Looking Within

"Through the storm we reach the shore. You give it all but I want more." - U2

I woke up in a bad mood, and it just got worse from there. I'm starting to think I'm Bipolar or something. Happy one day, sad the next. It wouldn't surprise me, but I'm not going on any more meds. My cousin has bipolar, and he is on so many medications that he's a zombie. I recently received an email from a reader who said she thinks I rely too much on other people to make me happy. I think she is exactly right. Relying on other people to make you happy is like being on a emotional roller coaster. I have got to find a way to find happiness inside myself. I have no idea how I'm going to do it, but at least I know what I need to do now. That's a start.

I wasn't at work long today before the tears starting flowing. I ended up leaving work early. I just needed a day to release the emotion and get myself together mentally. I did alot of thinking, ate a bunch of my kid's Valentine's candy, and read a book. My husband has been really nice. He surprised me and came home early so he could take my pictures outside before the sun went down. I hastily put back on the outfit I had worn to work and applied a little makeup. I had a comment today from a reader that I should cut my hair. I love my long hair, so that's not happening, but I did the next best thing and pulled it up and put on a cute headband.

When we got back inside, I had a pure crying fit. I sobbed like a baby. My husband was sweet and let me cry on his shoulder. He has waited on me hand and foot tonight. It really means alot that he is being so understanding. It feels good to get all that emotion out, but I'm going to have such a bad crying hangover tomorrow.

On a lighter note, I was a good girl and didn't buy anything at the Anthro sale today. I feel like the less I buy, the easier it gets. Although I'm not where I want to be with this shopping addiction thing, I'm proud of the progress I've made so far.

Today's song is "With or Without You" by U2. This song spoke to me today because of my dependency on people. I'm going to be completely honest, the comment I received about my hair bothered me. The commenter probably didn't mean anything bad by it. I'm sure I just took it the wrong way, but it was just another example of how I place too much value on other people's opinions. I've been looking in all the wrong places for happiness. Hopefully, all these trials I've been going through lately will make me a stronger person, and get me to that point where I can find the happiness I long for within myself.








Dress and Headband: Urban Outfitters

Shoes: Frye Paige Tall Riding Boots

Necklace: The Limited



  1. I've been reading your blog for months now and I really enjoy it. It's been obvious the past month or so that you've had a hard time, emotionally. I've been in "down" places before and it feels like no matter what happens, you're stuck in this fog of malaise that you can't get out of. I found things that made me happy and I had a wonderful family to lean on.

    Please, please don't take this the wrong way, but have you considered talking to a psychiatrist? Have you checked whether your insurance covers it? Does your employer offer an Employee Assistance Program? Even a few sessions will give you a chance to talk it out and at least figure out what makes you happy. Once you're doing something that makes you happier, people's opinions begin to mean a lot less.

  2. Oh Bonnie, I totally understand. Just the other day in therapy I was working on how I take others' comments too seriously and make my own happiness conditional on everyone accepting me. You aren't the only one. I agree with the person above me that looking into therapy could be really helpful for you. It definitely helped me.

    I'm also trying to grow my hair and want it to be longer than it is now, so I'm even with you there. And I think yours looks beautiful long or short. =)

  3. I would recommend therapy strongly as well. It just seems there are too many emotional ups and downs you detail here. I am sure it would help.

  4. As a girl who has a double major in psychology with an emphasis in counseling and psychological disorders I can tell you that you are not alone in the way that you feel and therapists are there to help. Sometimes someone who isn't in the situation can look into it with more clarity than you would expect. I love your blog, your outfits, and your honesty. Thank you for sharing!

  5. Hey Bonnie....Itz alll in mind set abt being happy and sad....U'r mind thinks Sad then u'r day would always b sad....Speak abt the problems u have with dearest 1 of u'rs then mite be u be relived and never feel sad...Say it out
    COming to outfit....loved it.. It would have been complete and even more good if u had earnings hanged on...

  6. (I might only be 21 and am not a mother, but I've learned a lot about personal happiness and inner fulfillment from my very strong, independent mother and other women in my family. I'm not trying to boss anyone around, just had to give my opinion since I'm a Follower/regular reader who cares):

    If anything, I've learned that I will never be a good wife, mother, employee/boss, daughter or friend if I'm not happy with myself. I have to be able to look in the mirror and love who I am and the choices I make for myself every day.. or else, how can I be anything positive for anyone else?

    Life is just one big journey with so many roads waiting to be taken! It's all about CHOICES (and I truly believe, a tiny bit of luck). Take the time to find what you REALLY want and need out of life, and go for it full-throttle. I'm very, VERY fortunate to have the best support system to help me get through those days when nothing feels 'right' and I second guess all the decisions I'm making.. Find solace and salvation in family or sleep or books or God or whatever you need to believe in.

    But from all the experience I've had so far (and it's been a lot in such a short amount of years!), I can practically guarantee that you won't only feel comfortable in your own skin, but the confidence will shine through in all the areas of your life.. I love my mom for being who she is and never apologizing for it. As a daughter, I know your children will look up to that and thank you for years to come :)

    Enjoy your journey! Be you!

  7. Hi Bonnie, hang in there. My sister is Bipolar and she has her moments where she gets just really down and out. I always tell her that tomorrow is another day and that your crappy day will soon be over and forgotten. Perhaps the comment Steph said about seeing a professional would help. Honestly do not be afraid or feel less of a person to seek someone to talk to, I have in the past and it was really enjoyable and felt like a weight was lifted. No matter what just keep positive. Thanks for sharing so much on here and I really enjoy your Blog.

  8. you are doing great on your no - buy! way to stay with it! I am trying too! Hope tomorrow is a better day

  9. Hi Bonnie, I always turn on my happiest music and dance to cheer myself up. i normally works! I'm in love with the headband. Number 201!

  10. Your outfit today is simple but gorgeous. The fit on you is fantastic and the little details make the entire look!

  11. JJ: Thanks for the advice. I'm looking into therapy.

    Katie: Thanks for sharing your issues. From what I can see in your profile pic, your hair looks lovely.

    Steph: Thanks! I'm going to take your advice.

    Anon: Yep, looking into therapy. Thanks!

    Hill: Well said! Thanks so much for typing all that out for me. It meant alot!

    Lan: Thanks! I'm sorry your sister suffers from Bipolar disorder. It seems we all have out own issues to deal with.

    Peggy: Thanks! Good Luck sticking to yours!

    Josie: Music realy is the best healer for the heart. Glad you like the headband!

    Lisa: Thank you!


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