Fear and Life in a Small Town

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Dress: Anthropologie Zoya Dress

Shoes: Urban Outfitters

Necklace: The Limited

"I am afraid of myself and the darkness that's rising inside of my heart, so I hope I can trust you because I know I can't trust myself. Open my eyes remove anything in the way. Please be all I need, be everything." - The Lonely Forest

I haven't worn this dress in awhile. In fact, I think I've only worn it a couple of times since I've had it. I have no idea why. I love it.

Before composing this post, I decided to google "Zoya" and it came up as a feminine Russian name meaning "life." Funny that I love "life", but I choose not to wear it (live it) that often. When it comes to living life to its fullest, it's the fear that gets me. Fear of making the wrong decisions, fear of being a bad mother, fear of being a bad daughter...so much fear. I am letting it control my life right now. It's corrupting everything I see.

It's ironic that being yourself is so much harder than being what everyone else wants you to be. It's so much easier to let other people make your decisions for you. Making decisions for yourself means you are compleltely resposible for the consequences, and that's when fear comes in and makes you doubt your decisions. I don't want fear to control me. I'm fighting it everyday now. I hope one day soon to beat it and come out of all this a better, stronger person. A person who is ready to live life to its fullest.

For those of you suggesting I get professional help, I just want to let you know that I have been getting help since I started having panic attacks 2 years ago. I'm on Prozac 40mg. I have an appointment next week to see if I need to increase my dosage given my current circumstances. I'm also considering therapy if I can afford it. Thanks for you concern and suggestions.



  1. Medication without therapy does not even make any sense, and I can't believe any psychological or medical provider would be ok with this. Medication just by itself won't fix this. You can;t afford not to go to therapy, really.

  2. Oh Anonymous....of course it makes sense. My doctor prescribed an anti-depressant for me when a beloved member of my family was murdered, and it gave me the peace to grieve and calm down, and sleep. My "therapy" was talking to my family, spending time with my dog, exercise, eating healthy, and sleeping. So what do you know about it? Every THING is different for every ONE, and you have no idea what's best for anyone but yourself.

  3. Most of the people I know are on medication without therapy. By your standards, there are alot of quacks out there. I went to a couple of Cognitive Behaviour Therapy sessions and was told that I didn't need it because I was smart enough to know my thinking was illogical. The medication helps control the anxiety which causes the illogical thoughts. I've been doing fine for 2 years with just medication until my separation. I think anyone even without a mental illness would have a hard time given my circumstances. It would probably help to talk to someone, but I don't think the therapist would have a magic wand that would fix all my problems. At $40 a session and a 1 hour drive, I assure you, it's very logical that I can't afford it.

  4. I don't know anyone who's in therapy long term and taking pills. Unless they're like bat shit insane? lol! This is just another example of people who know NOTHING about this opening their big mouths.

    I can tell you (person who knows nothing about this) from personal experience that antidepressants do wonders - they just help to take the edge off - no big deal. When I was 15 I started taking them because I was an angsty teenager and had thoughts of suicide. I went to therapy like 3 times and then as soon as the drugs kicked in I didn't go anymore because they helped me think more clearly and as a result I was able to cope just fine. Depression and stress are often caused by physiological issues that can be taken care of with drug therapy.

    I really wish people would just get their facts straight before they start their judgemental shit. Honestly!

  5. Hi Bonnie,

    I just have a lighthearted comment to let you know how lovely you look in the Zoya dress. The pastel silk bodice is so lovely with your complexion. And how fantastic to learn that there is such a life-affirming etymology behind the garment's name. Doesn't it make the dress feel that much more special?

    I have been stalking this dress on Ebay for so long and watching for it to pop up on the EA trade market. If you have a chance, would you mind letting me know whether you think the Zoya dress runs TTS, in comparison with other Anthro dresses? (I think you and I are relatively similar in size, based on the measurements you've posted). I read a few reviews that said this dress ran small, so I have been nervous about bidding on Ebay. Thanks so much for any advice you can offer!!!

    Jamie at Thrifty Threads

  6. I LOVE your new blog header. Your post about the Hartseas blouse made me run out and buy it.

    ps, hang in there, life will get better and then it will get amazing. All this strife your living now will pay off soon enough.


  7. She has too many ongoing problems. Taking a pill won't solve that.

  8. Jamie: Nice to see a comment from you! It's been awhile! I'm sure I've been pretty scary lately with all my drama. LOL! I think it runs true to size. I definetely don't think it runs small. I took a size 6 in it back when I used to wear mostly 8's. I'm a true size 6 now, and as you can see, it still fits great. Good luck finding one! It's a great dress!

    Lulumum: Thanks! I sure hope so!

    Etsy: Well, the Prozac doesn't hurt.

  9. Hi Bonnie! Thanks so much for your help on this. It sounds like I can go with my true size on the Zoya without too much worry! I really, really appreciate it!

    I've been a bit scarce in the commenting world these days -- it can be so hard to stay on top of "real" life, in addition to blogging and any other hobbies! I can't imagine how you can maintain such a gorgeous blog, in addition to taking care of three children and working outside the home. Not to mention dressing beautifully on a daily basis! You are one impressive lady!

  10. HI Bonnie, I think Anon is a little crazy...but that's just me! :) I'm glad you are seeking help because any help is good at this point right? Keep your head up high..each day passed is a day to be cherished. And remember to smile and SING! :)



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