Haunted

"Ghost figures of past, present, future haunting the heart." - Belle and Sebastian

I was somewhat catching up on outfit posts, but the lack of time to do a post over the last several days has put me behind yet again. I wore this little ensemble way back on Halloween. I haven't worn heels this high in awhile, so it was a little tricky getting 3 kids dressed in their costumes while balancing myself on 4 inch heels. It was probably not the best outfit choice for a busy day, but I was itching to wear the new shoes I purchased from Ruche a few weeks ago. I had been looking for some plain black pumps, and these fit the bill nicely.

I've been in a weird mood lately. I know, shocker. It all started when I went for my yearly physical last Thursday. The doctor and I were talking about kids, and she asked me if I planned on having anymore. I said, "No," and immediately felt sadness in my heart. You see, I still have the desire to have more kids, but I've excepted that in more ways than one another kid just isn't in the cards for me. It has really started to hit me that I'm done with that chapter of my life.  I see women with little babies, and I feel so envious that they are still in that phase of their lives. I remember older women telling me when I was there to enjoy it because it would go by so fast, and I did enjoy it, immensely, but it still doesn't make the fact that it's over any easier. Now, all of a sudden, I'm one of the older women.  

I told the doctor how I felt, and she told me to focus on the things that come along with a baby that I don't have to do anymore, like staying up all night and changing diapers. I know she's right, but when I think back to when my kids were babies all I remember are the good things. Those diaper changes and restless nights don't seem so bad now. Conversely, when I look to my peers and those older than me to see what my future holds, all I see is sickness, pain, and death.

Why is it so easy to see the past in a positive light but the future in a negative one? I guess the unknown is always scary. However, I must remember that life is what we make it. Yes, I'm moving into a new chapter in my life, and there is no doubt that sickness, pain, and death await me along the way, but I can't control those things. All I can do is focus on the things I can control, and enjoy the good times while they last. Ultimately, it doesn't matter where I'm at in my life. As long as I have the right attitude, I'm exactly where I'm suppose to be.

Belle And Sebastian - Another Sunny Day

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