Looking Away

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Sandals: Urban Outfitters

"I know you think I'm holding you down, and I've fallen by the wayside now, and I don't understand the same things as you, but I do...Don't look away." - Keane

It would seem that my pose of choice in this photo shoot was to look away from the camera. While I did manage some different poses, I decided to go mostly with the looking away ones because, strangely enough, those were my favorites. Also, they sort of reflect what's on my mind today. Before I delve into the deep and dark stuff, though, I should mention that I stole this outfit directly off Anthro's website. Thanks, Anthro, for helping a depressed, uninspired sister out.

I've had more bad days than good lately, so I think it's safe to say I've fallen into a depression again. I didn't go to work yesterday. In fact, I didn't even get out of bed. I think I could be happy just staying in bed every day watching mindless TV, eating junk food, and keeping up to date with current events through my IPad. Shit, I don't even need the news for current events. We had a earthquake yesterday, and I felt it 3 hours before the news reported it.

The problem with going out into the world is that things tend to go down hill in my life when I do it. For one, it costs money, and every damn thing is so expensive nowadays. Even worse, though, I usually have to interact with people, something I'm not very good at. However, I don't really have a life unless I get out of the house, so I make myself get out every day and push through. Those few and far between good days make all the bad ones worth it.

I have noticed that a lot of people use avoidance as a coping mechanism in life, but instead of fighting it like I do, they just go with it and even think it's a natural, healthy way to deal with things. While most don't go to the extreme of becoming a hermit that never leaves their house, they do use avoidance when dealing with the unpleasant things that life throws their way. For example, when some people get mad with another person, instead of talking it through with them, they choose to not talk to them at all for a day or two. Yep, I live with one of those people. Fun times. Another, more concerning example that I've heard about is people who deal with death by pretending the person who died never existed.

I get that it's easier to deal with things this way, I really do, but I don't get why a person would conscientiously choose to handle problems in their life in this way. It's not natural, and it sure as hell isn't healthy. I know that some people think I'm weird for still having pictures of my ex-husband and our life together on my Facebook, but I think it would be weird if I took them down, as if I was just erasing that part of my life. It happened, it's a part of who I am now, so I'm not going to pretend it never took place. This is the same reason I didn't change my name back after I got divorced. The way I see it, each part of my name represents a part of my life.

In addition to being unnatural and unhealthy, it's just plain ridiculous when you really think about it. For instance, I'm well aware that there are some people out there who have chosen to pretend that I don't exist. It's certainly their life and their choice, but I do laugh to myself sometimes when I think about what these people would do if I saw them out and about and tried to speak to them. Would they run and hide? Or would they close their eyes and put their fingers in their ears and shout "la, la, la, la?"

Anyway, the bottom line is that it's so easy to go through life with blinders on and to look away from our problems instead of solving them, but I don't think this makes for a very fulfilling life. I know I sound like a broken record, but everything in life really is about taking the good with the bad. More is lost than gained when you choose to erase all the wonderful memories you had with a loved one because you can't face the painful fact that they are gone or when you forget about all the good things a person did for you because they did one thing that hurt you. Like it or not, life is both pleasure and pain, and we get the most out of it when we are willing to face it all.       

Bedshaped by Keane on Grooveshark



  1. First of all I love the first photo, I guess I should say I love those mailboxes, as always well thought out background for your outfit!
    Second of all in my opinion everyone is different and certain things work for one person and will not work for others. As women we like talk things out and silent treatment to us just as bad as verbal abuse so I'm one of those people who like to talk things out and move on but since we all different I really can't force anyone else behave that way, kwim? When I go thru difficulties I like to be left alone however I don't like to re-play or dwell on things, I just keep myself busy physically because I can stay on that couch forever, it's mindless and easy but it will not help you in a long run (only if it's your therapist's couch, lol). Anyhow what ever works, for some people it's a church, loved ones, nature, books, therapy, TV or solitude.

  2. I think this is my favorite outfit you've ever worn! So flowy, loose and beautiful!

    I'm sorry you are feeling depressed. Sometimes all you can do is one foot in front of the other but you need to get moving or you'll sink into it worse. The silent treatment thing is what children do. Intolerable. That would drive me nuts! Tell him to love you enough to talk things through. That's one of the fundamental needs of a healthy relationship. Respect and love each other enough to talk through problems, hurts, anger, etc.

  3. I don't want to be unkind, but I feel like I need to point out the inconsistencies in your comments. How is staying in bed all day instead of going to work and meeting your obligations as as employee and a parent not "using avoidance as a coping mechanism"? How is this different from someone choosing to avoid an unpleasant conversation by not speaking to someone close to them for a day or two after a fight? Most people do this consciously when they are very emotional and fear that they are not thinking clearly and could say something they don't mean- or that might have irreversible consequences. Therefore, they need the clarity that time and space offer. Again, not meaning to be unkind... But your way of dealing with difficult or challenging situations is not better than other people's coping behaviors- just different. You might find that you get along with people a little better, and have more friends if you understand this and accept people they way you long to be accepted. We really are all doing the best we can and everyone of us struggles to cope with the blows life deals us at times...

  4. The last three posts, not counting the lovely garden post and the closet sale, seem to me to have been about how people are not meeting your expectations.

    Each one from oldest to newest seems to show an acceleration of the impact you are feeling because of this, as you hint that, now, you'd prefer not to engage with other people at all than do so and be yet again disappointed. Even Jerry is a disappointment some days.

    I wonder...none of my business of course...but I wonder if these were not the kinds of thoughts and feelings you had in your "other life", pre-divorce, pre-Jerry, pre-everything that's new for the last year or so. If so, did you expect these to just go away when you "made the jump to hyperspace"?

