Looking Within

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Top: Open Shoulder T c/o OASAP - One Size
Jeans: AE Jeggings - Size 8
Shoes: Sam Edelman Gigi - Size 9

"Always looking for what is not yet. Always." - Blind Pilot

Remember me? You know, the girl who looks like an Anthro store threw up on her and is always rambling on about some depressing mumbo jumbo. Yes, it's all coming back to you now... It's been a whole week since I did a post, probably the longest I've gone without posting since I started this blog. I didn't intend to take a break, but life happens. I had a very dark week last week. You guys could probably see it coming from my most recent posts. I think a combination of some medicine mishaps and shitty circumstances got the best of me.

If I didn't know it before, I know it now: that Prozac stuff ain't no joke, it really works. I ran out of Prozac and stupidly waited a few days to refill it. Big mistake. The dark cloud of depression descended upon me and took up camp for a few days. Suddenly, every little thing wrong in my life seemed like the end of the world. Like the big ole' scrape on the side of my minivan that I got a few weeks ago because that column at the bank drive-thru came out of nowhere. Damn columns and curbs are always doing that! Every time I got in the van I thought to myself, "What's more uncool than driving a minivan? Driving a wrecked minivan." 

For some reason, I was afraid to call the insurance company for fear of how much it would cost me both in the short and long term. In my state of depression and anxiety, I decided the best course of action might be to get a new car. I've never bought a car by myself before and was not prepared for the shit storm that is the car dealership. Basically, they wanted to give me next to nothing for my car and charge me a ridiculously high payment on a new one. I'm happy to say I didn't succumb to the dark side and purchase a new vehicle, but I did gain a better understanding of the car buying process and a greater appreciation for the low payment I have on my current car. However, all the psychological games and pushy sales tactics left me emotionally drained at the end of the day. I had a pretty good crying fit on the way home from the dealership. I know, first world problems.

I woke up this morning feeling much better and more like myself (thank you Prozac). I decided to give the insurance company a call and report the claim on my van. The lady on the phone was so nice, and I was pleasantly surprised to find out that my deductible is only $250, and I get a free rental car while they fix my van. Some good news for a change! It was such a contrast from my ordeal at the car dealership. I felt so stupid for not calling the insurance company in the first place.

I have to say, though, all of this was a wake up call. That was what the crying spell in the car was all about. The realization that I don't have confidence in myself, that I don't think I'm good enough, and that I keep looking to new things to give me value. On the bright side, I did give myself a little chuckle in the middle of my breakdown. I was bumbling on trying to convince myself that I was good enough and had value and then I realized what I was saying and belted out in my most hideous sounding crying voice, "Yeah, that's right, I'm a special fucking snowflake."

This past Friday I was having a hard time figuring out what to wear, so I started digging deep into the recesses of my closet and stumbled upon this hat. I've had it since the beginning of the Summer but hadn't worn it yet. It occurred to me that if I had bought something new to wear, I wouldn't have gone digging in my closet and would have never discovered this cute hat that day. It's reassuring to know that there are good things already in my life. I just have to be willing to find them. 

Blind Pilot - Always



  1. Love the hat on you, I wish I looked that cute in hats! Keep your chin up, I'm always impressed by your candor on your blog and am so disappointed in the people who attack you. I want you to know there are lots of us out there who really enjoy your blog and are rooting for you!

  2. Before I went on Prozac I had depression and frequent panic attacks, so I understand more or less what you're going through. I find that when I'm blowing day-to-day annoyances out of proportion, it helps to take the long-term view: Has something like this happened to me before? Has it affected me severely in the long term? Will I even remember it a week from now? In most cases, the answers are yes, no, and no. It might also help to ask yourself what you'd think of this situation if you were just an observer. Would you see yourself as a loser with a scraped minivan, or would you not even notice the make and condition of the car? Probably the latter. It's very hard to ask yourself these questions in the moment, but it can help, at least a little.

  3. It must be something in the water or air, because I just wrote a post about feeling Blah too (I have it scheduled to publish tomorrow). I read your post and thought, hey, at least I'm not the only one feeling like crap this week! Here's to brighter days soon...

  4. I love this little outfit! The hat would be on my head non-stop :o) Love ya, you special fucking snowflake. Never stop.

  5. And hey, I know that you're referring to those sickly little criticizers when you quote bad things about yourself - here's a clip that they should really stop and ask themselves: http://youtu.be/7qVgjGI6Lsw

  6. Uh yeah, I had a massive meltdown last night myself. One of the worst ever. And I've noticed a lot of other people feeling down the past few weeks too.

  7. "Yeah, that's right, I'm a special fucking snowflake"

    I LOVE THIS! I'm going to go post it on my FaceBook page right now, I love it so much. There's been so many times I wanted, needed, to say this to myself and didn't have exactly the right words. Now, I do! Thank you, Bonnie, you made me laugh. (my day was quasi-craptastic)

  8. Prozac does wonderful things and it's a bitch when you run out. The thing about it is too that your body has adjusted to having the chemical support, and so when you first go off of Prozac your depression comes back much stronger even than it was before. Those are the days I pretty much come home from work and give myself permission to get straight into bed! Also, the hat is cute!


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