Tank: Anthropologie Gilga Tank
Pants: Hue Denim Leggings in Royal Blue
Boots: Frye Paige Tall Riding Boots
Earrings: Anthropologie
"Here's to the winners of the human race. Here's to the losers in the game...Here's to you my love. Let the day begin." - Black Rebel Motorcycle Club
I'm struggling with life lately. Yeah, I know, I'm always struggling with life, but now more so than ever. I'm getting ready to turn 36, so maybe it's a mid-life thing. Clearly, the middle is never a good place to be. In movies, like The Empire Strikes Back, the middle act is always the one where all the bad shit goes down and everything is left unresolved. In families, the middle child is usually the one with all the "issues." Although, I'm not the middle child. I'm the baby, but let me tell you, I got plenty of issues.
There is one issue in particular that has gotten worse lately, and I'm really scared to talk about it on here. I know with all the personal content I share that it's probably hard to believe that I ever hold anything back, but I do. Even I have my deep, dark secrets, and yes, I'm even more fucked up than you know. However, I feel now is the time to let this particular skeleton out of the closet because its really starting to impact my life in negative ways. I'm hoping writing about it and getting it out here will be the first step in a new direction.
So, now that I've got you all salivating over what this deep, dark secret could be, I'll just throw it out there. I'm sure it's not as juicy as most of you are imagining, and it will probably just cause the rest of you to hate me even more, but here goes nothing... I'm habitually late and have been for all of my adult life.
It started pretty much my first day of college. My parents no longer kept tabs on my comings and goings, and I was suddenly in charge of my own destiny. Due to my OCD, I had always had a hard time leaving the house in the mornings, but college made this 10 times worse. I went from a private high school with 200 students to a public college campus of thousands. To say I was scared and intimidated is an understatement. I must have changed outfits 20 times that first morning, and the mornings after that didn't get much better. Due to the anxiety of leaving my house, I was between 5 to 15 minutes late to my first class my entire 4 years of college. Miraculously, no professor ever said anything to me about it. Maybe it was because I usually had one of the highest grades in the class. I'm not sure, but I got away with it without much grief other than the hell I put myself through every morning.
Once I graduated college and started my professional career, things didn't change much. I had several jobs while living in Durham and was late to them all, but no one ever reprimanded me. Eventually, I got married, quit working, and moved back to my hometown to have a baby. Once I entered the work force again (at my current job), I did really good for awhile and made it in by 8am every morning. Unfortunately, anxiety and OCD started plaguing me again, and I fell back into my old ways. Before I knew it, I was coming in at 8:30am and then 8:30am turned into 9am.
I've been a good employee other than the tardiness issue, so luckily for me my employer has been understanding and flexible with my schedule. I feel VERY fortunate. However, I've always wanted to come in earlier, not just for my employer but for myself. I feel so much better on those rare mornings when I do come in early. Somehow, though, I always end up self-sabotaging myself.
Strangely, I'm usually not late to anything else other than work. In fact, I'm never late for anything when it comes to my kids. I do whatever is necessary to get my ass out of the house if I know other people are counting on me. It's the every day monotonous things that get me.
I think the biggest culprit is what I like to call my "early morning ritual." There are certain tasks I must do every day before I can leave the house. These tasks take me around 2 hours to do on a typical day, but have been known to take longer if I'm in a particularly anxious mood. The days that I'm actually on time are due to the fact that I just get up earlier to do these tasks. My problem lately, however, is that I've been having a hard time getting up at all. I don't exactly know what's changed to bring this about. Like I said, maybe its the mid-life thing. Maybe I'm just old and tired and the thought of having to get up and preform the ritual is just too daunting now.
This brings us to my current situation. Lately, I've been going into work around 10, but I'm not gonna lie, there have been some days when I haven't gotten in until noon. I end up working really late hours those days or working on the weekends to make up the time. Even then, I don't make all my hours up, so my pay check is much less. Basically, I feel like shit about myself, my weekends and nights are ruined, and I'm making less money. I'm stuck in a vicious cycle, and I know that somehow I've got to claw my way out.
