Dress: Anthropologie Sky Trails Maxi Dress - Size XS
Sweater: Old Navy - Size M
"I bet when I leave my body for the sky the wait will be worth it." - Local Natives
I've been thinking a lot about death lately. One of my mom's good friends is dying, and it has been weighing heavily on my mind. Just a week ago, she had no idea that anything serious was wrong with her and now she is on her death bed. Also, a couple of weeks ago our neighbor died. She was a sweet little lady who had just dropped by the apartment a few days before her death to invite us to her church. She had been watching TV with some friends and was getting ready for bed when she had a stroke and died a few hours later. It scares me, how quickly we can be gone and how fragile life is.
I've never had anyone close to me die, so I don't handle death very well. All my grandparents died when I was very little, and I don't remember much about them. I do remember my paternal grandfather would hold out change in his hand and would snatch it away and put it back in his pocket before I could get a hold of any of it. Apparently, he found this very entertaining, and from what I've heard, he loved money, so I guess this fit his personality. I also remember my maternal grandmother allowing me to play her piano. She had 8 children (all girls), so, as you can imagine, she had tons of grandchildren. I don't know why, but I was the only one she would allow to bang on her piano. She left it to me when she died, and it's sitting in my apartment as I type this. My kids like to bang on it.
I have no idea why I'm rambling on about all this. I guess I just realize how important it is to make connections with people while we're here and live life to the fullest. I wish I could have known my grandparents better, but nothing can be done about that now. However, something can be done about the relationships I have with the people who are still here. I'm trying, but I can't do it alone, and it's frustrating.
I visited my mom for Mother's Day and all she did was vent to me about how everyone disappoints her: me, my sister, my nephew, and the list goes on and on. I had such a hard time picking out a Mother's Day card for her because none of them fit the relationship we have. As I browsed through the cards, they just got sappier and sappier. Does anyone really have these kind of relationships with their mother? "Thanks for always being supportive" - yeah right. "You are kind, caring, and the best mom in the world" - she'd know I was full of shit with that one. I finally settled for one with a Thomas Kinkaid painting (she really likes his work) and a message wishing her a great day. During my visit with her, I found out that my dad still doesn't want to speak to me. My mom said I might as well give up on that, because he doesn't love me. She doesn't think he's capable of love. As you can tell, we had a really lovely visit.
Given all this, I am still not going to give up on my parents. As long as I have breath in my body, I will let them know that I care about them and would like to have a relationship with them. In their absence, I will enjoy spending time with those who want to be around me, and I will raise my kids with more love and support than I ever received. If I do this, when my day comes to leave this place, I will have no regrets.