Staring at the Sun

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Top: Anthropologie Sleeve Pitch Blouse
Sweater: Anthropologie Hiking Ruffles Cardigan
Belt: Anthropologie Crossed Beads Belt
Boots: Anthropologie Buckled Paddock Boots

"The light is blinding my eyes as the soft walls eat us alive." - Of Monsters and Men

Jerry just asked me what I was doing and I replied, "Trying to write a blog." I told him the only thing I had so far was a song lyric about blinding light and walls eating people alive, so it was probably a safe assumption that this post wasn't heading into a shiny, happy place. We both had a good laugh at that. I'll take my laughs where I can get 'em today. 

I woke up this morning bright and early and in a good mood. My kids had a little event at their school called "Doughnuts For Moms", which sounds like a nice thing the school does out of the kindness of their hearts for all us well deserving moms, but in actuality it's a ploy to get moms out to the school so they can be suckered into buying things for their kids from the annual book fair which just happens to take place at the same time. A doughnut and 20 dollars later, I hugged my kids and headed off to work, feeling pretty fortunate for a sucker. However, I received a phone call about 2 hours into my day that really brought me down.

It was my doctor's office calling to tell me that my pap smear had come back abnormal. My first thought upon hearing the news was, "Fuck my life." You see, I have "the HPV", so I've been down this road a couple of times before. The first time was when I was a teenager, the second time was in my mid-twenties, and now here we go again. I'm sure by making this admission I'm confirming all the haters cries of "Nasty Whore" and "Trollop", but I'd expect nothing less than the usual mindless generalizations and stereotypes from the haters. The truth is HPV is pretty prevalent in our society. In fact, the majority of people reading this probably have it, but don't take my word for it. Here's what the CDC says: "Anyone who is having (or has ever had) sex can get HPV. HPV is so common that nearly all sexually-active men and women get it at some point in their lives. This is true even for people who only have sex with one person in their lifetime." Of course, I prefer the Girls definition of HPV: "all adventurous girls do."

I'm not sure if my past experiences (with HPV) help me or hurt me since I know what to expect. I know the next step is a procedure called a Colposcopy, but I usually just refer to it as "getting my cervix scrapped." Sorry, but it doesn't get much more laymen than that. Anyway, the point is I'm less than thrilled to have this procedure looming over me. I get anxious just thinking about it, and now I'm spiraling into some really catastrophic thinking. You know, things along the lines of "we're all ultimately alone in this world" and "we all die alone." Good times.

I'm pretty sure this post will be declared an overshare or, at the very least, have people scratching their heads wondering why a fashion blogger is talking about her "female problems." My only answer is that this is what's on my mind today. Yes, I could have pushed these unpleasant thoughts out of the forefront of my mind and blogged about pretty lace skirts and staring off into the distance in old abandoned houses, but I didn't. I chose reality. Some days you just feel like staring directly at the sun. It can be terrifying but worth it if just one person reading this feels a little less alone.   
Yellow Light by Of Monsters and Men on Grooveshark



  1. So very sorry, Bonnie. I can only imagine how stressful this must be. I've said this before, but I'll say it again-I do admire you putting yourself out there-warts and all. You're a brave, beautiful lady and tougher than you think. Hopefully your procedure will go quickly, and you'll not have to have one again. On the frilly lace skirt side of things, I really love this outfit on you with the background. You look very "Hatfields and McCoys" in a good way. Hugs to you!

  2. Thanks as always for the kind words, Kristin. Also, thanks for the laugh. Your "warts and all" comment was pretty apropos. You do know that HPV can cause genital warts (which I don't have by the way)? LMAO!

  3. I love your blog! Thank you for being so real and honest. I hope all goes well with the procedure. Keep being the honest and gorgeous woman that you are!

  4. LOL!!!!! So.....that was maybe a poor choice of words. ;) Usually I mean my puns, but holy lord above, that's not what I meant. I'm laughing at myself now. What can I say? My brain cells were fogged up from lack of sleep and sick kids. Glad to hear you are all good in the wart department! :)

  5. hi bonnie. i have been there, a few times (and worse, actually)... colposcopies are no fun but on the bright side, if anything is REALLY wrong, that's the way to catch it. i have a colpo and a cautious doctor to thank for being alive and well today. most abnormal paps end up being nothing to worry about, so try not to fret. also i found that if you take a couple of advil first, it helps with the discomfort of the procedure. good luck!!

  6. despite your problems, you look awesome!

  7. Dear Bonnie, Thanks for sharing. It might feel like an overshare for some, but it also raises the awareness around HPV. I think that people should be more open about this in general. Getting this checked up is important. I hope it all turns out okay for you in the end. I can only imagine how stressfull this must be.


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