I'm sure some of you will feel the need to judge me. People who are late are usually considered rude and self-centered. Maybe I am those things. I don't know. I do know that my life would be much easier if I wasn't this way. I wish I could just "snap out of it," "grow up," or "pull myself up by my bootstraps," but unfortunately it's more complicated than that. Life seems so simple for some people, but it has always been anything but for me. However, I'm determined to find my way out of this. Here's hoping that one day I will welcome the early morning light, instead of basking in the noonglow.
*This post dedicated to all my former classmates, past and present co-workers, and anyone else who has ever wondered, "What's up with that bitch's schedule?" Now you know.
Posts
I've been trying to get up earlier (like, two hours earlier than my usual wake-up) so I have time to exercise in the morning. The most important change I've made to do this is that I force myself to be in bed by a certain time. It may be a process of trial and error for you to figure out what time you need to put yourself to sleep, but getting as close to 8-9 hours of sleep a night as you can will make it MUCH easier to wake up early.
ReplyDeleteIt's hard for me to do this on nights I work late, but setting an early bedtime as a goal has definitely helped me get better about waking up in the morning.
wow...if you find a support group for this, let me know, because you just described the horrible way I live. The worst is, people that do think it's selfish, lazy, etc probably think they wish they had the 'extra time' every day that lateness provides...but it's the opposite. It's crippling and overwhelming and makes me ashamed. Let's try and find a way out, Bonnie :) I think the biggest clue for me is - I'm never late or unmotivated when I'm helping someone else - so maybe I think I'M not worth the effort? Hmm. Or my favourite possible reason (or excuse, some will say) is that when I'm throwing myself into anything I enjoy - whether planning a party or mucking out the barn, I'm there on time, overtime, all the time. Maybe it's the job that needs to change, not us?
ReplyDeleteThis can be fixed! Why don't you arrange it so that, say, on Friday you come in at noon and the rest of the time you try to get yourself there on time. That way you have one day a week to do your thing. Or you could make a nightly check list and try to get the things that you usually do in the morning done before you go to sleep. You'll feel better and less anxious when you wake up and know that you don't have to do a million things and it will help you get moving earlier.
ReplyDeletePS - I'm the same way. When I was working outside my house I couldn't get to work on time if they paid me double to do it.
I think it's just habit, Bonnie. Just set an alarm and think to yourself, "I HAVE to get up by x time." Just make it one of those non-negotiables in your life. Once you get into a routine and a habit of doing that for a few weeks, it won't be so much of an issue. I think the same can be said for exercise. It's habit. What time are you going to bed at night? Maybe try going to bed a little earlier. Don't you and Jerry work together? Maybe go in at the same time. What time does he get to work?
ReplyDeleteYou'll get back into the morning groove. You just may have a tough few weeks getting used to it.
I dunno, Bonnie. Most of my obsessive-compulsive friends are always on time. On the button or even early arrivers. That's part of their compulsive nature. They *can't* be late and are very unforgiving of people who are. My guess would be that you should be considering your habitual tardiness as more a symptom of something else other than OCD. Social anxiety, perhaps? "I must look perfect"? "I must hide every flaw...I can't be seen like this."? "I don't really want to go out into the mean old world"? One or more of these? Some other(s) perhaps?
