Weathered

"When the sun comes, dry tears from my eyes. So you come around as the weather starts to change, and you settle in. And the best has yet been made."  - James Vincent McMorrow

I'm still struggling through 2014 so far. I find myself looking back more than looking forward. I can't help but think that my best years are behind me. I'll never have the body, the hair, or the skin I had in my twenties. Hell, I'd settle for the body, hair, and skin I had 2 years ago...  My babies are growing up and becoming less and less dependent on me. The intense love that Jerry and I felt for each other has settled into a warm fondness scattered with moments of love but, oftentimes loathing. We fight over stupid shit all.the time. Just a week ago we were yelling at each other over football statistics. Yes, football statistics. That one had me reduced to tears and seriously contemplating what the fuck is the point of life if everything turns to shit.

Things have been better with me and Jerry this week, but now, all of the sudden, my mom has decided that she hates me. I have no idea what I did wrong, but whatever Zen she gained from her heart attack totally went out the window this week, and she was back to her old condescending and hurtful ways. As she was verbally berating me and making me feel like the worst person who's ever taken breath, I couldn't help but think, "Wow, I was just complaining to her about Jerry last night, and now I'll be complaining to Jerry about her tonight." What the fuck has a girl got to do to get some stability in her life?

I guess I need to get over my need for stability. It's overrated, anyway. Life is all about change, and yeah, it sucks sometimes, but that's just the way it is. Our happiness in life is not defined by our ability to hold on to the way that things have always been but in our ability to adapt to change. Evolution, Survival of the Fittest, Natural Selection - it goes by many names, but I truly believe that it is the point of life. It's basic, I know. It's not all deep and mysterious like God, religion, and the myriad of other things people latch onto to give their life meaning. Maybe I'll change my views down the road. Like I said, life is all about change. But for now, I'm going to put on my big girl hat and brace myself for each and every change in the weather. Besides, I have always preferred the weathered look, and there's always hope that the best is yet to come.