Necklace: Urban Outfitters
"I just sit in silence. Let the pictures soak." - Daughter
Just checking in to let you all know that I'm not dead, well not physically anyway. Sometimes I feel dead and don't know if I can call what I'm doing living. Sometimes the best part of my day is watching a person who has it worse than me on some TV show or movie. So, yeah. How's that for an opening after 3 months of radio silence?
Don't get me wrong. I do have positives in my life. My kids are awesome, and Jerry is just about the best partner in crime in this thing I call a life that I could possibly ask for, but I'm a pessimist, so I focus on the negatives. It's what I do. However, despite seeing the world half empty, I've always treated others with respect and feel I have gone above and beyond to be a nice person. Lately, though, something has changed in me, and I have zero tolerance for people's bullshit.
I've always been the type of person that avoids conflict at all cost. I would much rather concede an argument and be fake nice to someone rather than stand up for myself. I just felt like that was the right thing to do, but now I'm like "fuck that." Literally. I cussed somebody out for the first time in real life a few weeks ago, and it felt fucking fantastic.
Now, I'm not trying to promote going around cussing everybody out and being a complete asshole. No, I'm all about more peace and love in the world. I'm just saying that there is nothing wrong with standing up for yourself. There are some people out there who are never satisfied with anything and treat other people like shit for no good reason. and as far as I'm concerned, those people deserve a good cussing out.
I don't know what it is that has caused this change in me. Maybe it's the fact that I've pretty much lived my whole life to please my mother, and she has never been satisfied with me. In fact, it's gotten so bad that she hasn't spoken to me in 2 months. The sad thing is that I don't even know what I've done this time that is so awful that she can't even acknowledge me as a human fucking being. I guess she is just generally disappointed in me as a person and has finally given up on a lost cause. No, I haven't killed anyone. No, I haven't gone to jail. No, I haven't been addicted to drugs. Her 2 biggest complaints: I suck at finances, and I'm not a morning person. Yes, folks, my mother would love me if only I had a banging bank account and left the house earlier each day. Truth is, though, if it wasn't those things, it would be something else. After 39 years, I've finally learned that it's her, not me.
So, yeah, I've found myself being a little more testy with shitty people lately, and it feels strangely empowering. It used to tear my nerves up to be mad at someone, but my old, jaded ass don't even care anymore. Of course, the ultimate test of this new and bad ass me will be if I ever stand up to my mother. For now, we pass each other in silence.