Top: Anthropologie Lily of the Valley Blouse
Shorts and Sandals: J. Crew
Bracelet and Ring: The Limited
"When morning breaks,
We hide our eyes and our love's aching.
Nothing's strange." - The Verve
I've always loved weeping willows. When I was little, my best friend and neighbor had one in her yard. We would run around underneath it, pretend we were in the jungle, and let the branches brush across our faces. I find it interesting that while all the other trees are reaching upwards toward the sun, the branches of the weeping willow cascade down away from the light. The park where these pictures were taken was full of big, old-growth oak trees, but I focused in on this little weeping willow with it's lowly trunk and drooping branches. I found it more beautiful than any other tree that day.
I've been alot like that weeping willow over the past week. My anxiety, depression, and panic attacks returned in full force. I found myself growing towards the darkness. I felt alone and isolated compared to all the happy people around me. At times, I felt like there was no hope, but I kept getting up each day and fighting. I'm feeling much better now, and I haven't had a panic attack in a few days. I'm using this week to work through my feelings. I had alot of different ones last week, and I need to figure out which ones were caused by anxiety and which ones were legitimate. It's so tough not being able to trust your own thoughts because they are influenced by fear. I keep thinking about that little weeping willow amoung the big oak trees. It has it's own different, some may say crazy, way of growing but that's what makes it unique and beautiful.
Thanks for all your concerned comments and emails. They mean so much to me.
08 Weeping Willow The Verve
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Glad to see you posting again! Keep moving forward...cheers!
ReplyDeleteI know all about not trusting your own thoughts and feelings. I'm not a psychiatrist and don't pretend to be (like some of the people that leave you comments on here, lol) but I can tell you what I do that works for me.
ReplyDeleteI have such a hard time making decisions in my life, even over little things. It's crazy and a little crippling at times. What I've started doing is just making small decisions and sticking with them. This makes it easier and I feel more in control of things.
I think it's time to put the emotional stuff to the side and get logical for a little while - this has really helped me a lot. I go through my thoughts and evaluate and tell myself "I know this is true." or "I'm not happy with this so I'm going to think of concrete ways to fix it." It sounds crazy, I know. But it helps!
Make a list of all the things you don't like in your life then write down logical concrete things you can try to do to change the problems. (There's nothing like making a list to automatically create a sense of order in the middle of chaos)
If there is nothing you can do about certain things that's ok. Work on ways to accept those things.
Good luck :) And remember for as bad as you feel right now, there are people out there who have experienced the same kind of thing and people who have experienced worse things too. Keep your head up!
I am SO glad that you are feeling better and back to some of your normal routine. Sometimes getting up, getting dressed, and looking "happy" actully helps improve your mood... Hang in there and be sure you have someone you trust to talk to. You need a friend or two right now.
ReplyDeleteYou look really pretty in your summer outfit. You look like spring. I hope your Spring- renewal, new beginnings- is just around the corner!
Oh yay, you're back! Missed your posts...love this shot - I'm a huge fan of willow trees too. The 4th pix down could be a catalog shot. Beautiful.
ReplyDeleteHi - I have no idea what is going on in your life or why you're making the choices you are, but I think it is important to try to identify the cause of your feelings.
ReplyDeleteIf you have just cause and good reasons for doing whatever it is you're doing (and again I have no idea what that is and it is between you and God) it could be depression and you mourning your loss. Even if it's the right thing, you will still mourn your loss or what could have been.
Otherwise, maybe your anxiety is your conscience? Don't try to kill that. You do that you end up a sociopath and you don't want that because all sociopaths are miserable, unhappy people.
Good luck to you and may all God's blessings be yours.
Katie has some good tips too
ReplyDeleteI'm glad to see you back to blogging. I've been on blog hiatus until recently, and I was catching up when I read about your marriage. I want to tell you stick to what you feel is right and stay strong.
ReplyDeleteAs I've been reading the comments, I noticed some people casting stones, and I just wanted to tell you to ignore them. There are always people who look to thrive in others pain and to judge, but they have no place to. None of us know what's going in your life or what led you to the point to make this decision. You have your reasons and none of us should sit back and question them.
Anyone who is married or has been married knows a marriage can be a lot of work, and that sometimes it may come to the point where you want to throw in the towel when you've tried your darnedest and it's just not working out. Sometimes it's too broken to fix. Why stay and suffer in something where you're miserable?
Other people can sense when you're unhappy: the husband, the kids, etc. Staying in something that is miserable just to make others happy is not the way to live your life. To those who say stay for the kids, kids can sense when there is unhappiness. I, for one, sensed it when my father cheated on my mother a few times. You could feel the tension and pain even though no one discussed it with us. It broke my heart to see my Mom in so much pain, and I wanted her to take care of herself even if taking care of herself meant leaving my Dad.
No one has a right to say you're a bad mother. I'm sure your kids are the loves of your life, and that they are your #1 priority. What people have to realize is that sometimes you have to be on your own team. You have to be on Team Bonnie and take care of yourself, because no one else is going to do a good job as you will. Your kids will love you for it, and they will be happy when you have found peace and joy.
It's going to be a rocky road for a little bit, but you'll be able to make it through. Stay strong! Hug and love your kids! Go Team Bonnie!
Much love to you Chica,
Jen
Jen has a good point there - the kids deffinitely notice the tension in the marriage. My father was a monster but my mother stayed with him "because of the kids" for almost 25 years. Then one morning he tried to strangle her because he found out that she had begun a friendship with a man she met at the YMCA - they worked out together and it was totally innocent but the man had been talking her into leaving my dad. Aparently the man and my dad worked together and he had been telling coworkers about how horrible my father was...
ReplyDeleteThat morning I woke up and had to run across the street in my pj's and have the neighbors call the cops praying he wouldn't really kill her. I remember the relief that came after my father was carted off. I remember the pajamas I was wearing that morning. Kids keep all kinds of memories and it is those experiences that shape them.
I told my mom that I'd rather see her living in a cardboard box on the streets than be married to my father. I was like 9 at the time.
Eventually they did get a divorce.
Do you think it has to be that bad for a child to notice or feel it? I think it would be much easier on your kids to end the marriage rather than drag on the misery or unhappiness for years and years..."for their sake." If this is truely what you want and the marriage is not a happy one rip it off like a bandaid and move on.