"Running up the hill with a new lit love
Pass a silver lining and then a white dove
Caught up in first names all colors but blue
Mirrors right and left unambiguous clues
Surrounding everything a thin white smoke
Rings of ornaments out of leaves and fine strokes
Helplessly engaged in a game with no end
Sweet and bitter taste webs following a trend
Sweet and bitter taste
Immediate and steep lifted crossing roads
Repetition will displace all eventual codes
Converging heavily to a systems offshoot
Unfold into a tree redirected hard root
Sweet and bitter taste"
- Junip
Honeysuckle: Sweetly-scented, bell-shaped flowers that produce a sweet, edible nectar. Breaking of the stem will release this powerful sweet odor.
There has been some speculating going on in the comments lately about what big changes I have been making in my life, so I thought now would be a good time to share with you some of what's been going on. I have left my husband. I know by sharing this, I will probably lose some readers. I've lost some friends and even some family by making this decision, so I'm prepared for the fallout. The decision to leave my husband of 10 years was not an easy one for me to make. I have not been happy in my marriage for some time, but I felt I needed to stay for the benefit of my 3 precious children. After alot of soul searching, I decided that even though it was going to hurt alot of people including my children, it was the right thing to do for everyone involved in the long-run. Like I said in my last post, it was a self-centered decision, but I truly believe that being self-centered is not always a bad thing. My kids deserve a happy and fulfilled mother. My husband and I are working together to make the transition as easy as possible on the children.
My life since making this decision has been a mixture of sweet and bitter. I'm happier than I've ever been in my life but at the cost of alienating people I love. I've had family members say, "You are just determined to do this aren't you, no matter what the cost?" It's not so much determination as just naturally doing what I feel I should do. I've been determined all these years to do what society preceives as "the right thing." I'm finally letting go and following my heart, and it feels so good. I could be making the biggest mistake of my life, but I'm willing to take the risk to see where my heart takes me. So, I'll take the bitter with the sweet, because the sweet is oh, so sweet!
The photos today were taken outside my new apartment. Yes, I feel like I'm back in college again. It's really weird starting over. I've made a long list of things I need, things I've taken for granted all these years, for instance, dishes. I got really excited while shopping at Walmart the other night. I went down the clearance isle, and they had bowls for $.75 and plates for $1.00. They were plain white and hard plastic, but they were dishes! I'm really starting to appreciate the little things in life! Anyway, there was some honeysuckle growing on a tree in the backyard. It smells so good. I used to love to drink honeysuckle nectar as a kid. Funny thing is, you have to break that beautiful flower to get to the sweet stuff. It seems life sometimes imitates nature.
I'm not a big Nicholas Sparks fan. I find his work very cliche' and cheesy, but I stumbled across this quote today and it spoke to me:
"You can't live your life for other people. You've got to do what's right for you, even if it hurts some people you love."
— Nicholas Sparks (The Notebook)
Top: Anthropologie Winner's Circle Tee
Jeans: Pilcro Straight Leg Jeans
Shoes: Pink Studio Bonnie Peep Toe Pumps
Earrings and Ring: The Limited
Posts
This is very sad, Bonnie. I hope that you exhausted options like counseling before making a decision to tear apart your family like this. I'm wondering if an affair with your photographer friend is what led to the "unhappiness in your marriage."
ReplyDeleteHaving grown up in a broken family (my parents divorced when I was 5 years old), I can tell you that the ramifications for your children will be very big. Split holidays, weekends being shuffled back and forth, step parents, step brothers and sisters, constantly feeling pulled in different directions...it was not easy at all. Not having a cohesive nuclear family is devastating for a child.
Bonnie, I am glad that you have followed your heart. My husband and I too have decided to go our separate ways after 7 years of marriage. Even though it was more his decision than mine, I find my heart and mind to be at such peace now a days. It was like letting out an enormous deep sigh. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. And I too took for granted the little things like dishes and oil changes.
ReplyDeleteHi Bonnie, I actually knew this was the change before you even said it. Likely because I went through this myself about 5 years ago. Just like you I was judged by a lot of people and lost most of my friends over it but it was my Grandmother who said to my mom "no one has the right to judge what is happening in someone else's marriage". So don't accept the judgement or any guilt they try to place, I did for a long time and it almost killed me.
ReplyDeleteCongrats on doing what you needed to do for you, stay strong.
Hi Bonnie! NONE of us are here (or should be) to judge you. We should only wish you the best and hope that your heart is fulfilled and happy and that your children are as well. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and life with us.
ReplyDeleteThoughts and love sent your way! Beautiful pics as always!
-Megan
Hang in there, chica. I'm praying for you.
