"What if all my enemies were dead and I could forget everything they said. Could I be then who I really am?" - Menomena
Well, it's been a hell of a day. It seems like my usually boring life has been a dramafest lately. I really don't handle this kind of stuff well. I'm feeling the anxiety creeping back in again. If I could think of one word to describe today it would be "hate." As I start to type all this, I'm scared that I'm going to offend someone. I'm thinking, "What if someone thinks my song lyric quote means that I want to kill all of my enemies." "What if I get some more negative comments." "What if, What if..." This is just crazy. I feel like I have to be scared to express myself. I'm not going to be bullied anymore. This is my blog, and I will say what I want to on it and if you don't like it then don't read it. Simple as that.
Where is all this coming from? I would love to tell you all the whole story, but then I would be accused of stirring up drama, so I'm choosing to keep the details to myself. Of course, now I'll be accused of not telling the whole story. I can't win! So, I'm just going to express how I feel and if someone finds fault in that then so be it. I can't type a shinny, happy post when I'm not feeling very shinny and happy!
I've been through alot of personal stuff the past month. Add to that being called nasty names and having my character attacked, and I'm in a pretty low state right now. It hurts. To top it all off, my dad called me tonight and vented about alot of negative family stuff. All I could do is sit there and listen to it as he ranted, raved, and cussed up a storm. I'm so tired of all the hate and negativity!
I've spent most of my life living inside my head. When I was little, I would play with my toys in the closet by myself. My mom says she thought I was weird. LOL! I had a few friends, but I was really shy, so I was more of a loner. In college, I lived at home and commuted to school for 3 out of my 4 years. I had a 3.99 GPA (one B in Finance - still no good at finances LOL!), so I spent most of my time studying. I think I went out to the clubs like 3 times. After studying, I spent most nights watching Star Wars, playing Tomb Raider, and chatting with my guy friend on ICQ. I've had very few meaningful relationships with girls. I've always gotten along better with guys for some reason. Anyway, the point is I spent most of my life being a shy introvert who didn't ever say what was on my mind.
After my experience with anxiety and panic attacks, I decided that I wanted to live my life differently. I wanted to be more social and go out more. I wanted to express myself, and have meaningful relationships with girls. So, that's what I started doing, and it has changed me. I'm starting to figure out who I am as a person and what I want out of life. I've started opening up more, but now, I realize by doing that I open myself up for criticism. Now I'm feeling like I need to go back to the way I was before. At least then, I didn't step on anybody's toes. I wasn't on anybody's radar.
Man, this life thing is pretty hard to navigate. I'm feeling pretty lost right now. It seems like the things that I have brought me the most joy have also brought me the most pain. Obviously, this excludes my kids. They are one constant joy in my life. I love them, and I'm so proud of them! My boys got their report cards today, and they are both doing so well!
Anyway, it's getting late. I had to stop and rock my little girl to sleep, so I've kinda lost my train of thought now. I just want to thank you guys for sticking with me through all this drama. My life is not usually like this. Hopefully, I'll be back to "normal" posting after tonight. I just have to write what I feel and this is what I'm feeling right now. I did take some outfit pictures today, so I'm going to post those.
The song of the day is "My My" by Menomena. The lyrics in this song just seemed appropriate, and no, I'm not thinking about killing all my enemies! LOL! Just wondering what it would be like if I didn't have any. Have a good night!
Top: Anthropologie Rippled Ridge Henley
Sweater: J Crew Jackie Cardigan
Skirt: Anthropologie Field Skirt
Belt: Anthropologie Looping Lanes Belt
Necklace: Anthropologie Artist's Imagination Necklace
Tights: Gap Cable Knit Tights
Shoes: Frye Paige Tall Riding Boots
Posts
I heart this necklace and was planning on wearing this skirt tomorrow since the weather is supposed to be nice!!
ReplyDeleteI hope that things get better and that finding beauty in the small things can bring your heart content.
Hi Bonnie... First - the Field Skirt in Gold.... I didn't purchase it when I had the chance and I am STILL kicking myself... I need to find a way to get it and I hear it is going on sale at midnight PST. You look so cute..
ReplyDeleteNow Second - I can feel your pain in some personal ways that I won't go into here. Bottom line - mean people are probably jealous of you in some way. Don't listen and move on. I don't take my own advice and struggle with panic attacks. I used to be against medication but it really works. Also, there are some things you can do to help you relax without meds. I will send you separate email.
Hang in there! Just think of your enemies as those that are refining you and squeezing you into a fine diamond. Hugs! xoxo
I'm still having nightmares about something that happened to me 4 months ago. It was a serious and unwarranted (and might I add untrue) attack on my character and it's been hard moving on. I think I understand how you feel. I definitely understand the panic and anxiety attacks. It's completely changed who I am as a person. I was a shy introvert growing up as well. All the best to you Bonnie.
ReplyDeleteBonnie stay strong, you are honest and authentic, and that's to be admired. Your BLOG is a Very Good One! Stay True Brush it all Off....Brooke Burke just wrote a book The Naked Mother, about all we go through as women and mothers, it might be a timely read.....Be Well .....Sabrina
ReplyDeleteBonnie, I love the color choices today, I just ordered the Field skirt in Khaki and now I want the gold one too.
ReplyDeleteStay strong, keep your head up! You have lots of fans on her to support you :)
Feel better, Bonnie! By the way, did you get your Frye boots back? Is the strap fixed?
