Dress: The Limited Floral Tank Dress
Shoes: Daniblack
"...and at once I knew I was not magnificent
Strayed above the highway aisle
(jagged vacance, thick with ice)
I could see for miles, miles, miles." - Bon Iver
When I reflect back on my life, I see a life lived to please other people. In the past, I was proud of myself for being what everyone wanted me to be despite what I wanted myself. I thought this was the right way to live. When I went through the anxiety a couple of years ago and thought my life was over, I had sort of a near-death experience. I told myself if I ever felt good again I would start doing some things I wanted to do despite what other people thought. One of those things was this blog. Through writing on this blog, I became more intune with my feelings and what I wanted out of life. I no longer felt proud when I looked in the mirror. I saw a person who was not being true to herself. I decided to make some major life changes, so I could feel proud of myself again. Instead of reflecting on my past, I've tried to look forward to the future.
Here's the rub: my parents are not proud of me anymore. They have told me they are disappointed in me and are barely speaking to me. This is hard to deal with for a person who has spent their whole life trying to please their parents. I've spent most of this morning feeling guilty for the decisions I've made and second guessing myself. However, when I really think about it, they have never really been proud of me. There have been times in my life when I felt like they were proud of me, like when I graduated high school and college and when I had each one of my children, but they've never said, "We're proud of you." They always seemed more focused on pointing out the things I didn't do right. Given the fact that leaving my marriage was the straw the broke the camels back, I find it funny that they didn't seem that proud of me when I got married. In fact, they seemed pretty disinterested in the whole marriage thing. Probably because they were going through their divorce at the time.
I'm not trying to turn this into a "bash my parents" post. I'm sure they've been the best parents they know how to be, but I don't see the point in wasting my energy in trying to please unpleaseable people. I'm pretty easy to please. I will always let my children know that I'm proud of them, and they will always be magnificient in my eyes no matter what decisions they make in life. When they look back on their life, I want them to not only be proud of themselves but know that their mom was just as proud of them too.
On another note, I'm still adjusting to my new life, so I apologize for the sporadic post and lack of response to comments lately. I'm hoping one of these days things will get back to "normal." Whatever that is...
Posts
I think your a wonderful, marvelous, glorious person inside and out! Keep up the good work.
ReplyDeleteLove Felicia
Personally (and I don't mean to bash your parents) I think your parents should be ashamed of themselves. You're supposed to love and support your children no matter what, not just when they do what you want them to. And the fact that they're divorced too?!? Talk about hypocrisy.
ReplyDeleteI agree with LC! Why wouldn't a loving parent want only happiness and serenity for their child? Even if that means taking a direction that you don't necessarily understand? You have nothing to apologize for- I think that your parents do...
ReplyDeleteMy advice? Move on. Spend time with people who love you, accept you for who you really are, and support you as you continue to grow into the person you are meant to be. I predict that if you do that, your parents will eventually catch up. Don't give them the satisfaction of seeing how they can hurt you with their judgements and disapproval. Who needs that!?
ReplyDeleteIt looks like all these changes are good for you. Look at your last pictures, you look amazing. And I`m not telling about outfits only but You, your face and eyes.
ReplyDeleteIt may be hard sometimes but it is so important to live your own life, I`m proud of you :)
Whoa! Wait a minute here! Your parents are divorced and they're treating you this way?! That's hilarious. Perhaps they need to be reminded that they themselves are not perfect people and in fact no one lives in a little 50's sitcom world. Maybe they didn't want you to do what they did but this is your life, your journey, your decisions to me, not theirs. Stop groveling to your mother. I'd just tell her "Pot, meet the fucking kettle!" I too have a mother that is never happy no matter what I do. I've gotten to the point where I do what I want and if she doesn't like it, too freaking bad. Eventually she gets over whatever I've done that she disapproves of and we move on. People will control you only as long as you let them.
ReplyDeleteI appreciate your honesty on your Blog. I believe your parents and mine read the same parenting handbook, one that should be burned. I've never heard a I'm proud of you, not even a compliment or strong hug. I've changed my expectations of my parents over this last year and now I'm able to have a decent relationship with boundaries. I've found taking that control back instead of trying to please them at any cost,I have alot more self confidence. I too suffer from anxiety and panic attacks, mine mostly happen while driving. I was on meds for 4 years but have been off of them for 2 while seeing a psychologist who specializes in Panic and anxiety and have never felt better. The Meds were a crutch but without help I wouldn't learn the techniques and coping skills to move forward. BTW I completely believe Meds can be very helpful. Life is a wonderful gift, best wishes on a long and happy one.
ReplyDeletePure, unadulterated narcissism
ReplyDelete