Top: Anthropologie Urubamba Tank - Size S
Jeans: AE Jeggings - Size 8
Shoes: Steve Madden Seeri Sandals
Earrings: The Limited
"Kate wasn't into moderation. That's what led to her frustration at the state of her crumbling heart. She says I'm not a girl for temperance, though I know its at my hearts expense, but a downward spiral has to have a rock bottom." - Marcus Mumford
I've been struggling with blogging lately. More accurately, I've been struggling with life lately. Blogging always forces me to look inward, to explore my innermost thoughts and feelings, and over the last month it's been down right scary in there. I've been on a downward spiral since we moved into the house, and last night I think I hit rock bottom.
Even though I did nothing other than sit in my chair at work yesterday, every muscle in my body ached when I got up this morning. I felt like I had been in a fight, and when I thought about it, I guess I had. I had been in a fight with myself. This seems to happen anytime there is a big change in my life. I thought moving into the new house would be fun, and it has had its moments, but for the most part, I've been a stressed out mess. I've spent so much time, energy, and money on decorating the house, and I'm dissatisfied with the results. I don't know why. I've done everything to it that I had set out to do, but I just feel like it looks like crap. My mom doesn't help any. Every time she comes over she lets me know all the things she doesn't like about it. And then there's my middle child... He's a lot like his mommy and doesn't like change either. Add to that school being out and him being off his meds, and it's a bad combination. His first few minutes in the house were spent scribbling "Fuck You" on the kitchen wall, "Ass" on a wall in his sister's room, and "Shit" on the bathroom wall. Hey, at least he wrote shit in the appropriate place (I always try to look at the positive). This was just the beginning of a long list of "home improvements" he's done around the house over the last month. He's hidden things, destroyed flowers, and just yesterday he punched one of the old stove pipe covers and cracked the paint all around it.
Then there was Father's Day. Oh, how I loath holidays. They always remind me how inadequate my family life is and none more so than Father's Day. When the chipper cashier at Target asked me if I was getting ready for Father's Day, I thought for a split second about responding with a cliche' "Yes," but I quickly decided just to tell the guy the truth. Why should I have to lie to fit into society? "No," I said, "my Father doesn't speak to me, so it's a sore subject." Poor cashier guy, he didn't quite know how to respond to that. He said he was sorry, I said it was no problem, and he just kept his head down and stuck to scanning items for the rest of the transaction.
Of course, I've been applying the usual bandaid to my stress, shopping, and it's been a big bandaid this month. So big that I went over my budget, and now I can add financial stress to my repertoire. I put some items on sale to help ease the pain, but even that backfired on me. One of the items I was selling was a gift from a friend. She called me out on it last night, and I felt horrible. It was at this point that I realized I had hit rock bottom. I had a good crying session and woke up this morning with a new resolve.
Life is what me make it. Yes, I've got some good reasons to be stressed out right now, but I'm responsible for how I react to them. I want to enjoy my home rather than fret over it. I want to be a better parent and disciplinarian. I want to spend time with the people in my life who support me (few as they may be at this point) rather than dwell on the ones who don't. Basically, I want to be a better person. From this point forward, I resolve to do less shopping and more work on myself. I'm determined to dig myself out of this hole.
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I am sorry, my guess is the son acting out would be the most worrisome. I hope it's just a phase. Good luck... and try to think of the great things as well....the house (youre not homeless), your relationship (you are loved) and your children (you are blessed). Add to that you are just plain hot and you have a lot to hold your head up about.... Smile.
ReplyDeleteI can understand why your child is acting out, my dad walked out on my mom as well when I was about that age and that's how I felt. Bonnie, buying a new house and buying new clothes won't ever ease your pain.
ReplyDeleteI don't know the story of the reason your son takes medications during the school term--I would guess ADHD or whatever it's called now. That aside, I'd suspicion that he's finally getting around to dealing with his feelings about your separation and divorce. Perhaps it would be helpful to simply allow him to express them verbally...? Have you allowed him to vent about this in a constructive way?
ReplyDeleteMy son has had behavior problems since he was 3 years old. He was actually kicked out of a daycare for his behavior. He has been diagnosed with ODD(Oppositional Defiant Disorder) and ADHD. I'm not denying that my separation had an impact on him. It had an impact on us all. However, this type of behavior is nothing new with him, and it always seems to flare up when there is a change in the status quo. Add to that the fact that we've taken him off his meds, and it's been a rough month. FYI: We take him off his meds in the Summer because he loses so much weight when his on them during the school year that we try to fatten him up over the Summer.
ReplyDeleteYes, my son acting out seems to make everything worse. I wish it was just a phase, but he's been like this since he was a baby. He has gotten better with age, but he has "flare ups" when changes occur in his life. You're right, I need to focus on all the positives in my life. It's just difficult sometimes. Thanks for your uplifting comment.
ReplyDeleteYou probably shouldn't take him off meds. Have you talked to his doctor? What has he/she said? That probably helps with him feeling out of control, he loses it when he has to go off his meds
ReplyDeleteWhy would try to "fatten him up" over the summer? if the meds work well for him the rest of the time? No sass, just an honest question.
