Grey Gardens

"Oh look at how she listens
She says nothing of what she thinks.
She just goes stumbling through her memories
Staring out onto Grey Street.
She thinks, 'Hey, how did I come to this?
I dream myself a thousand times around the world
But I can't get out of this place.'
There's an emptiness inside her
And she'd do anything to fill it in
But all the colors mix together--to grey
And it breaks her heart
How she wishes it was different."
- Dave Matthews Band

I've been in a very reflective mood today. I think I'm in mourning for my past life. I think of things I used to do like go to the grocery store every Sunday with my mom and daughter, and I get very sad. I feel an emptiness in my heart. Don't get me wrong, I'm extremely happy in my new life, but I still miss things. I think these feelings come with any kind of change. If I'm being honest, I also have to say I miss being able to spend money freely. I love pretty things, and it's a big change not being able to buy them as much as I used to. I know that it's not healthy to crave these things so much. I'm aware that they are a temporary solution to a bigger problem. It hasn't been as big of a problem as I thought it would. I think that's due to my happiness with my decision to follow my heart, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't getting into all the hype being generated over this sale at Anthro tomorrow.

I've been thinking alot lately about "the Edie's" from "Grey Gardens" and about how they must have had some of the same feelings about their past. To have lived such a lavish lifestyle and then be reduced to living conditions not fit for animals. Talk about change. I really loved this summary of the documentary:

"Its haunting subtext is this: the truth is best presented through metaphor. The Beales are themselves, born into a particular class at a particular time. But they are also the selves they’ve created: a singer, a dancer, whose florid self-presentation cannot be eclipsed by hard times, bad times—so-called real life. Certainly the Maysles are interested in recording the Beales’ very real life—the ruined house crawling with cats and fleas, the paper bird in the rusty gilded cage, the mother and daughter quarrelling—but those are the film’s most superficial elements. What draws the viewer in are the stories around what we cannot see: Miss Beale lamenting the loss of a scarf. The suitors turned away. Mrs. Beale’s infatuation with a man whose minor musical talent is better remembered than heard. Money spent. The dream of New York on summer nights filled with jackhammers and the moon. Regrets and recriminations: the language of lovers, the fabric of family life. The Maysles’ interest in the ephemeral, the passing of time in a sea of leaves, tells us that masks are all we have; people would not know who they are or what to say without them. Time is cruel, but we can overcome it a bit by insisting on self-expression (at any cost, since it generally does cost something: a conventional life and the conventional wisdom that goes with it)."

Given this, it was such a coincidence that my friend and I stumbled upon this house during a drive in the country. It was isolated and abandoned, but beautiful. Trying to get these photos was a little like a metaphor for my life right now. There were spiders crawling on me, a snake winded across my path, and the weather kept alternating between bright sun and rain. However, no matter what obstacles were in my way, I had my moment to reflect on them (freak out), but I quickly regained my composure and carried on.

Dave Matthews Band - Grey Street

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Dress: Anthropologie Sail Shapes Dress

Sweater: Old Navy

Shoes: Daniblack

Ring: The Limited

Earrings: AE



  1. I love this DMB song! Love the pictures. You've never looked better.

  2. You look so awesome! You have such gorgeous eyes!

  3. If you want to go shopping, you should just ask your new boyfriend for money. It's the least he can do for you considering you have destroyed the lives of your husband, three children and parents for him...but at least you're still concerned with going and taking pictures of yourself parading around town in clothes. Glad to know you still have your priorities.

  4. Josie: Thanks! I love the that song as well.

    Chrissy: Thank you! So nice of you to say!

    Anon @ 8:44: I don't need your advice on how to go shopping or how to live my life. I guess the "right thing to do" would have been to stay with a man I don't love. That way there would be no destruction. I should have continued on living a lie for the sake of everyone's convenience except my own. I'm not a martyr nor do I wish to be. My life is not over because I'm separated. So, yes, I will continue to "'parade" around town for all to see. I'm happy and I will shout it from the rooftops if I so wish. If you don't like the parade, don't watch.

