Somebody That I Used To Know

Picture 79

Picture 81

Picture 93

Picture 92

Picture 96
Dress: Anthropologie Ajisai Dress - Size 6
Sweater: The Limited - Size M
Belt: Anthropologie Looping Lanes Belt - Size M
Boots: Frye Paige Tall Riding Boots - Size 8.5
Earrings: Tree and Kimble

"But you didn't have to cut me off, make out like it never happened and that we were nothing. And I don't even need your love, but you treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough...Now you're just somebody that I used to know." - Gotye

I passed my dad on the road on the way into work. I threw up my hand to wave, but then I thought, "Oh yeah, he doesn't speak to me anymore." I put my hand down and found myself feeling very rejected. I watched his tail lights in my rear view mirror until they faded into the horizon. It's so weird to have grown up with someone as your authority figure, spent so much time with them, and now have them treat you like a stranger. Not only is it weird, it's sad.

I'm a farmer's daughter who grew up very much a tomboy. My dad is your typical southern redneck. He is an excellent hunter, and when I was little I loved to tag along with him. We became very close during my "tween" years going to field trials, hunting club meetings, and dog shows. We also bonded on Sunday nights over cheesy USA channel movies of the SciFi variety. He loved listening to me play the piano and, much to my chagrin, made me play for anyone who happened to drop by for a visit. When I moved out for college, he was devastated. He and my mom were on the cusp of a separation, and I think my leaving during such a turbulent time was really hard on him. I did my best to visit him on the weekends to cheer him up a bit.

As the years rolled on, we became distant. His divorce from my mom seemed to harden his heart, and I found it very difficult to talk to him. He was often under the influence of alcohol and spoke to me in a really crass manner. I guess it didn't help any that I had grown into a very different person from that shy tomboy, and we no longer shared the same interests or world views. I would often ask for his help as people are prone to do when they are first starting out in the world. I swear he kept a notebook of all the things he had ever done for me, because he didn't hestitate to throw them in my face any chance he got. His love came with strings attached, and this became really evident when I moved into one of his houses. There was one incident in particular that really got to me. A young boy had driven into the retaining wall at the end of our driveway. We filed a claim with the boy's insurance and had a man come out and give us an estimate of the damage. We then turned the estimate into the insurance company and scheduled an appointment to have the wall repaired. Since the property was in my dad's name, the insurance company wrote the check to him. I called my dad and asked him if he had gotten the check. He said yes, so I asked him if he could bring it by so we could pay for the repairs. He told me to be "patient." I was so angry at him. We had done all the leg work to get that money, and he just took it for himself. It's not like he needed it. The damage to the wall was major, and it made our whole yard look bad. In the 4 years I lived there, I never saw that money. I eventually had my ex-husband tear it completely down with a sledgehammer.  At least it looked a little more presentable that way. I could tell you stories similar to this for days, but the point is he wasn't a very nice person. 

When he found out about my intentions to separate from my husband, he went bat shit. He stormed into my (his) house and cussed me out. He told me it was the women's responsibility to keep the family together no matter the circumstances. I told him that was awfully convenient for men. He said, "that's just the way it is." I did my best to explain my position to him, but he wasn't having it, so he kicked me out of his house, and here we are almost 10 months later strangers to each other. Everyone else in my life has come around, but he's still holding out. I called him up last month and invited him over for Christmas dinner. He said, "Thank you for calling" and hung up. 

It's a sad situation, but in some ways it's been a good thing. I didn't like the person he'd become and didn't need his negative influence in my life. I love that I'm independent now and have broken those strings that had held me in his debt so long. Maybe one day he'll come around, and we can have some semblence of a relationship. I would hate it if one of us died before we resolved our issues with each other. So, I'll keep trying to contact him every once in awhile in hopes that one day we can reconnect with each other and that he'll no longer be somebody that I used to know.

Gotye feat. kimbra- Somebody That I Used To Know

CONVERSATION

37 comments:

  1. I have never posted on anyone's clothing blog except yours. I think it is because your blog is more than just the clothes, you have a story to tell. Love the outfit and your expression in the last pic- guarded happiness, I think?

    ReplyDelete
  2. How brave of you to bear your soul regarding this episode of your life and how sad at the same time. I hope at sometime you and your Dad are able to come to some type of relationship that you both want and are able to take each other as you are. I think your head is spot on about what you said in the last few sentences about if one of you died, and you were still estranged how sad that would be. Each day is not promised to any of us. Life changes in a second. Keep reaching gout periodically.....

