The Gathering

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Jeans: Pilcro High-Waisted Flares
Shoes: Daniblack
Ring and Earrings: The Limited

"When the day is long and the night, the night is yours alone,
when you're sure you've had enough of this life, well hang on.
Don't let yourself go, everybody cries and everybody hurts sometimes." -REM

Well, the past few days have been some trying ones for me. My anxiety is back and along with it some weird physical symptoms. Yesterday was my day to leave the kids and when I got to my apartment I felt just awful. In addition to physical pain, those old familiar feelings started coming back. Feelings of panic and hopelessness. Combine all of this with missing my kids, and I had a full blown panic attack. Sunday's are really hard for me. It's such a shock to go from being in my old home with the constant sounds of my children to the quiet apartment and vice versa.

Today, I decided to go see my children because I thought that would be the one thing that would cheer me up. When I got to the house, my mom, dad, and sister were there having hamburgers and vegetables from my dad's garden with my husband and the kids. I can't really describe how this made me feel. I felt another panic attack coming on but managed to keep it together. My mom was nice to me and offered me some food. My dad didn't talk to me. I hadn't had lunch, so I decided to hang around and eat. It was so surreal. My sister asked me if it was my week with the kids and I said, "No, nobody comes over when it's my week," and then I completely lost it and started crying on her shoulder. I left there feeling so many emotions. As I drove, I saw all the people out and about enjoying their Memorial Day with family and friends. I felt so detached from all that. Like I'm not a part of the club anymore. It made me feel really sad.

As I type this, I'm still in pain, physically and emotionally. I feel really hopeless. My whole life is in a constant state of change, and I'm not a person who handles change very well. I've always relied on the support of my family, especially my mom, so it makes it all the more difficult. I'm doing my best to stay strong, but I'm starting to discover through all this that I'm a weak person. The family gathering today really stirred up a lot of different emotions. I feel myself giving in to the fear and anxiety. I know I need to stay strong and work through these emotions, but it's so difficult. The only thing I can hope for is that tomorrow will be a better day.

REM - Everybody Hurts

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  1. Your "new" life is still pretty new, so be patient with yourself. You're also probably learning a lot about who you are, what you want, what's important to you now and for the future. I imagine it is painful to see "your" family socializing with your husband, but remember that they are probably there to see the kids. I do think they should be more supportive of you (regardless of whether or not they agree with you), but it may just take some time. Time does heal. My mother passed away 5 years ago and although I still miss her, it doesn't hurt as badly now.

    I know that, for me, being married and having kids is not only about my individual relationships with my husband and 3 children but also about a lifestyle (just as you're describing). I rely on that lifestyle, I think, as much as I rely on them individually. I do need the "community" of family the dinners together, etc. So in addition to grieving the loss of your marriage, perhaps you are grieving the loss of that lifestyle. You're still building your new life, and it will just take time.

  2. Hi Bonnie,

    I wasn`t going to comment about your life and changes in it - because who we are to judge you!

    But today I must say this:

    Hang on.
    There will be always better and worse days.
    I suppose that is hard situation for all your family, even for your parents. And they sometimes can be very hurtful, but I think that it is their way to endure it, and I`m sure that in deep of they harts they still love you. Things just needs time.
    So stay strong :)

    And tomorrow will be a better day, must be.

  3. Tomorrow will be a better day. Yesterday I saw my mom and sis (dad and BIL, too) and today has been a tough day for me. I miss them so much. It is distance that keeps us from each other. Sometimes I wonder what in the heck we were thinking when we decided to move away from our "support team". But then they all moved, too, so I know it was meant to be - it took courage to do what we knew was right. Just know I am feeling for you and praying for peace for you, too. Big Hugs! xoxo

  4. You're always capable of more than you think you are. I can't tell you how many times I've thought about what I've lived through and said "How was I able to live that way for so long?" Keep going.

    Listen to the wise words of strong women from the past "A woman is like a tea bag - you can't tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water."
    Eleanor Roosevelt

  5. Feeling your loneliness...what your doing is very brave, It takes alot of guts to do what you feel is right and to follow your heart. it will be tough but it will get easier and you will know that you have done the right thing. keep strong.

