Sky Trails

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Sweater: Old Navy - Size M
Necklace: Anthropologie

"I bet when I leave my body for the sky the wait will be worth it." - Local Natives

I've been thinking a lot about death lately. One of my mom's good friends is dying, and it has been weighing heavily on my mind. Just a week ago, she had no idea that anything serious was wrong with her and now she is on her death bed. Also, a couple of weeks ago our neighbor died. She was a sweet little lady who had just dropped by the apartment a few days before her death to invite us to her church. She had been watching TV with some friends and was getting ready for bed when she had a stroke and died a few hours later. It scares me, how quickly we can be gone and how fragile life is.

I've never had anyone close to me die, so I don't handle death very well. All my grandparents died when I was very little, and I don't remember much about them. I do remember my paternal grandfather would hold out change in his hand and would snatch it away and put it back in his pocket before I could get a hold of any of it. Apparently, he found this very entertaining, and from what I've heard, he loved money, so I guess this fit his personality. I also remember my maternal grandmother allowing me to play her piano. She had 8 children (all girls), so, as you can imagine, she had tons of grandchildren. I don't know why, but I was the only one she would allow to bang on her piano. She left it to me when she died, and it's sitting in my apartment as I type this. My kids like to bang on it.

I have no idea why I'm rambling on about all this. I guess I just realize how important it is to make connections with people while we're here and live life to the fullest. I wish I could have known my grandparents better, but nothing can be done about that now. However, something can be done about the relationships I have with the people who are still here. I'm trying, but I can't do it alone, and it's frustrating. 

I visited my mom for Mother's Day and all she did was vent to me about how everyone disappoints her: me, my sister, my nephew, and the list goes on and on. I had such a hard time picking out a Mother's Day card for her because none of them fit the relationship we have. As I browsed through the cards, they just got sappier and sappier. Does anyone really have these kind of relationships with their mother? "Thanks for always being supportive" - yeah right. "You are kind, caring, and the best mom in the world" - she'd know I was full of shit with that one. I finally settled for one with a Thomas Kinkaid painting (she really likes his work) and a message wishing her a great day. During my visit with her, I found out that my dad still doesn't want to speak to me. My mom said I might as well give up on that, because he doesn't love me. She doesn't think he's capable of love. As you can tell, we had a really lovely visit.

Given all this, I am still not going to give up on my parents. As long as I have breath in my body, I will let them know that I care about them and would like to have a relationship with them. In their absence, I will enjoy spending time with those who want to be around me, and I will raise my kids with more love and support than I ever received. If I do this, when my day comes to leave this place, I will have no regrets.

Local Natives - Airplanes



  1. Ok. I read this on my phone and HAD to get to my computer so I could respond:

    1st: You have no idea how proud I am of you for making that stand. Allowing yourself to be vulnerable, to give love when it does not seem to be reciprocated.. This is so selfless and generous of you. You can teach others to love just by loving them when they are being unpretty, and the truth is YOU can live this way with NO REGRETS and that is an amazing gift to yourself and your children. :D

    Now for fashion: I love this dress. You underestimate your perfectly sculpted shoulders.. they are enough to make anyone envious! Love the dress and the color and pattern of it on you. I love it even more without the sweater. I didn't comment on the previous post..because I was too lazy.. however.. just wanted to add that I LOVE your hair pulled back. You have a very elegant profile in the head shot :D I am rambling.. but you are beautiful and you amaze me with your strength and beauty. Thank you for that.

  2. Wow I am totally having a lot of the same thoughts about death and life and I too am not as close to my mother as I would like to be. It is really nice to see that I am not alone and you really lifted my spirits today.

  3. Great post Bonnie! Yep, I have the same difficulty picking out cards that "fit" the relationship. It's great that you are going to do things differently for your kids. That's what my husband and I are striving to do. You look FAB in that dress! The color suits you well, especially with your red hair. :)
    I hope you received my email today.

  4. I agree with every single word of Beth's - she took the time to read my mind, it seems - from your relationship with your parents right down to how beautiful you look with your hair pulled back. Sorry I didn't say so sooner... :o)

  5. Great outfit and beautiful post. I'm having a lot of the same feelings about death right now. Until last month, I hadn't lost anyone close to me and then, in the same week, I lost my grandfather (to old age) and my 24-year-old cousin (to suicide). Needless to say, it was an overwhelming experience, but it did show me how fragile and uncertain life is. You are so right about the importance of making connections while we can. I had been meaning to get in touch with my cousin for almost a year, but put it off because I figured there would always be a "later." We don't always get that later, unfortunately.

    It sounds like you're doing the best you can with your parents. You seem to be taking the high road and trying your hardest and that's all you can do.