    ReplyDelete
  3. Wow Bonnie, that is really tough. I have a similar situation with my folks, especially my dad, only I am the one not speaking to him, because he has done some terrible things over the years and he's in total denial. It really sucks when your parents change for the worse. I keep thinking that if they were always like this, it would just be normal, but because they were once normal and good, it's so hard now. I am glad you at least tried with your dad.

    I love this outfit. I think socks peeking out of boots are the best and I like the belt. I want to start wearing belts like that but I never want to pay for belts! But it's an awesome dress and you look good.

    ReplyDelete
  4. You are doing the right thing in taking the higher road, attempting to contact him occasionally. This is very sad but familiar to me (though different circumstances) unfortunately. I have learned that I really have no control over the actions of others, particularly that of my own father. My heart goes out to you, Bonnie. I know how hurtful it can be to have your father basically disown you. At this point though, you have to focus on your own life, your own kids, your own clean slate (your family). Things have been bad with my own father for a long time, even before I ever had kids. I have always taken comfort in the fact that I had a "do-over" so to speak with my own family that I had created. It would never be the way it was for me as a child. That's not to say I am not bitter a little bit over what should have been, the father I should have had, the grandfather my kids should have had. My life is infinitely blessed in so many other ways though, which I try to focus on.

    Hang in there!

    ReplyDelete
  5. I am sorry that your Dad has cut you out of his life. Even if he wasn't treating you well when you were in it, that's still got to hurt.

    Reading your story, it struck me that perhaps he's reliving through you some of the pain he felt when his marriage to your mother ended. Maybe he's been so unreasonably angry with you because he's transferring on to you the fury and sadness he felt at the end of his own relationship. I don't know all of the details, and this could be wrong. Even if it's right, it doesn't excuse his behavior. But for me, I feel a little bit better when I can understand something about why people are behaving the way they are--it makes it easier to see that their behavior is mostly about them and often very little about anything I personally deserve.

    Beth

    ReplyDelete
  6. I don't know all the details of your situation and it sounds like this your relationship with your dad had been strained before your divorce. But i just want to say that my sister had a huge falling out with our entire family. To hear her side of the story you would think we were all terrible awful people. But what she won't tell you is how she made us feel, and treated us like crap, and was So selfish for a long time. I'm not saying your point of view isn't valid. I'm just saying I do not take sides in family disputes because those types of relationships are always so complicated and any outsider can only know a fraction of the details at best. I hope you two can work it out. I think about my sister every day. I haven't talked to her in 2 years. It's tough. Really tough.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Hopefully in time you'll find your way back to each other.

    ReplyDelete
  8. This probably sounds really selfish, but think all relationships need to be beneficial in some way. If your dad (or anyone) is a negative influence in your life, when you spend time with them, you tend not to be your "best self". You then come away frustrated with yourself for your own behaviour. Sometimes the only option is to cut ties and move forward without those people in your life.

    All the best Bonnie. Surround yourself with those people who will help and support you to be the best you, you can be! Perhaps in the future, you'll be able to revisit the relationship with your dad in a way that is healthy and beneficial to you both.

    ReplyDelete
  9. You sound really entitled and spoiled.

    ReplyDelete
  10. I noticed that the major problems you cited between you and your dad both involve money: your expectation that he give it to you and your disappointment when he does not. Your dad used money and security to control you and he took it away when you exercised your own independent judgment. Unfortunately, since it's his money, it's his prerogative to do so. Look at the jelly side: this is your opportunity to grow up.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Yes, Beth, you've hit the nail on the head here. I think my dad is totally transferring his own shit onto my situation. My sister got divorced many years ago, and he totally supported her in that decision, but that was before he and my mom divorced.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Justsayin, you are always just sayin stuff against me. You clearly don't like me and will take any position as long as it is opposed to me. I love how you've spun this to be all my fault. My dad's an asshole, plain and simple. This is common knowledge to anyone who knows him. If he is going to willingly give me things then he shouldn't hold it over my head. I will never do this to my own children. Yes, I'm sure I've done my fair share of things to wrong him, but I forgive him and move on because he's my dad. He's called me some really nasty names, and it hurt bad, but I still want to have a relationship with him. He, on the other hand, is pouting like a little child because he didn't get his way. He has chosen not to write me out of his life because I made a decision he didn't agree with. As immature as you think I am, I feel I'm being more of the adult in this situation.

    ReplyDelete
  13. I totally agree with this, Anna. If a person can't bring anything positive to my life then I'm better off without them. I just wish my own dad could be a positive influence. It makes me sad. I still hold out hope that one day he will come around.