ReplyDeleteThis too shall pass, Bonnie. Hang in there! He'll settle into his new routine and new home. You could try giving him the meds for a bit this summer. Just a thought.
ReplyDeleteI have to tell you how much I appreciate your honesty; that it isn't all rainbows and butterflies over here. Other blogs I read make it all seems so annoyingly perfect. I like that you aren't afraid to share the difficult stuff.
Change is HARD! I'm sure things will turn around, be patient! Patient and persistent! Making a house a home takes some time. Try taking care of one room at a time and don't feel like you have to do everything at once, things will come together! And on that note it's time for some movie therapy! Go find "Under the Tuscan Sun" and it will make you feel better :)
ReplyDeleteAs far as your son goes, why don't you have him help you with the decorating so that he feels like he has some control over what's going on? Give him a project - make a piece of art for a certain room, pick out flowers for the garden, have him help you choose stuff for the house. Make it seem like this is a GOOD change. Get him on board!
The meds work well for his behavior, but he has absolutely no appetite when he is on them. For this reason, we take him off the meds on weekends, holidays, and Summer break. We use another med during these times that doesn't work as well on his behavior but doesn't surpress his appetite either. He lost 10 pounds over the course of the school year. That's a lot for an 8 year old. He should be gaining, and it scares me. We use the Summer as a opportunity to get him back up to his regular weight, because I know once school starts, he will have to go back on the meds and back to losing weight again. I'm willing to deal with his behavior issues if it means he is healthier.
ReplyDeleteYes, we've discussed it with his doctor. He has left it up to our discretion since we are the ones who have to deal with his behavior. He does pretty good most of the time. He usually has one episode a week and it is usually triggered by something. For example, he punched the stove pipe cover because we made him take his pill (non-stimulant), and he didn't want to take it that morning. If his bad behavior gets worse, we will reevaluate with the doctor. Right now, it's manageable.
ReplyDeleteI've tried. He's not a very verbal guy when it comes to feelings. The thing that seems to work the best with him is to give him a lot of one on one attention. When he wrote on the walls, instead of losing my shit like I wanted to do, I calmly cleaned off the walls and then sat down with him and let him talk to me about his newest video game. I let him know that what he did was wrong, but I knew that this approach would work better to diffuse the situation rather than punishing him. He likes to talk about the things he's interested in, but he is not big on talking about his feelings. I get it. I used to be a lot like that myself. After our conversation about the video game, he hugged me and told me he loved me. I knew that was his way of telling me he was sorry about writing on the walls. I'm sure I don't do everything right as a parent, but I'm trying my best. I welcome any suggestions you have. I think sports would really help, but he has such bad social anxiety, I can't get him to participate in one.
ReplyDeleteI'd suggest taking all processed food out of your son's diet and getting him on some good probiotics. That will help with the behavioral issues and you may find you don't need the medication again.
ReplyDeletewow, all these mentions of being stressed out, the loose flowy top, and really radiant skin these past few weeks...are you pregnant? SPILL!
ReplyDeleteI just want to say that when I come to your blog I expect the voice that I have come to expect when I read your blog. Honesty/Transparency and I applaud you for it. It is hard to admit our problems with family and/or ourselves. That takes guts especially when people like to attack over the shield of the computer. Hang in there. You do got a lot on your plate.
ReplyDeleteOn another note, I love seeing the outfits and Anthro reviews. Thank you.
I would imagine that taking him on and off meds is probably part of the reason that his emotions are all over the place. That sounds horrible. My moods can be affected by something as simple as a Benadryl at night.
ReplyDeleteAlso, you have many positive things going on in your life right now. Why would you only choose to focus on the bad? Be proactive and work on solutions for your son. Other than that I really don't see what you have to be upset about. Just because you don't like your decorating?
I understand how Father's Day can be difficult. But, why let a day created by the greeting card market affect you? Find a solution or be at peace with the way things are.
Stop focusing on the bad all the time. You can decide to be happy. (Yes, I am speaking from experience.)
Another thing, I actually support you and your decision to leave your marriage and be with the man you fell in love with. Life is short and you should live it happy.
I don't think you should have to lie to fit into society.
ReplyDeleteI also don't think the checker at target should have said that since a lot of people don't enjoy father's day for various reasons.
BUT... he was probably just trying to be nice and when you say something like that you are just going to make him feel like shit. I think there's a better way to handle it.
Why not just say-" I'm not celebrating father's day this year." or "Nope, just enjoying the weekend."
Somehting that is not a lie but also not going to make the situation worse.
I get the Summer Off philosophy. We did that with our son (he is 33 and healthy) when he was young. It was the best thing for him. I feel for you for summers. I had terrible summers, as well, when he was off of his meds. You are in my thoughts.....what a an awesome mom you are - bless you during the stress of this time. xoxo
ReplyDeleteI am in the middle of a huge life decision. I think it will cause so much chaos I am afraid. How did you find the courage to face your fears and make the right decision.... xoxo
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