ReplyDeleteWhile not discounting Cathy's comment, I feel growing up in a household with two parents who don't love each other is much worse. Children are infinitely adaptable, and I'm sure you are doing the best possible for them. There will be rough patches, of course, but "staying together for the children" is hardly a guarantee of perfect kids either!
ReplyDeleteAs for the affair comment, that is not our business, and it wouldn't matter anyway. Affairs usually happen when one person(or both) is unhappy; it is rarely the sole reason for a break-up or divorce.
What I find amazing is that your family could be so judgemental about it. Your family should want you to be happy. They should be doing everything they can to help, not make you feel badly about the situation. Obviously it is not an easy decision. At least now you will know who your real friends and true family are.
I've never commented before, but I love reading your blog, Bonnie. The pictures are awesome, and I hope you can continue posting. Best of luck with everything. Sara
good on you Bonnie! this would have been the toughest decision of your life...when kids are involved you do try for their sake but in the end there is nothing worse than bring kids up in an unhappy home. If your not happy it flows...i wish you all the best
ReplyDeleteBest of luck with everything, Bonnie. Not a single person knows what it's like to be in a marriage except the two people in it. I hope things work out.
ReplyDeleteOn a personal note, my parents had a functional marriage for the first 13 or 14 years of my life, and then things seemed to fall apart for them. They "stayed together for the kids" for about eight years before eventually getting a (long, messy) divorce. While I'm grateful to have had a largely peaceful childhood, it's hard to say what's worse---learning about relationships from a dysfunctional, unhappy marriage or being the child of divorced parents. It sounds like you and your husband are doing the right thing by focusing on the children, and making sure to take care of the complicated emotions they must be feeling right now.
The road ahead will not be easy by any means, but I'm sure you have the strength to face its challenges. Again, good luck with everything!
Just ignore all the people who are trying to make you feel bad and second guess your decision--whether on the blog or in real life--they don't live your life and they don't know your reasons, or really even need to.
ReplyDeleteJust follow what YOU think is best. You know best what is best for you.
Hi Bonnie,
ReplyDeleteIt is admirable that you have made such a decision. And even more brave of you to put it 'out there' on your blog. My extremely well-adjusted best friend is the product of divorce and while she admitted that it was difficult being shuttled between two parents at the time, she realizes now that it was far better having two happy, yet separate, homes than one big unhappy one. Continue to follow your heart and do what is best for you and your beautiful children, whether that means divorcing or reconciling with your husband. Best of luck to your family.
I agree that it is not good for kids to grow up in a household of strife and unhappiness. I just think that so many times, couples get so caught up in themselves (be it the one leaving or the one that is left behind- I'm not saying that Bonnie's husband isn't partially responsible- if you check out, don't participate, don't make an effort, don't care about your spouse, take them for granted- it is just as bad as packing up and leaving. Not sure what your situation was Bonnie and that is your personal business obviously). As an adult though, who grew up in a torn apart family situation, it was VERY HARD. The worst was probably when there were remarriages involved.
ReplyDeleteI am who I am though and that is, in part, due to how I grew up. I can say though that I would NEVER want that for my kids. I think a marriage is a commitment. Starting a family is a commitment. You stick it out. You work at it. You go to counseling if you are in a rocky patch. You suck it up because your family's needs are important, just as important as your own. You don't emotionally attach to someone else. You don't have affairs. What kind of message does that send to your kids? "You don't matter. All that matters is my mid-life crisis that I'm having and not willing to try to reconcile with your father" is what it says.
I have to admit, this is exactly what I thought was going on. To me(and clearly I know nothing but what I've heard in your posts and the tone) it was a change that will be very positive for you. You guys didn't sound like a true match. My parents divorced when I was 6 months old, so I know that life well, and although it was sad to never have a two parent family I think it would have been much worse to live in an unhappy one. What I do know is that my parents were amicable in front of my brother and I. To the point where my mother and I stayed at my fathers home together a year ago-with no issues at all. The effort they made has made my life infinitely better. SO in all I say you need to chase your happiness, wherever that may take you-but please be nice in front of the kids!
ReplyDeleteBonnie, you pictures are wonderful as usual. Hang in there...only YOU know what's right for you!
ReplyDeleteGood luck, Bonnie!
ReplyDeleteAs a counter to Cathy, divorce can be the best thing to happen to a family. My dad was married and had a daughter before he married my mother (and then they had me and my little sister). My dad's daughter is my half sister, but I've never thought of her as anything other than a full sister. In fact, she told me once years ago that she thanked God every day that her parents divorced because she ended up with two new sisters.
I sincerely hope that your situation ends up as well as ours did. Bringing your children up in an unhappy home can be even more damaging than the alternative. Good luck!
You just lost a follower. I can not understand how you can keep blogging while this is happening in your life...
ReplyDeleteGood luck Bonnie. I think that quote is spot on, and it's so very sad that people who are supposed to love you unconditionally would be so judgmental and unsupportive. Your kids are lucky to have a brave mother who is at least willing to try to make a happier life for all of you.