  5. I wish you all the best, but remember love is not a feeling. Love is a commitment.

  6. Im enjoying the parade. Im so glad to see that youre being strong and true to yourself. You are a very beautiful woman!

  7. Hang in there! You have a lot of beautiful things in your closet, it seems. Try remixes maybe. Who needs the anthro sale, right?

    I hope your mom is coming around. Is she reading your blog?


  9. Don't even read all of these rude comments. Stay strong, follow your heart. You are a beautiful young woman and deserve happiness.

  10. Wow, anon @ 8:44, you're a nasty, spiteful one. Try a little tact. Then your opinion might matter.

    Bonnie, you are a stunner! I love this background with this outfit. Just beautiful. And you're very right - shopping is often a temporary fix to a very deep wound. It's best to mend the actual wound instead of putting layer upon layer of clothing on top! Clothes can't heal you, but taking charge of your situation can.

  11. missy: Sorry, but I believe love is a very powerful feeling that is beyond our control not a contract between two people that says they will stay together no matter what. We will have to agree to disagree.

    Kerri: Glad somebody is enjoying it.

    Anon @ 4:56: Yeah, who needs a Anthro sale! Maybe if I keep yelling that mantra, it will sink in. LOL! I'm not sure if my mom reads my blog or not. I don't think so, but who knows? She could be one of these bitter anon commenters. They sound alot like her.

    Anon @6:23: At least I own up to my delusions. I have no respect for someone who attacks someone while remaining anonymous. I may be delusional, but you are a coward.

    Anon @6:46: Thank you for the kind and supportive words.

  12. I broke down and bought the taupe tied booties. So much for "who needs and anthro sale!" I'm hoping I hate them when they arrive. I've been coveting them for months now though. 50% off! Good luck resisting the sale! Have you used your birthday discount yet? That would be burning a hole in my pocket, particularly on a sale day!

  13. "missy: Sorry, but I believe love is a very powerful feeling that is beyond our control not a contract between two people that says they will stay together no matter what. We will have to agree to disagree."

    It's not an either or situation. Love is about commitment (not a contract) because those intense feelings will never last, and aren't intended to...

  14. Wowza! Those photos are gorgeous!


    Please think about deleting mean comments. They add nothing and I for one would enjoy not seeing them.

    If I was feeling mean I'd note that I guess these commentators don't love their mothers if they can imagine prefering that their mothers spend decades unhappy for their convenience. (No doubt so that your daughter can then be unhappy from 26-100 - who cares about happiness? We should just produce more and more unhappy people.) Or perhapse that your parents failed you when they didn't help you see that marrying young just because it seemed like the thing to do was not the right decision - after all kids act the way their parents taught them to. Maybe that's why your parents are taking it so hard now.

    And for heaven's sake please commentators, stop making pronouncements on what all people feel. I've never felt intense butterflies but for me Love is still a feeling thank you, and no it's not one that has ever faded. We're all different and not everyone feels the same way. My emotional capabilities and life is different from yours is different from Bonnies, why anyone would comment on it uninvited is beyond me.


  15. Bonnie-- I wish all the best to you during your time of transition. I think being in a relationship where you're co-existing in an unloving marriage is the loneliest place a woman can be. Obviously in an ideal world we'd be able to work through our troubles with our spouse, fall madly in love again, and save the children from pain. But the world is not ideal and sometimes love is finite. I imagine the roller coaster of pain that you must be going through right now-- trying to get on your feet in a new apartment and financially, help your children understand their new lives, healing your heart after a painful split, missing your parents.... It blows my mind how judgmental we can be toward one another and it's just not right. I wish you the best and enjoy your posts!

  16. Bonnie, please be careful airing out your personal life on this blog. I've been thru a divorce and that should remain between you and your husband. It's not for everyone's elses ears.


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