Top and Shorts: Old Navy
Sandals: J. Crew
Earrings: Anthropologie Cloud Cover Earrings
"My heart is a worried thing
Memories have planted seeds of a field I now
Want to reap and sow
I'm on the same side as you
I'm just a little bit behind. " - Cat Power
Life is getting the best of me today. I feel so down. I keep telling myself that tomorow will be a better day, but when you're in it, it is so hard to see the light. It feels like I'm going to feel bad forever. I felt pretty good yesterday. I just don't understand these lows. I guess part of it is I've been having some chronic bladder pain off and on over the past 3 months. I've been treated for a UTI 3 times even though they never find any presence of bacteria. I'm afraid I'm going to have this mysterious pain forever. I have an appointment with a Urologist on Monday. I hope they have some answers for me. I don't even know if the pain is real anymore. It could just be my anxiety. I'm so frustrated!
Of course in the back of my mind I've been thinking that I'm being punished for all the things I've done lately. As I was getting ready for work this morning, my mom, who watches my kids during the day, was playing some sermons on the computer. She didn't speak to me all morning, just played the sermons. They were about immoral behavior and it's consequences. I guess she thinks I deserve whatever pain I'm going through.
My heart tells me I've done nothing wrong, but my head tells me otherwise. My head tells me that I deserve to suffer chronic pain the rest of my life. My head also tells me that it could be cancer, and I will die a slow, horrible death and no one will care because I deserve it. I know these thoughts are irrational, but I can't stop my brain from thinking them. These thoughts are what kick the fear into high gear again and make my world so dark.
I made the choice to follow my heart, and now I'm having to reap the seeds I sowed. Nobody said it was going to be easy. There are going to be really bad days, but there have been really good days too. Given time, I'm hoping I'll be reaping far more good days than bad.
Cat Power - WilliePowered by mp3skull.com
Posts
Ah, I'm sorry you're having a rough day today. I'm sure many of us feel invested in your struggle after reading your candid posts!
ReplyDeleteIn blog-related thoughts, I love how you connect the setting of your pictures/name of your anthro items to the theme of your post for the day. Also, this shirt is beautiful...
You have commented that your parents are currently a negative force in your life since they are not supportive of you and, in fact, they make their disapproval very apparent and hurtful. It may be best to get some distance from them, at least for the time being. Reading that your mom watches your kids, I get the impression that your dependency on her for this service allows her too much say and power over you. It's hard to tell her to butt out of your life/business when you rely on her. She is taking advantage of the situation and using guilt and other punishments to force you to comply with her wishes. You really need to break this cycle. If you want independence then you need to find other daycare arrangements. I think the next step in obtaining freedom from your family's negativity towards you (and in becoming the authentic you) is becoming independent of their help and their influence.
ReplyDeleteJennifer
My dad was diagnosed with cancer earlier this month. It isn't something that happens because as a form of revenge...and any sermons that say that it is? Not about the kind of God that I was told was out there. Be gentle with yourself, lovely.
ReplyDeleteOn a lighter note, your photos are beauuuuutiful today!
What you wrote about your bladder sounds a lot like interstitial cystitis--check that out, and ask your urologist to look for it. If you have it, I strongly recommend an anti candida diet for yeast overgrowth. There is strong link between the two and I know a lot of women who've gotten better by treating the yeast overgrowth. Whatever the case, I hope you feel better physically and emotionally.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Jennifer. You should not be punished for trying to be a better person. Perhaps it's time to re-allocate whatever money you have into getting day care for your children, and shutting your parents out. Don't be dependent.
ReplyDeleteYou need a vacation. When was the last time you went on one? Not talking driving to DC, but going somewhere unfamiliar. Might do wonders to revive your soul. Have you ever been out of the country? The Caribbean would be great since you are so close to the islands.
ReplyDeleteUgh. I'm so sorry you're going through this. I'm a serious lurker and have been following your blog for a while. I was re-reading your past entries yesterday, and I have to say I was a little bothered. Not by you, but by your parents. I know quite a few people whose parents cannot see the bright, shining light that is their children and it makes me so sad. You know what, I'm proud of you for standing up for yourself and for what your heart says you need. Sure you could have done the easy thing and stayed, but you would have eventually been miserable enough that it would have affected everyone. Believe me, I know. I too married young (at 20) and left my husband after 5 years of marriage. Thankfully, we didn't have the added difficulties of having kids together, but it didn't make it any easier. I hope your parents come around, but in the meanwhile know that there are people out there, people you don't even know, who believe in you and are proud of you for doing the hard thing.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Jennifer- these negative passive-aggressive actions by your mom are not helping. I don't know if it's the right time to confront her necessarily, but if there's any way at all to reduce the impact of these naysayers...
ReplyDeleteYour photoshoots are as lovely as ever- I hope you find some similar small things to find joy in!
Bonnie I appreciate the honesty you give us on this blog, you seem like a wonderful person going through an incredibly difficult time in your life. Please keep your head up, remember how amazing you are and that when you get through this life will be easier again.
ReplyDeleteAbout the chronic pain in your bladder, I'm no doctor but I do have a condition called interstitial cystitis. It's chronic bladder pain caused by ulcers in your bladder. I went through alot of pain before I was diagnosed with this and knowing what I have and how to treat it has made my life much better.
Okay- a little straight talk..
ReplyDeleteI also think your bladder pain could be interstitial cystitis. An uncomfortable and persistent problem- but it is treatable. More importantly... You will not be "struck down" or made sick as punishment for your life decisions. However, it is truly possible to make yourself physically ill with stress, guilt and anxiety. You have to seize control of your destiny- and most urgently, your self esteem and serenity. If you can get to a place of self-acceptance the mental and physical pain will go away and you can enjoy the great life in front of you!
Your mother is being selfish and stubborn. What does she think? That because she plays sermons you will magically go back to your husband and everything will be wonderful again? I wonder what she can be thinking! I think you need to make it 100% clear that you have made a choice and you are sticking to it no matter what she says or does. Be firm.
ReplyDeleteYes, you can get so stressed out that it causes physical pain. I've been there! You just HAVE to keep reminding yourself that the pain and stress won't last forever. It WILL get better. Be nice to yourself! See the doctor and just take it easy. When your mom starts her crap just smile and remove yourself from the room or change the subject...Patience and Persistence!
Your mother is scared for you. She is afraid you are going to hell as that is what she has been taught. Tell her you know she feels this way and be very honest about why you disagree, and that you do not want this to ruin your relationship with her. Remind her of any family or friends that she is close to and still loves that are divorced. Anyone can see that your blog has been much more positive since your change than it was before. The exceptions being this prayerfully minor health issue and her and your father. God nor the Universe is punishing you...it is they that are holding you back. Be straight and honest but also loving as victory would be unity because we know a divided house cannot stand.
ReplyDeleteAs for the UTI thingy...good luck, but tell the MD about ALL the changes in your life the last 3 months.