ReplyDeleteGood luck, Bonnie- no one knows better than you what is best. Don't listen to the knee-jerk naysayers- focus on friends and family members that are supportive. I hope you both can keep things friendly and open, and that's all that matters for your kids. They will easily adapt if they feel loved and secure.
ReplyDeleteHi Bonnie:
ReplyDeleteI have never commented, but read your blog everyday. You deserve to be happy in whatever capacity that may be. I will continue to read your blog and root for you and your happiness. :)
I thought this is what was going on (I noticed you hadn't been wearing your wedding ring).
ReplyDeleteYou sound a LOT happier. If this is what needed to happen for you to find your happiness, than I think it's for the best.
I hope things continue getting better and better for you!
Sending big hugs and happy thoughts your way, from 3000 miles away!
I'm so sorry that you're going through this. No matter the situation or who initiated it, it's never easy. Nobody has the right to judge you because nobody else knows what's going on the way that you do. As for continuing to blog during this period of intense transition, it's something stable during an unstable personal time. Do what you need to do and know that you're in our thoughts even if we've never met you. xx
ReplyDeleteI wrote a nice and long comment but blogger ate it. The gist of it was that I wanted to wish you the best of luck! Thank you for being so candid and I hope one day you'll look at this experience and know that it happened for a good reason. :)
ReplyDeleteHey! I'm another person who grew up with divorced parents, but I want to say that it's really not all that bad. I was 3, STILL remember my parents screaming at each other, and now they are both much happier and remarried to people I like. I spent my whole childhood going one week at my mom's, one week at my dad's--frankly I thought it was just kind of normal, lol So don't let anyone tell you getting a divorce will scar your kids or make them unhappy forever and ever, because it's just not true.
ReplyDeleteFun fact: They tell me that when they told me and my half- brother and sister they were getting a divorce, that I cried a little, then went outside and played. It'll be alright.
Keep blogging Bonnie. Granted, I'm 27 and not married (yet) but I think it's really inspirational that you're sharing your problems. A lot of people go through with this and feel they are alone -- it's nice that you are being brave and accepting your decision and its ramifications openly. A lot of people have a problem with this level of honesty.
ReplyDeleteMarriage is important. It is sacred. But it's not supposed to be a bondage into misery for the rest of your adult life.
Bonnie...
ReplyDeleteAs a fellow mom (and product of divorced parents) I'm sure it tore you apart to make your decision. I hope you and your husband continue to put your children at the forefront of your thoughts and decisions. Kids are certainly wonderful at adapting and whatever they go through will most likely make them stronger people in the end. Just be sure to give them lots of hugs and kisses and let them know, whenever you can, that your love (and your husbands love) for them has not changed. I hope you can shrug off those who pass judgement over you-for they have no right.
Best of luck to you (and you little ones)...Kristen
I am glad you are doing what it best for you Bonnie. My parents stayed together for far too long when they should have went separate ways, and from my own experience, even if your children do have difficulties with the change, when they get older, there is a great chance they will look back and understand. I know I had a huge range of emotions when I was going through this in my family, but I understood later on. Of course no one knows for sure, but you deserve to be happy!
ReplyDeleteI smiled over your experience of shopping for new dishes. I am currently starting to get together things for my new place (in a couple of months) and it is great putting things together and finding awesome deals :)
Bonnie,
ReplyDeleteI read your blog and look at your pictures daily. In the beginning I was as avid reader, mostly because our body types are similar and I loved to be able to see things on you to get a better idea of how they would look on me! But, as I became a more loyal and consistent follower I found that that a lot of your posts had such negative undertones to them. Truthfully they became depressing to read. I am hopeful that thru your transition you begin to find some happiness and that your blog posts start to have a more positive spin on them. I don’t mean this harsh at all but wanted to let you know my perspective on things.
As far as leaving your husband, I am with a lot of other ladies on this one. It is better to have to happy parents apart then to have parents together that are miserable. I am a firm believer in not staying together for the kids. Although the beginning might be harder, the long term result will be much better for them.
Wow, I have been reading some of the comments, and people are harsh and rude, not to mention assuming.
ReplyDeleteI support you in your decision. No one can know what you are going thru and what you need to do to make yourself happy other than you. I applaud you for such a difficult decision. I know people who prefer to live in unhappy marriage rather than do something about it, which society does not accept very well other than when it happens with celebrities.
When celebrities get divorced its no big deal, but when common people do, then its the worst thing to happen.
Well it is good to have two happy parents for kids but you know what, its better to have one happy parent rather than two unhappy parents.
Good Luck!!!! Wish you all the happieness in life. You can count on me on support.
Enjoy the new found freedom. And ignore some of the sick comments people have posted.