ReplyDeleteHey - that reminds me of that joke about the 98-year-old woman who is asked to stand up in church and tell how she has managed to have no enemies whatsoever, despite her lengthy life. "I outlived the bitches!" she croaks. HAHAHAH! They say, living well is the best revenge...maybe that, and living the longest! LOL
ReplyDeleteIt's like dancing. Toes are stepped on. Your dancing with a lot of partners here. Some toes have taken miss steps. Often these same toes are sensitive. What's the alternative? Stop dancing? I think not!
ReplyDeleteDon't worry about the haters. Easier said than done, I know. If they don't like you or what you say, than they can go elsewhere. Be yourself, say and do what you feel. You have a great blog and I'd for you to feel like you have to change or censor yourself. I always look forward to reading your blog. Wishing you all the best!
ReplyDeleteOh, and I have major lust for that necklace! Why oh why didn't I buy that when I had the chance??? :-D
Kristin Szalay
I think that the things that bring you the most joy are supposed to come with an equal dose of pain. It's the world's way of keeping things in balance. Nobody can hurt me quite like my family can. BUT nobody can make me as happy as they can either. For me, this includes my kids. They can hurt me without even trying. Knowing my daughter's struggles breaks my heart in ways I can't even describe. Knowing that this is just the beginning makes it worse. Every time she cries over mean people, I feel an actual pain in my chest.
ReplyDeleteI will say to you what I say to her, knowing full well that it will probably help you as little as it helps her but I have to try: When people call you names, attack you in a social setting, treat you badly, or bully you in general; it says a lot more about that person than it does about you. Know in your heart that you are beautiful and loved and let the haters do what they do best: hate. You have a lot of love and beauty in you. Don't let them touch that. It's like Eleanor Roosevelt said: "Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent." It's okay to feel bad and hurt, but never let them make you feel like "<". Especially since you are really ">".
Dea: I can't wait to see how you style this skirt tomorrow. I read your post about finding happiness in the little things. It was great advice! I will do my best to practice it!
ReplyDeleteSherry: I really hope you can get one! Thanks for the email! It means alot!
Tracy D: Sorry that you had to go through that! We have so much in common! I'm so glad we found each other through this blog!
Sabrina: Your comments are always so sweet! Thanks for the book recommendation!
Lan: Thanks for the support!
Anon@11:20: Thanks! Yes, I did. I got them back last Friday. I forgot to post that. This is my first time wearing them. It only cost $8 to fix them!
Tracy: You are too funny! Thanks for making me laugh! I needed it!
Anon@4:39: Great analogy! Spoken like a true visual thinker. ;-)
Kristin: You were finally able to post on my blog! LOL! Thanks for the kind words! Maybe you can find the necklace on Ebay.
Ady: You always have the best advice! To be so young, you have such a wise, old soul. I know that you have obtained it the hard way. I admire you so much for that. Thanks for always making me feel better!
Hi Bonnie,
ReplyDeleteI have been floored lately by all the cruel and unnecessary attacks currently happening. I thought you might find the blog post I have linked here interesting. It is a blog I regularly read and lately she has tackled some tough topic like bullying and the meanness that happens online. I have posted her button on my own blog, although I have to say my photography blog does not seem to invite the nasty comments like the fashion blogs do, but I think this is something we need to see more of in the community, respect for each other not nasty anonymous comments. After all we are all only human.
http://www.ordinarycourage.com/my-blog/2011/1/27/free-range-social-media.html#comments
Ah, Bonnie. I hope you get some peace and quiet from the drama soon! I don't know if it is from the blog and I do know that most often Anon comments are just as sweet as the others, but have you considered not allowing Anon comments? If commenters had to "own" their words, they might be less likely to be dramatic or hateful or mean. Until a few months ago I didn't read blogs and when I started I didn't realize I could subscribe or track on Google reader so I always commented anonymously but signed my first name. I think most of the blogs at least require an email address. Anyway, just an idea. I hope your day today got better.
ReplyDeleteGreat outfit.
ReplyDeleteJust want to comment on you saying that you've not had a lot of female friends, or can't relate as well to girls. I used to say the same thing, and then something switched. I now value my female friends above almost everything. Hope that happens for you since it has been very rewarding for me. I can be real with my ladies in a way that I can't be with my boys.
xo! (also, check out some Northwest indie bands like Lake, Curious Mystery, Diminished Men, Tender Forever, and Karl Blau. I work for a Northwest music festival in Seattle. ;-)
I wore almost the EXACT same outfit a few weeks ago. Love it! I'm sorry to hear you're going through such a rough time, but I know you'll get through it. Just try to stay positive :)
ReplyDeleteBonnie, sorry to hear about all the drama and personal attacks that you've been going through lately! For what it's worth, I love your blog and how genuine and unpretentious you are in your posts (and of course, your gorgeous photography and fashion and awesome music choices!). It's easier said than done, but I hope you do what makes you happy and not worry about what others think - honestly, life is too short to really care about that sh#&t! Hope you feel better!
ReplyDeleteDeanna: Me too! Thanks for the link!
ReplyDeleteSt Germain: Thanks for the suggestion! For now, I'm going to leave this blog completely open. If it ever gets out of hand, I would consider doing that. For now, I'm just going to try to develop a thicker skin.
Kristina: I have developed some good friendships with girls over the past couple of years. I get along great with the 2 girls I work with. We hang out together outside of work. Thanks for the band suggestions! I will definitely check them out! How cool are you!?! I wish I could work for a music festival!
Meghan: That's so cool! I love teal and yellow together! Thanks for the support!
Jen: Thanks for your kind words! I'm going to try to not let it bother me.