April

April is the month of renewal. Plants that have been lying dormant rise up out of the ground. Brightly colored blossoms begin to peek out from tree branches. The world comes alive, and along with it, the people. They emerge from their homes to greet warmer temperatures and longer days. On a typical April day, you can find them out cutting their grass or perhaps tilling their gardens. The smells of freshly cut grass and tilled dirt permeate the air, reminding me of April's past.

Last April, I began a new chapter of my life. This April, I hope to start yet another one. We are suppose to close on our house at the end of this month. One last hurdle remains, and I find myself incredibly stressed over it. It's completely out of my hands, and all I can do is wait. However, waiting, such a simple task, is the hardest part. Due to my anticipation over the house, I find myself getting irked over little things. Just browsing Facebook is enough to drive me to tears. Babies are being born, vacations are being taken, new stuff is being bought, weight is being lost, houses are being cleaned, and gardens are being tended. Meanwhile, I feel stuck. I don't want to start packing up to move until I know for sure we are moving, and I don't want to purchase things for a house we may never get. On the other hand, I don't want to do anything to an apartment we may no longer be in. This state of limbo is hard for me. I like to do things, especially during Spring. My usual excitement and happiness over Spring has been replaced by frustration and depression. I was really starting to relate to these words by Edna St. Vincent Millay: "Life in itself is nothing. An empty cup, a flight of uncarpeted stairs. It's not enough that, yearly, down this hill April comes like an idiot, babbling and strewing flowers."

Yesterday, after my kids left, I had tons of time on my hands as I always do after they leave, so I decided rather than checking out other people's Facebook pages, I would check out my own. I went through hundreds of my old photos, and when I was done, I felt this peace come over me. I realized how incredibly lucky I am. I have 3 beautiful kids, the love of an incredible man, my health, a good job, and a roof over my head. I may want this new house, but I have everything I need right now. I'm going to do my best to stop living for the future and start living in the present. Come what may, April is here, it's a beautiful time of the year, and I plan on enjoying every day of it.

Hot Chip - Playboy