  6. Hey Bonnie, I'm sorry to hear you had a rough weekend. I agree with these ladies above - you will get through this, and we're all thinking of you. Wishing you hopscotch days :o) xo

  7. Sending many positive thoughts your way.

  8. You are absolutely not a weak person, Bonnie. Weak people don't change their lives when they know it's time. I sympathize with the loneliness you're feeling, and I empathize with the anxiety rearing its head. Just remember that you will get through it, and the other side will be different, but worthwhile.

  9. Bonnie-
    Are you okay? I hope today is a good day and that you are feeling alot better.
    I miss your pretty pictures.
    Check in, and let us know that you are alright.

  10. Hang in there! This is quite a change for all of you. Of course it would not all be easy. Have faith in yourself that you all will adjust, including you. There are some bitter realities to all of this, unfortunately. Affairs, separation, divorce, splitting time with the is hard. Sounds like your husband is being amicable, which helps. It also sounds like your mom is coming around. That is a positive!

  11. Bonnie:

    Are you doing all right? Do check in when you get a minute. We all miss you!

  12. Bonnie, are you doing all right? I am getting little worried about you.

  13. Hi Bonnie,
    I've never posted on your blog before but I do pop in to read now and again and am hopig you are ok....sending good thoughts your way.

  14. This blog has been a constant expression of depression and unhappiness since even before this split, and pretty continuously thereafter too. Unhappiness about pretty much everything, jobs, relationships, life. I think it's time to admit that it's time for professional help.

  15. It's been a week since your last post???I hope you are ok. Please post just to let us know you are well

  16. Hi Bonnie,

    I felt so sad reading your entry.

    I too am going thru panic/anxiety attacks and currently out of work.

    I hope you're planning to/already speaking to a therapist. I have just started, and hopefully getting out all your emotions and feelings will help.

    Stay strong.


  17. send up a smoke signal! let us know how you are!

  18. You should really think long and hard about the fact that the ones who have known you longest are clearly shunning your behavior. For one moment, consider not how what they are doing affects you, but consider what they are doing for your children. Consider that your parents and sister feel it is more important to maintain strong relationships with your children instead of focusing on whether or not your feelings may be hurt.

    I have generalized anxiety disorder. I have been through bouts of therapy and medication. I am infinitely more happy and stable as a result. It is time for you to get professional help. Feeling sorry for yourself and looking for sympathy on the internet will not help you truly move forward and change. Admitting you need help is the hardest step; once you find a good therapist, you will look forward to those appointments, and look forward to the person you are becoming as a result of your progress.

    Also- as someone in medical school, it is abundantly clear from the entirety of your blog that you have psychological issues that are screaming for attention. I won't sit here and pretend to specifically diagnose you from your words over the computer, but it is enough to say that you owe it to yourself and especially to your children to address these issues in a meaningful way.

  19. OMG..."I'm in medical school, therefore I'm a professional doctor and I have the right to analyze your behavior" Shut up stupid.

    Bonnie has every right to write about whatever she wants and you have every right to go read something else. JudgeMENTAL piece of work...

    Anyway Bonnie, we hope everything's ok with you.

  20. I second Anon at 5:42 - any true professional would never have the gall to diagnose based on a bunch of fashion posts with some personal tidbits thrown in. Run along, med student, and practice on those who have actually requested your input.

  21. Uhhhhh......Anyone can claim to be in "medical school".

  22. You folks can say what you want about judgement etc., I really don't care about your opinion. Fact is that this is a woman crying out for help, and she needs encouragement to go get that assistance. Patting someone on the back while they fall into a destructive cycle of panic and anxiety is only enabling. It is clear from her posts that she not only has significant rifts with her immediate family, but she is falling into a serious cycle of panic and anxiety, which can easily lead to depression. It is only kind to recognize this fact and encourage someone to seek actual treatment. Anyone who thinks your pat on the back is going to fix these kinds of problems clearly have exactly zero experience dealing with them, either from a personal OR clinical standpoint. Until you have seen and experienced the reality and pain of these conditions, it's very hard to see why professional help is necessary, but it absolutely is. And until you have experienced a panic attack, you honestly have no concept as to what terror really is... and until you have lived in fear of having those panic attacks, you can't really comment on whether or not it is "judgmental" to tell someone to seek professional help. This is someone with serious anxiety, going through an extremely stressful period of their life, and now has that compounded by losing their strongest support structure, and is complaining of panic and anxiety. To say that she should NOT seek professional assistance is ignorant and unkind.


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