Necklace: Target
"These are the seasons of emotion and like the winds they rise and fall. This is the wonder of devotion - I see the torch we all must hold. This is the mystery of the quotient - Upon us all a little rain must fall." - Led Zeppelin
This photo shoot didn't go as planned. I wanted to take these pictures in the beautiful purple mule grass that I took pictures with this time last year. It only stays purple for a few weeks out of the year. However, it doesn't show up very well in photos unless it's highlighted by the sun. There was no sun on this particular afternoon. It was overcast with intermittent light showers of rain. We were halfway to the mule grass location when we realized the weather just wasn't going to cooperate with us. As we were riding down the road, I spotted this old pack house, so we opted to take pictures there instead. We thought we were going to have to abandon the shoot at one point because it started raining, but it eventually slacked off and we were able to get some good shots.
Once we got back home, we settled in for a nice, relaxing evening, but it turned out to be anything but. Jerry and I got into a conversation about my insecurities with other women. He was trying to apply logic to the way I feel, but by the end of the night we both came to the conclusion that emotion trumps logic every time. He told me that he found other women attractive, but that didn't mean he wanted them. Just hearing him say he found other women attractive made me angry. I know it doesn't make any logical sense, but I can't help that stupid feeling that comes over me! I found myself wanting to know right then and there who the hell these women were who he found so attractive. He knew his answers would just fuel my fire, so he held out on me. At that point, I decided to share with him who I thought was attractive and because I was angry, I did not do it in the best possible way. I think I wanted to hurt him, so he could understand how I felt. It wasn't my proudest moment, but it worked. Jerry became quiet and was really struggling with what I had said. He admitted that it hurt him. I think for the first time he understood the emotions involved. While we didn't solve our problem that night, I do think we came to a better understanding of each other.
Emotions are a lot like the weather. We can make plans and have everything in place and then the weather can change everything. We can try to forecast it, but it can be very unpredictable. It's a wild card. The same can be said for emotions. We can apply logic and tell ourselves the way we should react given a certain situation, but when we are actually in the situation, emotions come into play and all logic goes out the window. I guess the best we can hope for is to feel our emotions, let them pass over us, but not let them control us.
Led Zeppelin - The Rain Song
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I think you are heading down the wrong path with this discussion. Men do look at other women, but that doesn't mean they want to be with them. You need to be secure in your relationship, or your insecurities will get the better of you and ruin your relationship.
ReplyDeleteI know that men look at other women, I should be secure in my relationship, and I know I shouldn't get upset about it. However, I can't stop the feeling that comes over me. It's a pure emotional reaction. That's the point I was trying to make with this post. Logic vs. Emotion. We know what we should do, but it's difficult when emotions are involved. Going forward, I'm going to try my best to stay logically and not let me emotions rule me.
ReplyDeleteYou can't control the emotions you feel, but you can control your behavior. If you act like you are the most secure woman in the world, you will become more secure. Fake it till you make it.
ReplyDeleteThanks Kimberly. Good advice. I'll give it a try.
ReplyDeleteEarly in our relationship, I once said something to my boyfriend in the heat of passion that I think was probably, in some way, meant to hurt him. He pointed out how disturbing it is to learn that a person who purports to love you, and who you love in return, would ever do anything to purposefully cause you pain. He was absolutely right, and since that one time I have worked on getting better at keeping love in my heart even in those emotional moments.
ReplyDeleteYou're right that sometimes our emotions do get the better of us, but we can WORK on our reactions to our own emotions and learn to rise above them. The purposeful causing of emotional pain to your partner is in a completely different league than the accidental causing of pain. If you find yourself trying to cause pain as a way of making your point, I would urge you to really force yourself out of that tendency. It is poison, and it is fixable.
This is why you don't let emotions rule the day. Emotions come and go like the wind and the weather. When you let emotions rule the day you become a tyrant, not only to those around you, but most of all to yourself. You become enslaved and imprisoned by your own emotions. Love is not an emotion and it is not a feeling, it is a commitment.