ReplyDeleteI feel ya. When I started working it was only part-time. I could NEVER manage to get to work on time, but luckily my job performance outshined my tardiness. I often wondered what the hell was wrong with me that I just couldn’t seem to get there on time. And I just knew that I would eventually be fired because someone would eventually get sick of me being late… always. I had my work schedule changed numerous times… Something in me changed once I got pregnant. I was able to get to work early. With more energy and more motivation –where as before, it wasn’t laziness, just lack of motivation – both physical and mental. In hindsight, being it’s 20/20, I can say with 99% certainty, it was the change in my diet that made the difference. I can only say this now because I’ve recently been doing an elimination diet –and while I basically went through the same thing while pregnant (just not to such a strict degree) I was cutting out things that were no good for me. Foods and things that were effecting my body in ways I was unable to realize. I have no idea what your eating habits are like, and this all sounds very stupid as I type and I can only speak from my own experience –but, if you’re struggling, it may be something to look in to. It helps, too, to know that you’re not alone. Someone out there is going through the same/similar shit you’re going through – that helps me, at least. I’ve tried medications, I’ve tried self-medicating and I’ve gotten to the point where I just wanted to throw my hands in the air and say, “fuck it.” But, we can’t do that. We’ve got lives to live and children to raise and if it wasn’t for my kid, well, let’s just say – some days are bad. I often wonder too, how life seems so simple for others – and my husband and I always have the conversation about just being deeper and more affected than the regular Joe. Hell, it’s easy for someone to say, “Set your alarm for 5:30 am. Get up. Get dressed. Get your shit together. Get to work on time.” Sounds good in theory – but if you have OCD and anxiety, well…you know that it’s just not that damn simple. I guess the point I’m trying to make is, if you’ve tried everything else – give this a shot. I notice that having eliminated certain foods have eased my anxiety, my moods are more streamlined, I feel more energy and less lack of motivation. I don’t feel as heavy (literal and figuratively…) and, I’m not currently taking any meds. Just a thought, albeit a long one :)
ReplyDeleteI am always early as being late makes me super anxious. I hate it when I open the door and every head swings my way. I do really love your outfit in this post. All your leggings look like jeans in the pictures, do they translate as jeans in real life or are they legging like?
ReplyDeleteI can totally relate with my OCD... but I can never allow myself to be LATE... Ever! If I have to be somewhere by 8am, I usually wake up every half hour starting around 4am and just keep checking the clock to see if I will be late. Then, I am generally 20-30 minutes early to every single event or job/meeting I need to be at. I do spend lots of time checking my clock and waiting in my car until it is actually the right time to arrive. (Sometimes I am embarrassed by my early arrivals...) :-( So I understand the frustration...
ReplyDeleteI am the exact same way. I don't have OCD with rituals really, but my anxiety and depression keep me from acting normal a lot of the time. I hate it.
ReplyDeleteYeah, I'm down with this assessment. It is more of a social anxiety thing, but I refer to OCD because sometimes I get hung up picking at a neck hair for 30 minutes or obsessively cleaning my teeth and that's what makes me late.
ReplyDeleteWow, I've never thought of it from the other end of the spectrum. I always thought being early was a good thing. It kind of reminds me of how some hypochondriacs go to the doctor constantly and others avoid the doctor all together. We all have different reactions to stress.
ReplyDeleteUh, I HATE when every head swings my way too, but I guess my fear of not performing the ritual outweighs my hate of that.
ReplyDeleteI would say the jeggings are more like leggings on me. The butt area looks like jeans because it has real pockets, so I don't have any problem showing my butt in them. However, the pockets in the front are faux ones and the crotch gives me a bit of camel toe, so I don't feel comfortable exposing that area. I will say, though, I have a super fit co-worker who wears them with normal length tops, and they look fine of her. So, I guess it just depends on the person.
Thanks for the suggestions, Catherine!
ReplyDeleteI've been early the past 2 days, so I hope you're right, and I get in a groove and keep it up.
Great suggestions! Thanks, Katie!
ReplyDeleteWow, I would have never guessed you were like this too. Must be a laid back hippie thing. ;-)
ReplyDeleteHell yes to the "thinking I'm not worth it!" I will bend over backwards if it effects someone else, but I could give a shit if it causes me grief. And a big hell yes to the job needs to change bit. If I was independently wealthy, I would stay home in my PJ's everyday and write to my hearts content on my computer. I HATE working in an office. It just sucks the life out of you a little every day. Gotta pay the bills, though.
Thanks for sharing what has worked for you! This totally makes sense. Now, if I can just force myself to go to bed early...