Rachel
Best of luck to you! As a mom and a wife, I'm sure your decision was difficult, but hopefully it is for the best and will result in more happiness for you, your children, and your husband. Kudos for being so candid about a touchy subject that is sure to get its fair share of negative comments.
ReplyDeleteI read all the comments and don't see a malicious tone in any, except for the superfluous "You lost a follower" comment. (Why even bother to post after un-following?) I'm here for the pretty pics, so I have no commentary on your personal decision, except to say, I hope you find a support system to build a healthy future. Maybe your blog will play some role in that. Also, you never know what opportunities are ahead. I used to read a column Single in the Suburbs that I thoroughly enjoyed; she was in a similar situation. Perhaps, you could embark on a similar writing endeavor, or even write a book about your experience. All things can work together for your good and growth.
ReplyDeleteBonnie, I am sitting here with my mouth open over some of the reader comments! Cannot understand how ANYONE can be so mean-spirited and judgmental about a situation that is NOBODY'S BUSINESS but yours. Crazy!
ReplyDeleteI think everyone is entitled to be happy in life and I'm sure you did a lot of soul searching to make what you feel is the best decision for YOU.
Yes, divorce is tough on all involved, but it's also horrible growing up with parents constantly fighting and at each others throats.
I say GOOD FOR YOU in making a positive change in your life.
It is worth it to talk about hard things online. You never know who might be struggling with similar issues.
ReplyDeleteHi Bonnie
ReplyDeleteI've been away for a while and missed all of this, the posts leading up to and including this one. Just catching up now. Best of luck to you in this new chapter in your life.
Louise x
HI Bonnie - you already know you have my support, but I just wanted to put it out there publicly. The best thing my parents ever did for me and my brothers was to separate - rather than growing up in an unhappy household, we watched them make tough decisions that were the best thing for all of us. They made it possible for us to live happy lives, with happy parents. They just weren't happy together. I'm grateful for their responsible choices, tough as they must have been.
ReplyDeleteAn an adult daughter with a mother who for a variety of reasons (not all to do with my dad)is very often very unhappy - I can say there is nothing that makes me feel as helpless and unhappy and desperate as my mother's unhappiness - and that the life she has created for herself seems to leave her with few avenues to craft a life better suited that would make her happy. No, I didn't notice this when I was ten, or fifteen - but it breaks my heart every week today.
ReplyDeleteYou children aren't going to stop caring about you when you are forty and they are grown - and if the woman you are at forty is unhappy and disapointed with your life - it will be a burden to them. Crafting a life that suits you is a positive thing for the people who love you, your children included.
Best of luck.
Hi Bonnie,
ReplyDeleteJust have to tell you that my mother stayed in a miserable marriage for more than 20 years because she didn't "believe in divorce" but finally ended it.
I don't blame her or judge her - she deserved to be happy and honestly it was the best thing for my sister and I. Take care of your heart and everything else will fall into place.
-Kate
They are not my children and it's certainly not for me to say, but please don't tell us you left your children and moved out. Why would you not stay with them? They didn't do anything, and they deserve more than a part-time mother who now lives in an apartment. I hope they moved with you.
ReplyDeleteMy husband's mother moved out to an apartment years ago and left her children, seeing them as an occasional mom instead of living with them, and every time I have ever seen this happen, the result isn't good. Please be aware.
Hi Bonnie,
ReplyDeleteI am a quiet reader of your blog and I must say good for you for doing what is best for you and your kids, being unhappy in a marriage isnt good for your kids or you! I wish you all the best in your new life and I praise your strenght and guts for following your heart. Your experience will surely help other women in the same situation. You are a very beautiful lady and seem very down to earth. It is better to be happy and divorced then unhappy and married. Again I really admire you for your courage to start over, it gives other women who are in similar situations hope.
Good luck to you. I've never been married but ended an 8 year relationship when I was 29... it was the best thing in my life. I loved being single and having my own place. Now I am 34 and with a new partner in a new city.
ReplyDeleteAlso, get thee to a thrift store! You can get the anthro style you love for pennies from thrift stores and estate sales, especially in a rural area like you live (I live in Seattle and travel to the rural parts of the state to thrift). You don't need walmart plastic when you could be eating of off estate china for the same price. :-) Have fun!
Since you have three young children I'm assuming you left them with your husband when you moved out of your home. That is very sad for all of them, and don't fool yourself that they will understand because "Mommy deserves to be happy." All they are going to think about is that Mommy wasn't happy being their Mommy. Yes, I am judging you, and that is what happens when you immaturely post pictures of yourself pretending to be an Anthropologie model looking very happy with yourself while writing about leaving your family. Take others' advice and stop playing dress up while your family is being torn apart. If not for your children then at least for appearances sake.
ReplyDelete