    ReplyDelete
  14. I understand what you're saying here. There's always two sides to the story. I'm not saying I'm without fault. I just think that family should provide unconditional love. I'm willing to forgive the things he's done to me, but he's not willing to do the same.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Thanks, Catherine. I'm sorry about your own experience in dealing with this. You are exactly right. I can't control what other people do. I just make sure that I handle things much differently with my own children. There is some satisfaction and comfort in that.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Sorry about your dad, Alycia. I hope you find some resolution one day.

    I love boots with knee socks, as well. So comfy! I've probably worn this particular belt too much lately, but it's so versatile and really defines my waist. You should definitely try one out!

    ReplyDelete
  17. I don't dislike you, but the running thread I see in your blog is that you are often the pot calling the kettle black, and I don't understand why it is you can't see that. Going back to the butterfly thing you posted a few days ago... Hell, even going all the way back to your posts about being asshurt that people were pissed off at you when you hooked up with your boyfriend. Can't you see how you do the same things to other people that you complain about being done to you? Can't you see how your dad might be hurt by your lack of appreciation, posted on the internet for the world to see after your falling out wiht him? I continue to comment in the hopes that you will have a lightbulb moment. I don't have any ill will towards you; I just wish that you could see what other people see. You say you've forgiven your father, but it's clear you have not, not when you are calling him an asshole on YOUR PUBLIC BLOG.

    You only like comments that are sychophantic, apparently, but I can't imagine I'm the only one of your readers who finds you to be hypocritical sometimes. If your blog is truly a mode of sharing your experience with the world, I would hope that you could be open to others' viewpoints regarding what you put out here for us to read. Sometimes it is really, really difficult to hear how we sound to other people, but it's very, very important to listen, Bonnie.

    I'm sure you will interpret this as a big attack and continue to delude yourself into thinking you are a martyr.

    ReplyDelete
  18. I remember the first time I realized that my parents weren't just parents, they are people too... and as such they make huge and terrible mistakes sometime. It's like when you're a kid and see your teacher at the grocery store and realize she doesn't just live in the school, lol.

    Your dad is transferring some of his own issues onto you for sure. I think I would write him a letter telling him all the things you feel about the situation - how you miss him and love him but need to make your own decisions regarding your life and happiness. How sad you are when he rips you apart but how you hope in time he will be able to accept your decision and come back to your life, the door is always open, etc.. He will read it. You can't just push a letter away.

    ReplyDelete
  19. JustsayinshesrightJanuary 12, 2012 at 1:01 PM

    wow...calling your dad an asshole? i imagine your kids would say something similar about you spreading them for an old dude with a $600 camera and ditching them to be a FREE AND FLOWY AND UNIQUE SPIRIT

    ReplyDelete
  20. My dad has spent years earning that title, and I will shout it from the rooftops if I so wish. My kids have nothing but love for me and I for them. That's the way it's supposed to be. If everyone went around being as judgemental as you, none of us would speak to one another. I'm so fucking sick of people saying I ditched my kids. I have JOINT fucking custody! Would I love to have full custody? Hell yes, but I did what I thought was best for my children.
    Oh, and old dudes with $600 cameras rock!

    ReplyDelete
  21. I'm tired of people insulting me and then saying it's done out of "concern." I call bullshit. You come on here, use your big fancy words, wield your quotation interpretation skills, and tell me I need to grow up. What could possibly motivate you to do this? Concern? I think not. Your tone tells me otherwise. I believe it’s because you think you’re superior to me. You think you’ve got life all figured out, so you comment here pointing out all my flaws and trying to show me the error of my ways. Well, I got news for you, everybody’s got flaws and nobody’s got life all figured out. The real reason you come on here, the reason you won’t admit to yourself, is it makes you feel better about your own shortcomings to point out mine. Just sayin’….

    ReplyDelete
  22. Hi Bonnie - I am sorry about the relationship with your dad. I have issues with people at work that are extremely troublesome. I am happy to hear you are taking the high road and still trying to contact him. You need to live your life.

