Staring at the Sun

Top: Anthropologie Sleeve Pitch Blouse

Sweater: Anthropologie Hiking Ruffles Cardigan

Skirt: Anthropologie Ide Lace Skirt

Belt: Anthropologie Crossed Beads Belt

Boots: Anthropologie Buckled Paddock Boots

"The light is blinding my eyes as the soft walls eat us alive." - Of Monsters and Men

Jerry just asked me what I was doing and I replied, "Trying to write a blog." I told him the only thing I had so far was a song lyric about blinding light and walls eating people alive, so it was probably a safe assumption that this post wasn't heading into a shiny, happy place. We both had a good laugh at that. I'll take my laughs where I can get 'em today. 

I woke up this morning bright and early and in a good mood. My kids had a little event at their school called "Doughnuts For Moms", which sounds like a nice thing the school does out of the kindness of their hearts for all us well deserving moms, but in actuality it's a ploy to get moms out to the school so they can be suckered into buying things for their kids from the annual book fair which just happens to take place at the same time. A doughnut and 20 dollars later, I hugged my kids and headed off to work, feeling pretty fortunate for a sucker. However, I received a phone call about 2 hours into my day that really brought me down.

It was my doctor's office calling to tell me that my pap smear had come back abnormal. My first thought upon hearing the news was, "Fuck my life." You see, I have "the HPV", so I've been down this road a couple of times before. The first time was when I was a teenager, the second time was in my mid-twenties, and now here we go again. I'm sure by making this admission I'm confirming all the haters cries of "Nasty Whore" and "Trollop", but I'd expect nothing less than the usual mindless generalizations and stereotypes from the haters. The truth is HPV is pretty prevalent in our society. In fact, the majority of people reading this probably have it, but don't take my word for it. Here's what the CDC says: "Anyone who is having (or has ever had) sex can get HPV. HPV is so common that nearly all sexually-active men and women get it at some point in their lives. This is true even for people who only have sex with one person in their lifetime." Of course, I prefer the Girls definition of HPV: "all adventurous girls do."

I'm not sure if my past experiences (with HPV) help me or hurt me since I know what to expect. I know the next step is a procedure called a Colposcopy, but I usually just refer to it as "getting my cervix scrapped." Sorry, but it doesn't get much more laymen than that. Anyway, the point is I'm less than thrilled to have this procedure looming over me. I get anxious just thinking about it, and now I'm spiraling into some really catastrophic thinking. You know, things along the lines of "we're all ultimately alone in this world" and "we all die alone." Good times.

I'm pretty sure this post will be declared an overshare or, at the very least, have people scratching their heads wondering why a fashion blogger is talking about her "female problems." My only answer is that this is what's on my mind today. Yes, I could have pushed these unpleasant thoughts out of the forefront of my mind and blogged about pretty lace skirts and staring off into the distance in old abandoned houses, but I didn't. I chose reality. Some days you just feel like staring directly at the sun. It can be terrifying but worth it if just one person reading this feels a little less alone.