  6. Oh Bonnie. I know where you are coming from with this stuff unfortunately. You are doing the right thing in taking the higher road. It is also setting a good example for your own children.

    This dress is beautiful on you. The pictures are amazing, as always! Hope you had a nice Mother's Day with your kids.

  7. my dad's dad passed away in april - 4 months before my wedding. i now have no more grandpa's - my dad is the patriarch of the family. as i get closer and closer to my wedding day i get scared of one day losing my fiance, watching my parents get older is hard. i worry about the day that i will lose them. how many more times in my life will i have to go through this heartache? too many to count. to be honest, this is the one aspect that makes me not want to have kids - to spare them from the hurt and pain, to not have to watch their loved ones pass away, to not have to worry about what comes after and that one day this will just end.

    i digress. love your kids, hug your BF. i thank god every day for what i have..

  8. I'm glad you aren't giving up on your parents. There is so much I learn about myself by interacting with my parents. It's hard to be patient with them at times, but it's worth it. Plus, they are awesome.

  9. Beth, you don't know what it means to me to hear that you are proud of me. I've never had anyone tell me that, and I think we all need to hear it from time to time, so thank you for that.

  10. I'm so sorry about your grandpa. I know it hurts, but just try to be thankful for the time you had with him. I didn't have much time with mine. I'm really bad about worrying about the unknown, but I have to tell myself that it does no good. We must live in the present and enjoy what we have while we have it. We can't live our lives in fear. If you want to have kids, then have them. Don't let the fear of the unknown stop you. Best of luck!

  11. Thanks, Catherine! My Mother's Day was great. I hope yours was too!

  12. I love what you've said here, Rebecca. It reminds me of this quote that I love (I know, I'm freaking obsessed with quotes):
    “Maybe you can afford to wait. Maybe for you there's a tomorrow. Maybe for you there's one thousand tomorrows, or three thousand, or ten, so much time you can bathe in it, roll around it, let it slide like coins through you fingers. So much time you can waste it.
    But for some of us there's only today. And the truth is, you never really know.”
    ― Lauren Oliver

  13. Well, it's good to know I'm not the only one that has greeting card troubles. I did received your email. Thanks for having my back!

  14. I am so glad you have on this dress. I have been thinking about it but wanted to see it on a "real" body.... and it's HOT! I love it! You look fantastic in it and my shape should fit it in it, as well. I am glad you are not giving up on those that you love, or once loved, or once loved you. Life truly is short and there is no time to bitterness and anger. I am sorry you have that in your life. With all my heart.....xoxo. Sherry

  15. Just so you can hear it again - and because it is true. I, too, am proud of you! XOXO

  16. I'm so glad I could lift your spirits! I was afraid that people would be annoyed with me talking about death ("For God's sake, just stick to talking about the clothes, lady."), so it's good to know that I was able to make someone feel better and not quite so alone.

  17. LOL! I'm glad your parents are "totally awesome, man!" I don't know if I would go that far with mine, but I still want to have a good relationship with them.

  18. Can't wait to see this dress on you! You better blog about it! I miss your posts. ;-)

  19. Ugh I'm so jealous of your dress! I tried it on and the pattern hit me weird and accentuated my thunder thighs, you however, look amazing! Love it! Would be really fun with a belt too!



  20. I love this dress on you! The color is amazing with your skin and your hair, and I love the field-of-dandelions photos. I absolutely understand your apprehension about death. I lost my father last July and my grandmother this past January, and it has been rough. One of the only things that has made it bearable, especially about my dad, is that my family has always each other all the time how much we love each other. It's easier to deal with the loss knowing that I will never have to think "I should have told him more often that I loved him." I'm so proud of you for continuing to try with your parents for as long as it isn't self-destructive for you, and for reaching out to your mother for Mother's Day even though your relationship is tenuous at the moment.

    xo Julie

  21. Hi Bonnie
    I can totally relate with the card situation! They should make cards for dysfunctional families! I usually buy blank cards.

    I also think you shouldn't give up on your parents. You won't regret all the effort you put into it, things will fall into their conscience when they realize all the time and energy they lost with negativity. You are doing the right thing even though it's hard. My mom sometimes "vents" about how my sister and I didn't do anything to make her and my dad proud. Apparently being honest, a good person, mother, wife, friend isn't enough because she has to compare us to others, that one of my cousins is a lawyer, and blah blah blah :/
    Other times she is nicer though, so I need to focus on when she is nice and gives me a compliment!

  22. Bonnie please look at this website: www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.
    You are a grown woman, trust yourself and STOP trying to fix relationships with people who only conditionally love you. Just because they're your parents doesnt mean they're not fucked up.


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