    You mention how you dislike people who avoid confronting the root issues in their lives and relationships. How are you yourself implicated in that regard?

    And, by the way, and I say this with a smile on my face and no malice in my heart, that hair top-knot thingy? I'm sorry but I couldn't help thinking of Shelly Duvall's hair in the Popeye movie. Which, by the way, I loved. :-)

  5. I don't think your are being unkind at all. I just think that you misunderstood my post. Staying in bed all day is not any different than using avoidance as a coping mechanism. They are exactly the same thing and that was my point. It would be so easy for me to stay in bed every day and not face the world. I would have a lot less problems, but I wouldn't really have much of a life. The same thing can be said for using avoidance as a coping mechanism in other situations. The difference is that I just stayed home from work one day. There are some people who use avoidance as a long-term solution for their problems. I don't think this is a good idea, but that's just my opinion.

    I must say that the avoidance situation you have describe here is exactly how Jerry feels, so you are in good company. :-) I just don't agree with you guys. I understand needing a few minutes to calm down during the heat of an argument, but days?!? It drives me crazy!

    We do agree on one thing, though: "We really are all doing the best we can and everyone of us struggles to cope with the blows life deals us at times..."

  6. Thanks, Cathy!

    I've been doing better today. Jerry and I have been talking through it. We always talk it through, but the thing that drives me crazy is the amount of time he needs before we can talk. I think we just need to meet in the middle time-wise. I get that he needs time to cool off after an argument, but maybe he can cut that time down some. We love each other and are willing to compromise, so I think that will see us through.

  7. First photo is my favorite too! I love those mailboxes! It's so hard to get a good shot with them, though, because they get full sun all day. We got lucky and had an overcast day. I love how it's almost a black and white photo with all the absence of color, but it's not.

    I understand what you are saying here. I think when 2 people have differing ways of handling things, they have to somehow compromise which is what Jerry and I are trying to work through.

  8. Hi Bonnie - I love your outfit and your topknot - beautiful. And the pics are great - I agree that #1 is the best. As far as the rest of your post, I am sorry you are getting depressed. You know that I have the same issues. Thinking of you and hoping that things get better sooner rather than later (i know they will get better - just quicker). :) have a great day.

  9. This is a response to this post and several past posts that you've made...

    I'm sorry that things aren't going well for you...that's rough. Here are my recs:

    1. DELETE THOSE FACEBOOK COMMENTS AND CONVERSATIONS. Sitting around reading them and moping isn't going to help anything. That whole sh*tshow happened quite some time ago, no? It happened, it's over, and it's time to move on.

    2. Have Jerry change his FB password and not let you have it. I know it's tempting to look at everything, but again...no good can come of that. I'm the same way-- if I have a significant other's Facebook password, I will look through their stuff. It sounds like Jerry is OK with that, but it's really not good for you. I can't see any good reason why you need the password to something so silly as Facebook.

    3.Get your @ss out of bed, woman! I often fall prey to the same thing...it feels good to lay in bed in the mornings with my laptop, but that all too often turns into an all-day antisocial extravaganza, and I never feel good after that. Even if you lay on the couch all day...just get out of bed!

    4. Keep up the hobbies! Something you may look into is making your own jewelry...I have found some great ideas online and a lot of designs feature Anthro-esque designs. If you're looking to save some money (a lot of the designs at Anthro are surprisingly easy to DIY for cheap), I would be happy to give you some ideas and link you to beginner jewelry-making sites and good ideas!

    Lastly...and this is gonna come off as a backhanded compliment, but I swear that it's NOT...you should smile all the time with your mouth open. You are very attractive regardless, but when you smile with your mouth open, you smile a lot more with your eyes too, and you just.. glow. Also, (AGAIN NOT A BACKHAND; you look 28-30 normally), smiling with your mouth open makes you look a lot younger...I was stunned in your post from the 29th; you literally look about 23 in that pic with the dude from Iron and Wine. It really lights you up. Gorgeous.

    Keep your chin up! Perhaps a trip to the beach should happen soon? :)

    Also, hello from a fellow NC-er! Durhamite here!

  10. Well, Bonnie, I'm sorry my comments came across as being mean or spiteful. It was not my intent but mere words on a page simply slice so thinly the communication bandwidth that much is left to the eye of the beholder. All I can do is say it was not my intention to be hurtful, but to actually be helpful.

    Let me try again...

    Let me try to break my perceptions down to a simple, what I believe to be critical, point: You seem to want to have your cake and eat it too. In other words, you want to get what you want and for there to be no consequences.

    You made moves to get what you wanted and, in doing so, you left your previous life behind. Now you want people to behave as if they have no judgements about that at all other than "Well that was what Bonnie needed so it must be okay so she must still be an okay person so I'll just forget about all those other peoples' heartaches and stuff".

    Or perhaps they feel that you want them to forget the fact that perhaps they were tempted to do the same thing but didn't because they felt a sense of responsibility or guilt. And now they are to forgive and forget *you* doing it?

    There are consequences of every action. And sometimes they will seem unfair and harsh but part of being an adult is accepting this fact and somehow living through it while still realizing you won't be able to change those consequences one whit.

  11. I think you should reconsider your evaluation of a death of a loved one as a problem you can solve, and therefore shouldn't avoid. For some, there is no way to get to a better place about it, because that person will never be there again. You just do what you have to in order to keep your head above water. I think you need to consider that your experience is not the same as others experience, and not evaluate what others do on how you think the world works best.


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