ReplyDeleteYou shouldn't beat yourself up. Most women (I would) would get upset if their boyfriend/husband told them they found other women attractive. Of course your boyfriend (or husband or fiance) qualified this by saying that he wouldn't actually act on those thoughts. I think he should have at least been a little more sensitive and not admitted to finding other women attractive. But it's definitely a positive that he is so candid with you, and you should acknowledge that. When you are feeling insecure, just remember that 1.) You have qualities that other women don't have, because you are you and you are unique. Thus, even if a man is initially attracted to a woman based on her looks, there are many factors that go into determining whether the match is a success. 2.) Even if he did breach your trust and compromise your relationship (worst-case scenario), he would not be a good match for you in the end and you would deserve more.
ReplyDeleteThanks for this JG. Intentionally hurting someone is really out of character for me. I felt horrible as soon as I did it. I let my emotions get the better of me, and I don't want to do that again. I am going to work on this going forward. My plan is to treat my emotions like my anxiety. I'm going to let them wash over me, but not react to them. I think once they pass, I will be able to see things more clerly.
ReplyDeleteIt's hard work, no doubt. That's the beauty of relationships, really, is getting to do the hard work of making yourself better. I really loved the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus." It's a bit cliche and perhaps not for everyone, but I thought it offered some really excellent advice on improving communication in a relationship! Plus, it's an easy read. Bonus to encourage the boys to read it: it makes it a lot easier to snap us out of that knee-jerk emotional reaction we sometimes have! ("Wait, JG, let's do what the book says...")
ReplyDeleteI think with everything in life it comes down to balance. Life would be pretty unfulling if we went around doing the "logical" thing all the time. I think emotions are what make humans so unique. I think they are what allow us to really enjoy life. However, we shouldn't always let our emotions control us either. We have to take each situation as it comes and decided whether we are going to go with our heart or our head.
ReplyDeleteThanks for your understanding, Julia. I was scared to death to post this. I actually sat on it for a couple of days. It's hard to show people your insecure side. Everything you said here makes perfect sense, and I've been trying to tell myself this, but in the heat of the moment, I lose it. From now on, I'm going to do my best to keep my wits about me.
ReplyDeleteIt's all you can do, learn from past mistakes and move forward. I think we all feel insecure at times, just remember its you that he loves and you that he is with!
ReplyDeleteLove the dress and boots together by the way, you look great in these pics. Also, thank you for the lovely earrings! I got them today and coincidentally they are a perfect match to the top I have on today!
I feel like I reading the diary of a very young girl.
ReplyDeleteEmotional maturity means you don't act or react to every feeling you have. I love my husband and he loves me but how can you not notice another attractive human being? I notice beautiful people regardless of gender. It's normal. As long as your SO isn't rubbernecking every two seconds and is respectful I do not see a problem. You need to work on yourself and not have these types of unproductive conversations.
Well congratulations to you for being "mature." I understand there are other people in the world who are attractive. I never said my thoughts were logical. I've acknowledge that it's my own insecurties that are the problem here, and I'm trying to work on them. You, on the other hand, could work on being a little less condescending and rude.
ReplyDeleteThat look is super 90s, in a good way!
ReplyDeleteYeah, I wouldn't be too thrilled if my spouse told me he found other women attractive either, though I am sure he does because he is human. The appropriate response, unless you are talking about some famous person that isn't in your realm of reality, is, "I only have eyes for you, honey!" or "I don't think of them in that way." So, I agree with you on this one, Bonnie. How you ended up in this conversation is maybe an issue to work on (are you feeling insecure with where you stand in the relationship?- this might always be there to some extent due to how you two came to be together (cheating)). I disagree with the commentor below who said you were emotionally immature. I think any woman would not be very happy with how this conversation went down. I think Jerry mishandled it (as did you when you were mad but I think you were trying to prove a point to him.).
ReplyDeleteThat said, LOVE the dress with the boots! What an edgy look! This is probably my favorite outfit you have ever posted, other than that peasant blouse from Ruche (I bought one too, so I remember that!).
You judge by your own values Bonnie. The reason you feel insecure about Jerry finding other women attractive is because you tore up his marriage. He quickly walked out on someone else for you, so you know he could do it to you. You reap what you sow honey.
ReplyDeleteIt kind of worked out for you that he has a wandering eye. Just saying.
