First Days of Spring

"It's the first day of spring and my life is starting over again. Well the trees grow, the river flows, and it's water will wash away my sin. For I do believe that everyone has one chance to fuck up their lives. Like a cut down tree I will rise again and I'll be bigger and stronger than ever before."
-Noah and the Whale

Fall is my favorite time of the year. I love that little nip in the air. It energizes my spirit and gives me hope for the future. I so desperately need hope in my life right now because sometimes life can seem so very, very dark.

I haven't blogged much this week. It's been a rough one. Wednesday was one of the worst days I've had in awhile. I was still dealing with all the negativity I had been through due to my latest blog posts. I had a stressful day at work, and I was looking forward to crashing when I got home. My mom doesn't work on Wednesdays, so she had picked my kids up from school that day. When I came by to get my kids, I could tell my mom was in a bad mood. She's been all business for months now, but, suddenly, she wanted to talk about her feelings. She was mad at my sister. She said we both disgusted her. She said she wished she had never had children. I didn't feel like sticking around for the verbal abuse, so I told my son it was time to go. He had been sick with a stomach virus and didn't feel good that afternoon. He started crying because he wanted to continue watching his TV show. I had to pick him up and carry him out to the car. As I walked out my mom said, "He doesn't want to go with you." My daughter had been asleep, so I had to carry her out to the car as well. One sick child and one tired child do not a pleasant car trip make. They both cried the whole way home. Once we got settled in the apartment everyone was happy again.

Earlier that day, I had discovered a sore lump under the skin on the back of my leg. Once the kids calmed down, my hypochondria kicked into full effect. Of course the first thing my mind jumped to was cancer. I felt really sad as I thought to myself that there would probably be a lot of people who would be glad to be rid of me, including my mother. At that point I decided to check my email. My blog comments go to my email, and there was a comment waiting to be moderated. The words in that comment cut me to my core. Here is what it said: "How anyone could be smug and proud over breaking up a marriage and leaving her own kids (even if it is only one week at a time) is absolutely disgusting. You are completely shameless and your actions gravely shameful. You actually sicken me. I feel awful for your children, and I don't know how you can even sleep at night or look at your disgusting self in the mirror."

I felt so lost. How much negativity can one person take? Apparently, even more. Jerry and I had our first argument that night. It actually turned out to be a good thing, though. Events over the past week had caused me to build up an emotional wall between us. The argument broke down that wall. With his love and support, I was able to move past the negativity and find myself again.

Even though it's the first days of Fall, I feel like it's the first days of Spring in my life. Spring is the season when all things begin anew. Over these past few months, I've torn down my entire life. My parents have abandoned me, people have shunned me, and I have been kicked out of my home. My ex-husband now lives in the house I grew up in. The house my grandfather built with the oak trees in the yard that my parents planted. I have lost a lot to find love, but it was all worth it. I feel like my life is just beginning. I have the love of my 3 beautiful children and a wonderful man. These will be the building blocks for my new life. I will do my best to let all the negativity wash over me. I have hope once again.   

Noah And The Whale - The First Days of Spring mp3

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