Looking Within

Bonnie 2/15/2011 11 Comments Edit

"Through the storm we reach the shore. You give it all but I want more." - U2

I woke up in a bad mood, and it just got worse from there. I'm starting to think I'm Bipolar or something. Happy one day, sad the next. It wouldn't surprise me, but I'm not going on any more meds. My cousin has bipolar, and he is on so many medications that he's a zombie. I recently received an email from a reader who said she thinks I rely too much on other people to make me happy. I think she is exactly right. Relying on other people to make you happy is like being on a emotional roller coaster. I have got to find a way to find happiness inside myself. I have no idea how I'm going to do it, but at least I know what I need to do now. That's a start.

I wasn't at work long today before the tears starting flowing. I ended up leaving work early. I just needed a day to release the emotion and get myself together mentally. I did alot of thinking, ate a bunch of my kid's Valentine's candy, and read a book. My husband has been really nice. He surprised me and came home early so he could take my pictures outside before the sun went down. I hastily put back on the outfit I had worn to work and applied a little makeup. I had a comment today from a reader that I should cut my hair. I love my long hair, so that's not happening, but I did the next best thing and pulled it up and put on a cute headband.

When we got back inside, I had a pure crying fit. I sobbed like a baby. My husband was sweet and let me cry on his shoulder. He has waited on me hand and foot tonight. It really means alot that he is being so understanding. It feels good to get all that emotion out, but I'm going to have such a bad crying hangover tomorrow.

On a lighter note, I was a good girl and didn't buy anything at the Anthro sale today. I feel like the less I buy, the easier it gets. Although I'm not where I want to be with this shopping addiction thing, I'm proud of the progress I've made so far.

Today's song is "With or Without You" by U2. This song spoke to me today because of my dependency on people. I'm going to be completely honest, the comment I received about my hair bothered me. The commenter probably didn't mean anything bad by it. I'm sure I just took it the wrong way, but it was just another example of how I place too much value on other people's opinions. I've been looking in all the wrong places for happiness. Hopefully, all these trials I've been going through lately will make me a stronger person, and get me to that point where I can find the happiness I long for within myself.