can do. It's not your responsibility to try and fix that. All the best to you, Bonnie, and whoever else this has affected.
ReplyDelete