ReplyDeleteThis is such a great dress and I absolutely love the way you styled it. It reminds me of a lot of the outfits I wore in high school (in a good, vintage way). I ordered this dress three weeks ago, but ended up having to send it back and exchange it for a larger size. I'm dying to get my new one and start wearing it!
ReplyDeleteI understand where you're coming from with the jealousy and insecurity; I've been there before. It can be scary and hurtful to think of your partner with someone else. While you might not have gone about expressing your concerns in the most constructive way, at least you got them out there. I'm a strong believer in letter your partner know where you stand and what you're feeling--even if those feelings are not entirely rational. It's usually better to get those worries out than to let them fester and grow into something bigger than what they are.
This is going to sound scolding, but I don't mean it that way. This is what happens when you start a relationship with a married person. I'm not saying your love isn't real or whatever, but you know he cheated on her, so what's to keep him from cheating on you? Being insecure sounds pretty logical, actually. He should be worried too! Trust takes time to grow and you two are a very new couple who came together in a less-than-ideal way. Doesn't mean it won't work, but it's going to take more work than your average relationship.
ReplyDeleteOk, so how do you think Jerry's WIFE felt when she found out about you? Your insecurity could also be applied to the old saying "if he'll do it with you, he'll do it TO you". Keep that in mind.
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like you are really having some emotional developmental strides through this whole situation that for most women happen in their early 20s. I wonder if Jerry able to recognize that and be understanding? I just hope that both of you are able to continue in this relationship now that it's just the two of you with "real life".
ReplyDeleteI didn't want to go into the details of the incident, because, quite frankly, I'm embarrassed that I have this problem, but at this point, what the hell. Everybody hates me anyway. I'll just give you all something else to laugh at.
ReplyDeleteThis is not about Jerry having a wandering eye. It's about my insecurities that I've always had even before I met Jerry. I had been with my ex-husband since I was 21. In the 13 years we were together, I always felt uncomfortable with him looking at other women naked while we were watching TV or movies together. It made me feel really inadequate and angry. He knew this was a problem for me, so he would look away from the TV or movie screen when a nude scene came on. When Jerry and I got together, we made a promise to always be completely open and honest with each other. So, I told him early on about my problem and that I understood the way I had handled it in the past was not healthy and that I needed to learn to be more secure in myself. He promised to help me. Since then, Jerry and I have watched several shows with nude scenes in them, and although I felt really uncomfortable, I got through them. Well, a few nights ago, a nude scene came on TV, and I found myself getting really angry. Jerry and I were holding hands, and I pulled my hand away from his. I knew it wasn't right for me to get angry at him, but I had such a strong emotional reaction. After my anger subsided, I cried because I was frustrated with the way I felt. I just wish I didn't care. So, that's why we were having the conversation that I spoke of in the post.
This is not about my insecurities in Jerry. It's about my insecurities in myself. I'm aware that we left our spouses for each other, and now we have been labeled as cheaters. Life is complicated, and I don't believe in labeling people. Besides, he was with the same women since he was 18. Me, since I was 21. I think we've had a pretty good track record up to this point. People change and hearts change. We were not happy in our previous relationships, we found each other, and fell in love. I don't think people should have to stay in relationships out of obligation. You all can label it and cheapen it, but I know in my heart that I made the right decision, and it doesn't make me a bad person.
Once again, instead of having a productive discussion, this has turned into a discussion to point out all my shortcomings. Maybe I am immature. I don't know. I'm just doing the best I can in life. I'm really happy for all of you that are so perfect and have life all figured out. I don't. I'm still learning about myself. I'm doing it out here in the open for all to see because I'm hoping that some people can relate. If not, I'll STFU and just talk about clothes.
So when your cleaning up your child's vomit at 2 am is that an indescribable feeling that us great or is that a commitment? Where would your child be if you only took care of their needs when it felt great to do so?
ReplyDeleteWow! Where are you two in your relationship? Jealously over attraction? Stop wasting your valuable time. I happen to think that you are very attractive Bonnie. So certainly other men are going to find you attractive. I might even find Jerry attractive, but I wouldn't know. I will chalk you up one for turning the plate on Jerry. Some things should not be discussed. Just as my man had better be discrete if he's checking out other women. I know he does it, I just don't want to see it. And worse I don't want anyone else to see his wandering eye. Just as long as it's only his eye that has trouble staying in it's proper place.
