Dress: Anthropologie Spiced Dress
"But you are not alone in this." - Mumford and Sons
Well, it wasn't really the nice, relaxing weekend I had hoped for on Friday. My fear really took over, and I was plagued with terrible thoughts and dreams. As I've mentioned before I've stuggled off and on with hypochondria. It seems to especially flare up during stressful times. Right now, I'm obsessing over a mole that I have had for at least the past 10 years. I've convinced myself it's melanoma that has spread to the rest of my body. I know my thoughts are illogical, but I can't seem to stop thinking them. Thoughts of death follow me everywhere I go. I find myself feeling very detached from society and helplessly alone.
My therapist says my hypochondria and fear of death stem from my loss of control over certain things in my life right now. For instance, the negative feelings my parents have towards me due to my recent decisions. Whatever the reason, I'm so tired of living my life in fear. Thankfully, my boyfriend has been really supportive. He reminds me that no matter how lonely I may feel, I am not alone in this. Death is something we will all have to face one day. Given that we all have a limited time here, we should spend it enjoying ourselves instead of worrying about the future.
I spotted this lone tree while driving home recently. I thought it would make a good background for a photo shoot. These lone trees are pretty amazing. Somehow they find a way to grow and flourish despite all the obstacles against them. This gives me hope for my own life. If a tree can find a way then why can't I?
08 Mumford And Sons - Timshel
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Well, it wasn't really the nice, relaxing weekend I had hoped for on Friday. My fear really took over, and I was plagued with terrible thoughts and dreams. As I've mentioned before I've stuggled off and on with hypochondria. It seems to especially flare up during stressful times. Right now, I'm obsessing over a mole that I have had for at least the past 10 years. I've convinced myself it's melanoma that has spread to the rest of my body. I know my thoughts are illogical, but I can't seem to stop thinking them. Thoughts of death follow me everywhere I go. I find myself feeling very detached from society and helplessly alone.
My therapist says my hypochondria and fear of death stem from my loss of control over certain things in my life right now. For instance, the negative feelings my parents have towards me due to my recent decisions. Whatever the reason, I'm so tired of living my life in fear. Thankfully, my boyfriend has been really supportive. He reminds me that no matter how lonely I may feel, I am not alone in this. Death is something we will all have to face one day. Given that we all have a limited time here, we should spend it enjoying ourselves instead of worrying about the future.
I spotted this lone tree while driving home recently. I thought it would make a good background for a photo shoot. These lone trees are pretty amazing. Somehow they find a way to grow and flourish despite all the obstacles against them. This gives me hope for my own life. If a tree can find a way then why can't I?
08 Mumford And Sons - Timshel
Powered by mp3ye.eu
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I can totally relate to your hypochondria and I know how scary and frustrating it is. Mine started right after I had an accident. I was hit head on by a tractor trailor and luckily only suffered a fractured neck and some broken bones. Hang in there and if you ever need to talk you know where to find me!
ReplyDeleteHi Bonnie - I understand your fears. I am sorry that I don't have the words to help you with them. I am a cancer survivor and have learned to live everyday to it's fullest. You probably do not have cancer but I think you should always have a doctor check anything you worry about. Someone very close to my has hypochondria and that is the only to overcome it in a logical way. At least it works for this person..... in the meantime....I am glad you have the support of your BF and do what helps YOU. I love your dress - and it really looks surreal against the "lone" tree! I love everything about these pictures! They really could be in an Anthro or Free People Catalogue! Just gorgeous! I wish you enough!
ReplyDeleteBonnie,
ReplyDeleteI stumbled across your blog a few months ago and since then have regularly awed over your beautiful pictures and amazing wardrobe. I have never commented before, but today's blog really compelled me to post my thoughts as I have been a bystander to your life changes....my heart goes out to you; I can only imagine what you are going through. I am a mother to a young toddler and my heart would be broken to endure all of the family emotions you are going through. However, just remember how very fortunate and privileged you are...I have travelled throughout the world and have seen so much poverty. Remember our problems really are trivial (although it may not seem so) compared to what others go through on a daily basis. Your wardrobe is expansive...I have a six figure income but could never afford to spend as much as you do...just a point, but don't take that the wrong way. My point is to remember and keep perspective on all the blessings that you have and perhaps you may feel some joy in giving (be it through charity, volunteer work, etc.) to others less fortunate. Best of luck to you Bonnie.
The dress looks gorgeous on you! Can I ask how you found the sizing/fit? Thanks.
ReplyDeleteHave you considered that your parents may have a point? I feel like all you're doing is complaining and throwing a pity party for yourself. Oh no my parents don't like me! But think for a second- WHY IS IT SO? yes you know they don't like the decisions that you made, but again, THINK. Why not?
ReplyDeleteAnd don't give me crap about "oh my parents just don't get that I'm happier now". That's a child's argument. You're no longer a child. The least you could do is have a talk with your mom and acknowledging that you do carry some blame might help a little.
Angela: I'm so glad you came out of your accident physically okay. I'm sorry that you are having to deal with hypochondria. It really is a beast that takes all the joy out of life. I will definitely message you if I need to talk.
ReplyDeleteSherry: You have lived through my worst nightmare. I have such respect for you. As always, thanks for your support.
Anon@9:29: You're right, there are so many people that have it so much worse physically than me and I appreciate that. I feel, though, that mental illness can be just as bad if not worse than poverty. It can make your whole world seem dark and not worth living. No amount of food, clothing, etc. can make it better. I don't agree with you that mental illness is trivial. I think it's really hard to understand unless you have suffered from it. Thanks for you comment, and I will try to focus on all my blessings. It's just hard to do through the dark cloud of mental illness. Also, believe or not, I do afford to buy the clothes I get on my income which is not even close to 6 figures. I'm sure it's not cheap for you to travel around the world. I've hardly been out of the state of North Carolina. Clothing is what I choose to spend my extra money on because it makes me happy as I'm sure your traveling makes you happy.
LC: Thanks! I found it to run 2 sizes small. I usually wear a 6 in dresses, but I had to size up to a 10.
Robin: I've owned up to everything I've done and have tried to explain my position to my parents. They have chosen to call me names and stop talking to me. Who is being childish here? It seems to me they are pouting because they didn't get their way. Also, if walking around pretending that I'm happy and in love with my husband when I'm really in love with someone else is being an adult then I prefer to be a child. My only crime is following my heart and being honest to the people in my life. I think we adults could stand to be a little more child-like. I admire that children aren't bound to the social constraints that we adults are.