    And what is with people that clearly don't like you coming on here and bashing you? It must be because they are jealous, guilty, angry, whatever.... I think they should just not subscribe and go somewhere else. It seems so foreign to me to even go onto a blog where I don't like the person blogging. Maybe it makes them feel better about their miserable selves.... I only read or watch what I like...anyway....keep up the good work and you (as usual) look gorgeous! Cheers! Sherry xoxo

    ReplyDelete
  23. judgmental is spelled like <----, not like ^

    ReplyDelete
  24. Believe it or not, some people who disagree with you are trying to be helpful. I don't think I'm superior to you, and I'm chiming in to agree with "justsayin" because my parents used money as a way to express love and exercise control for a long time. And I fell into the trap every time, thinking that this time they would give unconditionally. Of course, nothing changed. Then I did a lot of reading, and realized that I can't change them. It took a while to accept this emotionally. Then I wondered, if I don't let myself be manipulated by accepting material things from them, will it feel like they don't love me?

    Because that's how it had been my whole life. It took a while for us to adjust, but I feel so much more free not being dependent on them in any way. It would be nice if they expressed love unconditionally, but they didn't, they don't, and they're not going to. I know they love me as much as they can, but their idea of love involves control. I don't have to play their games.

    I'm sharing all this because it sounds like your dad is a lot like my parents. It must have been especially tough for you for him to kick you out of your house and let your ex stay. I would be incredibly hurt by that. He doesn't sound like an easy parent to have, but there really is an opportunity here for you to grow. It was really hard, but once I let go of the idea that my parents would be what I wanted them to be, I felt a lot more at peace.

    I don't really get why what "justsayin" said pissed you off, and I'm not trying to fan the flames here. I feel sympathy for you, even though I'm not giving you compliments. For what it's worth, this book helped me: http://www.amazon.com/If-You-Had-Controlling-Parents/dp/0060929324/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1326406472&sr=1-1

    ReplyDelete
  25. I have no reason to manipulate you emotionally by feigning concern. I come here because I think your story and your inability to look at any of your recent life events objectively is fascinating.

    ReplyDelete
  26. well, actually both ways are right.

    ReplyDelete
  27. Were you and your husband living in your dad's house rent free or for very low rent? If so, I can see how your dad would have withheld the money, expecting a grown man that was living in his hard-earned property to pony up and chip in a bit.

    ReplyDelete
  28. Dude, he gave you a house and you complain about payment for repairs (which you didn't actually even do.) I don't think you need to worry about "doing this to your children" since you don't seem on track to owning multiple houses. Hard to get there when you're spending so much at Anthro I guess. Weren't you just "sad" about what you could afford for your kids Christmas?

    You clearly have not forgiven or moved on since you publicly slur your father, call him an "asshole", etc. I don't think you can claim the moral high ground on this one.

    ReplyDelete
  29. Does anyone have a problem with him taking Insurance Money on a claim filed and not using it for the purpose of the claim? Everyone except Bonnie seems to have missed this point. It's not like she asked him for the money. She filed a legal claim and was rewarded money to have the retaining wall fixed. Him not giving her the check to fix the wall is called Insurance Fraud.
    You people get so caught up in trying to place blame, I don't think you actually listen to the story. She acted like an adult, filed a claim, was rewarded a benefit to fix the wall and then her father took the money and she was left with a broken retainer wall. Because the house is in his name she probably couldn't legally have done anything to him....but I would have let him know that I was calling a lawyer to check. Insurance Fraud is not a joke. I'm sure the young boy's family was extremely happy every time they drove past the house and saw that the wall was not fixed even though their insurance company settled the claim. I'm sure they thought Bonnie spent the money.
    People....look beyond the tree at the forest before you accidentally run into another tree!

    ReplyDelete
  30. Hi Bonnie, I have to say so much of what you are going through is exactly what I have experienced. My divorce is final at the end of this month. I also have joint custody with my ex. And my family was torn between supporting me and blaming me. My relationship with my father was also very strained...it only took him 2 years to meet my now boyfriend who is 10 yrs. my senior! Now I can laugh about it, but going through it is something very different. So much of what you have posted, I have experienced. Particularly on celebrating holidays. It was isolating like I no longer had any part of this club. I was on the outside looking in. I question myself everyday on my decision to leave, not seeing my children when they're with their dad kills something inside of me. But I still left and I'm coming out of this tunnel. It's hard, but we need to choose to be happy everyday. I am choosing to be happy.

    ReplyDelete
  31. LOL. It's not insurance fraud. He was given money to compensate him for property damage. Whether or not he fixes the damage is up to him. He'd still be entitled to compensation for the decrease in value.

    ReplyDelete
  32. I think it's very generous of your to want a relationship with him and keep trying when he has "cussed you out" - I think some lines should not be crossed and once crossed can never be forgotten though they might be forgiven.

    ReplyDelete

Back
to top