In Dreams

Dress: Anthropologie Embossed Basket Dress - Size Medium

Undershirt: Anthropologie Finessed Turtleneck - Size Small

Tights: Hue Diamond Grid Tights - Size 2

Boots: Blowfish Blyth Booties - Size 8.5

Necklace: Anthropologie

"Through every morning, through the fields of sleep, I'm always found in a corner, but I'm holding on." - Delay Trees

I've had some really bad dreams lately. So far, I've overslept everyday this week because it's so damn hard to wake up out of these life-like dreams. Once I do wake up, I feel like I have a really bad hangover. Now, these dreams haven't been your typical nightmares such as big hairy spiders on the prowl or hundreds of snakes as far as the eye can see. No, the subject matter of these dreams is pretty tame, but my emotions in the dreams are anything but. 

In yesterday's dream, I remember driving through a muddy field with my mom. She told me to put the truck in four-wheel drive and hit the gas. I was fine at first, but then my foot started slipping off the gas pedal and no matter how hard I tried I couldn't reach it again. We were going nowhere. My mom got really angry and told me to get out of the way so she could drive. Then, she proceeded to drive us through the field with no problems at all. In today's dream, I was dreaming about oversleeping and being really late for work. Once I arrived at work, I was so behind on all my deadlines that it seemed like I would never catch up. I remember feeling overwhelming anxiety over this. Imagine my delight, when I awoke and discovered that I actually had overslept and was really late for work.

I'm no dream expert, but the common theme here seems to be inadequacy. I'm sure it comes as no shock to anyone that I have a tendency toward self-loathing. I think this is why I have such a hard time with negativity. I brush off any positive comments and only focus on the negative ones. Probably because they reinforce the feelings I have about myself. Take these pictures for instance. As we were editing them, Jerry was telling me how beautiful I looked in them, but all I could say is, "I look fat and my hair looks awful." Another reason I'm stuggling might be because I haven't purchased any new clothing in over a month now. (I know, first world problem.) It's so easy to just buy the latest thing and wear that without having to think about it. I'm really having to pull out those creative juices lately and come up with new combinations with the items I already own. I'm proud of myself for my fiscal responsibility, but I'm also struggling without that saftey net of new items to fall back on.

I guess the important thing in all this is that I recognize my issues, and I'm willing to put forth the effort to better myself as a person. Most people struggle to make their dreams a reality. In this case, I will strive to change my reality in hopes that it will better my dreams.