ReplyDeleteFor what it's worth I don't think leaving your husband or your new relationship with J**** or cheating or getting divorced makes you a bad person. However you must realize the irony inherent in your last post!
ReplyDeleteWhy should you be secure about your relationship? The man is a cheater. Odds aren't in your favor at all (if staying with this guy long-term is something you want) whether or not he claims attraction to other women.
ReplyDeleteI just want to drop in and say well done for writing about this with clarity and understanding yourself. Please try your hardest to ignore everyone saying that this is "emotional immaturity" (what the frick even is that, anyway?) - putting a lid on the things you feel is harmful, and while maybe you were a little too angry to be having the conversation in the moment, it moved things along, didn't it? Now imagine if you had had all these emotions and done naff all with them... you'd be stuck in a lonely dark place thinking "he likes other people holy god he likes other people what is this feeling what am i what's going on" with nowhere to put that. Talking it through (even if you are angry at the time) is the only sensible thing to do. I really don't know what these other commenters are thinking. I guess they just can't be as in touch with a) their emotions and b) humanity in general as maybe you are.
ReplyDeleteLove is not an emotion or a feeling? Goodness gracious. Of course it is. Look at every dictionary definition. Of course one should not let their every emotion rule the day. As we get older and experience many relationships, we get better at that. It doesn't mean we are always perfect and that we will never mess up. It also doesn't mean that sometimes we shouldn't let our emotions dictate our actions. That's what makes us compassionate and empathetic.
ReplyDeleteI don't know Bonnie's history but if she married her ex-husband at an early age, then she never had the luxury of experiencing different relationships. Also, if she wasn't truly in love with her husband then she may not have experienced the emotions she is experiencing now.
It's as though so many people that write comments on this blog are perfect, self-actualized human beings who never make mistakes.
Love. The. Dress. That said, I can't make up my mind about the boots with it (the boots are fierce), because they cut the long line of your legs (you have terriffic legs). I would love to see the adorable shoes in your last post with this one.
ReplyDeleteAs for the emotional stuff, I think everyone has this issue--and unlike "guest," I will kindly say that most women go through this and it does take some self work to get past that. I'm confident that you will do that and Jerry will help you.
Ok- first off....JEALOUS OF YOUR DRESS!!! I nearly bought it and then didn't and now I want it... see what your pics do to me! LOL and ;) You do look gorgeous in the entire outfit. The boots are genius. Now I am going to read the other comments... I am guessing there will be some interesting ones as there are so many. I hope you have a great week.
ReplyDeleteWho said love has to feel great all the time? And of course with love comes commitment. The point is, love is a feeling. A feeling of deep affection. I don't understand your point.
ReplyDeleteI'm going to echo Kimberly, with a strong suggestion give it more than a passing try; fake it til you make it. I was horribly insecure, hypersensitive, clingy and suspicious for a good portion of my 40 years. It tainted so many good things, and outright ruined more than a few (indirectly). At some point, by being a "good listener" I got a glimpse of someone who did the same thing. Listening to her constant stream of insecurities made me realize that the reason I could sympathize with her so much was that I did exactly the same thing, if anything, worse. It remember making a conscious decision not to be like that woman, because it was really not pretty and seemed to be an endless self defeating loop. I did exactly what Kimberly said. I faked confidence, for real. And while I was at it, I started 'checking out' the women my then-boyfriend's eyes were wandering to. Not THAT way, just detail cataloging. Most of them really were pretty in one way or another, or had one feature that really stood out (or two large ones, as the case may be). I still didn't like it, but it at least was predictable. I would actually pick out who I knew he was going to give extra eye-ball time too, and be right. Nothing ever came from his appreciation of beauty, except that I credit that small change in my observation skills to my great love of people watching today. But I seriously faked confidence and just let those waves of anger and jealously pass unspoken for a long time before the confidence just became a fact. You would never guess, meeting me today, that I was ever that insecure. Kimberly nailed the cure on the head. Stop discussing it and start faking it. Consider the details, it made me a consummate observer.
ReplyDelete