Reflecting

Dress: The Limited Floral Tank Dress

Shoes: Daniblack

"...and at once I knew I was not magnificent
Strayed above the highway aisle
(jagged vacance, thick with ice)
I could see for miles, miles, miles." - Bon Iver

When I reflect back on my life, I see a life lived to please other people. In the past, I was proud of myself for being what everyone wanted me to be despite what I wanted myself. I thought this was the right way to live. When I went through the anxiety a couple of years ago and thought my life was over, I had sort of a near-death experience. I told myself if I ever felt good again I would start doing some things I wanted to do despite what other people thought. One of those things was this blog. Through writing on this blog, I became more intune with my feelings and what I wanted out of life. I no longer felt proud when I looked in the mirror. I saw a person who was not being true to herself. I decided to make some major life changes, so I could feel proud of myself again. Instead of reflecting on my past, I've tried to look forward to the future.

Here's the rub: my parents are not proud of me anymore. They have told me they are disappointed in me and are barely speaking to me. This is hard to deal with for a person who has spent their whole life trying to please their parents. I've spent most of this morning feeling guilty for the decisions I've made and second guessing myself. However, when I really think about it, they have never really been proud of me. There have been times in my life when I felt like they were proud of me, like when I graduated high school and college and when I had each one of my children, but they've never said, "We're proud of you." They always seemed more focused on pointing out the things I didn't do right. Given the fact that leaving my marriage was the straw the broke the camels back, I find it funny that they didn't seem that proud of me when I got married. In fact, they seemed pretty disinterested in the whole marriage thing. Probably because they were going through their divorce at the time.

I'm not trying to turn this into a "bash my parents" post. I'm sure they've been the best parents they know how to be, but I don't see the point in wasting my energy in trying to please unpleaseable people. I'm pretty easy to please. I will always let my children know that I'm proud of them, and they will always be magnificient in my eyes no matter what decisions they make in life. When they look back on their life, I want them to not only be proud of themselves but know that their mom was just as proud of them too.

On another note, I'm still adjusting to my new life, so I apologize for the sporadic post and lack of response to comments lately. I'm hoping one of these days things will get back to "normal." Whatever that is...