Shadow of the Past

I've got the blues. I usually have one day a week when I'm feeling a little melancholy, but it seems to be lingering this week. It's especially odd considering it's my week with the kids. Those weeks are usually my "happy weeks." I've been trying to figure out the cause of these sad feelings and have come to one conclusion - nostalgia.

Jerry and I have begun house hunting this week. It's hard to believe it but our 1 year apartment lease is getting ready to expire in a few months, so we figured it was time to start looking into a more permanent and larger dwelling option. On Monday, I sent an email to the lady who has been my realtor over the past 11 years.

"I’m looking for a house because I have been separated for almost a year now and will be getting a divorce in May. I know, it’s sad, but we are on good terms with each other and have joint custody of the kids. We just grew apart over the years and were no longer happy. It was a tough decision...I’ve been living in an apartment with my boyfriend and the kids since May. Our lease runs out at the end of April, so we figured it was time to start looking for a house...I wasn’t sure if this would be awkward for you or not...I thought about it, and you were there for my mom when she went through her divorce, and you have always been there for me at each turning point in my life...with your smiling face and support even under the worst of circumstances. I’m ready to make a fresh start, and I can’t think of anyone else I would rather have helping me."

It's always awkward telling people who I haven't contacted in awhile the changes that have taken place in my life. I never know how they will react. This situation was especially awkward because my ex and I had bought and sold our house with this lady and had become pretty close with her. I was so relieved when I got her reply. She said she understood that we all go through chapters in our lives, and she would be happy to help me with this one. However, shortly after reading her email, I felt this sadness come over me, and it has been my constant companion over the last several days.
 
Speaking with her brought back memories of the past, and I found myself sitting at my desk with that all too familiar feeling in the pit of my stomach that only nostalgia can bring. Don't get me wrong. It wasn't a feeling of regret or even guilt, just that sadness that sometimes washes over you when thinking about days gone by. 11 years ago, I was a scared, pregnant 23-year-old who had just walked down the aisle at a shotgun wedding and was looking for a place to call home. Life was just beginning for me, and I had no idea what I wanted. I looked everywhere for guidance except within myself. I realize now just how lost I was. Still, I find myself missing that girl, so naive and scared of her own shadow.

Today, I'm a nearly divorced 34-year-old who walked out of an unhappy marriage and is looking for a new place to call home. Yeah, it doesn't sound too pretty on paper, but I've got one thing going for me that I didn't have last time. I'm here because I want to be, due to decisions I made with my heart and the incredible love I feel for a man.

As I was driving home last night, a little rabbit ran out in front of me. Before I had time to react, I heard the horrible thud of my vehicle's tire rolling over him. I instantly started to cry. It seems so unfathomable to me that something could be so full of life one minute and dead the next. Then I thought to myself, "This is why I made those tough decisions last year. This is why my present is so different from my past. I want to live life to it's fullest before I'm gone, and I don't want to have any regrets. In the end, it won't matter what others saw in me, it will only matter what I saw in myself."

The Tallest Man On Earth - The Dreamer