ReplyDeleteYeah, seriously. That part is the hardest. :)
ReplyDeleteI feel ya. When I started working I was only part-time. I could NEVER manage to get to work
ReplyDeleteon time, but luckily my job performance outshined my tardiness. I often
wondered what the hell was wrong with me that I just couldn’t seem to get there
on time. And I just knew that I would eventually be fired because someone would
eventually get sick of me being late… always. I had my work schedule changed
numerous times… Something in me changed once I got pregnant. I was able to get
to work early. With more energy and more motivation –where as before, it wasn’t
laziness, just lack of motivation – both physical and mental. In hindsight, being
it’s 20/20, I can say with 99% certainty, it was the change in my diet that
made the difference. I can only say this now because I’ve recently been doing
an elimination diet –and while I basically went through the same thing while
pregnant (just not to such a strict degree) I was cutting out things that were
no good for me. Foods and things that were effecting my body in ways I was
unable to realize. I have no idea what your eating habits are like, and this
all sounds very stupid as I type and I can only speak from my own experience
–but, if you’re struggling, it may be something to look in to. It helps, too,
to know that you’re not alone. Someone out there is going through the
same/similar shit you’re going through – that helps me, at least. I’ve tried medications,
I’ve tried self-medicating and I’ve gotten to the point where I just wanted to
throw my hands in the air and say, “fuck it.” But, we can’t do that. We’ve got
lives to live and children to raise and if it wasn’t for my kid, well, let’s
just say – some days are bad. I often wonder too, how life seems so simple for
others – and my husband and I always have the conversation about just being
deeper and more affected than the regular Joe. Hell, it’s easy for someone to
say, “Set your alarm for 5:30 am. Get up. Get dressed. Get your shit together.
Get to work on time.” Sounds good in theory – but if you have OCD and anxiety,
well…you know that it’s just not that damn simple. I guess the point I’m trying
to make is, if you’ve tried everything else – give this a shot. I notice that
having eliminated certain foods have eased my anxiety, my moods are more
streamlined, I feel more energy and less lack of motivation. I don’t feel as
heavy (literal and figuratively…) and, I’m not currently taking any meds. Just
a thought, albeit a long one :)
Yup, yup, yup - in fact, I recently got myself to finish a monstrous item on my To Do list, only by pretending I was doing it for my brother, and finally summoned up the motivation to get it done. Hm. I should really check into that some more, but, I'm too busy taking care of everyone else (sarcasm). Ok, I will try to do something about that. In the meantime, you're right - damn those bills!
ReplyDeleteI can relate with both your, and time watcher's comments. I'm often late and yet there are other times, I'm early as all heck. I attribute it to two things: going to bed too late and suffering from SAD (seasonal affective disorder). I'm always better with routine in the summer when the sun's out.
ReplyDeleteThanks for taking the time to type all this out, Amy! You're right, it does help to know we are not alone in our struggles.
ReplyDeleteI'm going to be honest here, my diet is shit. I've always eaten whatever I want and usually what I want is junk. I'm really lucky that I've managed to stay healthy despite this. Although, at my last check up, my cholesterol was a little on the high side. I have no doubts that changing my diet and starting an exercise routine would help me tremendously. It's just hard to get started, you know?
I'm taking steps in the right direction. I took the dogs for a long walk last week, which was nice. I can't wait for it to warm up, so I can do that more often now that the days are longer. I also moved my son's Wii downstairs, so I can start doing the Wii Fit thing again. I'm more likely to exercise if I do it at home, because I don't have to deal with the social anxiety that comes along with going to a gym.
As for my diet, that one is going to be tougher. I think I use food to comfort me when I don't feel my best. It don't eat big portions, but what I do eat isn't good. I have a weakness for cotton candy, which is terrible because it gives me an immediate sugar high and then I feel like shit when I come down from it.
One of the things you said in your post was that you can be in time if you know that people are counting on you. Does this not apply to your employer/coworkers? Because I'm pretty sure they are counting on you to be there.
ReplyDeleteI'm not trying to be snarky at all btw. Things look different in writing. That's just what I'm wondering from my POV. :)