Sweater: Ruche - Size M
Belt: Anthropologie - Size M
Boots: Steve Madden Candence Boots
"All the tears I cried never salted any wounds. Well, the earth is so tender and cruel. Well, if you're not there, it's still so beautiful." - Delta Spirit
Oh, the irony of life. As I told you in the last post, I've been thinking a lot about my estranged dad lately. Well, yesterday, fate saw fit that we should be in the same room together for the first time in almost a year. It was a stressful afternoon to say the least, but I came out of it with a better perspective on life.
My boys had their yearly checkups, so I picked them up from school early. After their appointment, I drove them to my ex-husband's house, since it is his week with the kids. My ex greeted us when we got there and told me that his hot water heater had broken that morning. He asked if I would mind staying to help the kids with their homework, because he was going to be working on the water heater and didn't think he would have the time. I told him I would be glad to help and went inside with the boys to get them started on their homework.
As I was sitting at the kitchen table, helping my oldest son with his math, I heard the sound of my dad's voice outside. My heart dropped to my stomach. I was really nervous about the possibility of seeing him after such a long time. When he walked in, I looked at him, smiled and said, "Hey, daddy." He didn't even look my way and completely ignored me. I felt like somebody had stabbed me with a knife but did my best not to show any emotion. My son saw what happened, looked at me, and said, "Grandaddy didn't even speak to you." I said, "Yes, I know," and we continued on with his math problems. A few minutes later, the man who has worked on my family's farm for years came in with a dolly to carry out the old water heater. He saw me, smiled, and we both greeted each other. My son then leaned over and quietly said "Well, at least Jose said hey to you, mommy."
At that moment, it hit me. A realization inspired by my 10 year old son's observations: I don't need a relationship with my parents. There are other people in this world who accept me and love me for who I am. Love is the tie that binds us, not blood. I know, it seems like such a simple concept, but I had been so focused on the opinions of these 2 people that I had lost sight of anything else. I would love nothing more for them to embrace me and tell me they are proud of me and love me, but it's not going to happen. I have to accept that. My mother has told me that she wished she never had me. My dad has spoken the most vicious and mean words toward me, and now he won't speak to me at all. I have cried many tears and felt completely worthless because my own parents have rejected me. However, sometimes I forget that they are just people too. They don't have to be in my life. Maybe it's time to let go. There are people who are glad I'm in this world. They speak words of kindness and love. They choose to see the beauty in this world and inspire me to see it too. These are the people I want to focus on and surround myself with, not those who tear me down.
I spotted this little patch of flowers in the middle of a run down neighborhood. It was in the backyard of a boarded up house. It gave me hope that even in the middle of this abandoned and rejected neighborhood, some beauty still remains. I have hope that I can still live a fulfilling life without my parents. They may not see the beauty in me, but there are others who do, and those are the ones who matter.
Delta Spirit - Salt in the Wound