Time

With the passing of another year, I have found myself thinking a lot about time, particularly the fleeting nature of it. Yes, I know, I think such happy thoughts...I guess it makes sense as I'm usually depressed around this time of year. The holidays are over and even though I'm thankful to be free from the stress that comes with them, it's kind of sad that the hustle and bustle is over. Then, there is, inevitably, the consequences of said holidays, like depleted bank accounts and bigger waist lines. I realized I had indulged a little too much this holiday season when I went to put on my favorite jeans and they no longer fit comfortably. Is there anything more dejecting than that? Thank goodness for the Hue corduroy leggings I purchased a couple of weeks ago while I was out and about allegedly Christmas shopping for others. They are my new favorite article of clothing, and I've pretty much worn them every day for the past 2 weeks. They are great "fat pants" as they are super soft and have plenty of stretch.

I was feeling especially down on the day of this photo shoot. It was my first day back to work after a long weekend, I was feeling super bloated, and my mom felt the need to inform me that morning that my hair was looking thin. I can always count on good 'ole mom for an ego boost. I informed her that I was doing what I could to make my hair healthier like only flat ironing it every 3 days as opposed to every day like I used to do and only getting a few highlights in my hair rather than a whole head of them. I reminded her of the things I have working against me that are beyond my control like a thyroid condition that makes my hair fall out and the fact that I'm getting freaking OLD, so my hair is inevitably going to get thinner.

Given all this, I've spent the bulk of this week feeling depressed and sorry for myself and then I got some news yesterday afternoon that changed my outlook. I found out a co-worker who worked in a remote office but who I spoke to on a pretty regular basis had passed away a couple of days before Christmas. Even though I didn't know her all that well, I went through the gambit of emotions one usually goes through when hearing about death. I was shocked, then saddened, and then I started saying those cliche' things everyone says like, "I just talked to her a couple of weeks ago, and she was fine," as if that made a difference or something. As the afternoon progressed, I couldn't stop thinking about her and the last conversation we had. She was telling me how she had been sick, but that she felt so much better. She sounded so hopeful for the future. I helped her with a problem she was having with her computer, she thanked me, and we said our goodbyes. Back in the present, I wondered to myself if she would have really given a shit about that computer problem if she had known at the time that she only had a couple of weeks left to live. Probably not.

To get my mind off of things, I went on the Internet to look at some movie trailers. I stumbled across a new adaptation of Emily Bronte's Wuthering Heights. I was excited to watch the trailer since it was one of my favorite novels growing up and I've yet to see a movie adaptation that can live up to the book. Man, this one looks good! I can't wait for it to come out on home video so I can watch it. Anyway, watching the trailer got me thinking about the story line of the novel. Combine that with the death of my co-worker and my gloomy state of being lately, and well, so much for getting my mind off of things. However, I did come to one conclusion: Why the hell am I wasting any of my precious time here worrying about superficial bullshit? Yes, it can get monotonous sitting in my desk chair all day, and yes, it would be awesome if I could be sitting in my desk chair on toned thighs twirling my fingers through my thick, luxurious locks. However, things could be a lot worse. A LOT worse.

I know I'm rambling, but I guess what I'm trying to say is we shouldn't get so stressed out over little things that don't mean that much in the grand scheme of things. It can be so easy to lose sight of the positive things in our lives when going through the motions of day to day life. Yes, there are certainly things I can improve about myself. However, the way I see it I've got a one up on the likes of Heathcliff and Catherine already. I chose to say "screw society" and be with the man I love. Yes, I know, we hurt people, but pain in this life is inevitable. Isn't it better to live in truth than to live a lie to avoid pain? I think so. Things certainly would have turned out better for all the characters in Wuthering Heights had this been their philosophy. I think my dad has finally realized that I'm not the enemy. I only hope Jerry's son can realize this before it's too late. Life is too short.      

The Enemy - Mumford and Sons