"We fake a fuss and fracture the times. We go blind when we've needed to see, and this leans on me like a rootless tree." - Damien Rice
I'm feeling very isolated and lonely as I type this on a Saturday night. I've spent most of the day by myself with the kids. It's been nice (and trying at times), but it's weird not having my mom around to keep me company. Even though my mom is a hard person to get close to, I've always talked to her at least one time a day whether it be in person or by phone. I crave her love and attention, and it's hard that I'm getting neither right now. She called this morning and asked to speak to my son. She didn't even go through the formality of greeting me. It was like I was the phone operator or something. There's a fracture in my family. I hate that it's there and would like to repair it, but I can't do it alone. I'll continue to hang around and do my part and hope that with time I'll get some help.
I wore this outfit on Monday. I can't believe I'm just now getting around to posting it. I have a backlog of outfit pictures right now. With it being my week with the kids, I just haven't had the time to blog as much. I'll do my best to catch up this week. I'm planning a trip to Anthro on Wednesday. I have no money. I'm hoping to sell a few items between now and Wednesday, so I will have some cash to use with my birthday discount. Keep your fingers crossed for me! I'm especially excited about the possibility of buying something with my discount since the big tag sale is this week. I also plan on doing some reviews while I'm there.
Today's song is "Rootless Tree" by Damien Rice. This song is dedicated to my mom. Please be warned, it has alot of profanity in it. It's ironic because I've never cussed in front of my mom, and I don't think I ever will, but this is what I say to her in my mind. I think if I was capable of saying these things it would go a long way to repairing that fracture. I think in some ways she would respect me more if I really stood up to her. It won't happen, though. I don't think I have it in me. So, this song will have to suffice, and the fracture remains.
Damien Rice - Rootless Tree (Piano Version)
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Blouse: Anthropologie Herritage Estate Blouse
Pants: Pilcro High-Waisted Flares
Shoes: Rocket Dog
Earrings and Bracelet: The Limited
Ring: AE
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It breaks my heart to hear that your parents are treating you like that. I cant imagine what could be so terrible that they would turn on you like that and not be the least bit supportive and caring. You are a wonderful person and someday this will all be behind you. I had a lonely day by myself. :(
ReplyDeleteBonnie, you have more than enough to deal with without having to deal with your parents closemindedness. Emotional blackmail is just evil and you should see it for what it is. Fill your days with things that bring you joy. It is your parents who are missing out on having you in their life not the other way round
ReplyDeletexoxo
Life is too short to hurt the people we love. I hope your mother soon realizes this. I thought parents are suppose to support and love their children ..no matter what...I know first hand that's not true. Some people just do not have it in them to think of others and not themselves. I hope you will put your energies into your children and into making your life what YOU want it to be. The old saying "Time heals everything" not sure if it heals everything, but time will take the "sting" of all this away. Good Luck Nancy
ReplyDeleteHang in there
ReplyDeleteI think your mom will come around eventually. You have to give her time to process what has happened in your life, in the lives of her grandchildren due to your affair. At the end of the day, she has to realize that you are still her daughter, even if you have made a decision that she disagrees with and is saddened by.
ReplyDeleteDon't you think whatever money you earn from selling your items should go to paying for your kids' expenses and not to the anthropologie tag sale?
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry to hear about your fractured relationship with your mom. Being a single mom is very difficult (trust me, I speak from experience) and having a little extra help and support or even just another body around makes a difference sometimes. I don't have a close relationship with my mom, but once I divorced from my ex I was glad that I could turn to her for help with babysitting, or just an occasional venting session.
ReplyDeleteThere is too much overfocus on yourself and all of your feelings of being down. This was going on before you separated. It is depression, but you don't seem to want to recognize it.
ReplyDeleteI don't know...Parents are people above all else and people make mistakes. She doesn't understand you and feels powerless to help so she's angry. I say just let her be for awhile and maybe she will have some time to accept what's going on and be ok with it. You can't tell a cut - heal! Give it some time.
ReplyDeleteThe blog is like her journal, so of course it's going to emphasize her feelings. If she posted about feelings of elation every day, readers would attack her for being too glib about such a weighty transition in her life. Bonnie, I hope you have an outlet besides this blog and a support system because the flack you're getting from those to close to you as well as from strangers is a bit much for anyone to handle alone.
ReplyDeleteGosh! this is so sad to read about personal, familial stuff on the internet caused by an affair. I feel sorry for you that you are lonely and the rift in your family. This is such a trainwreck of blog reading than seeing how Anthro stuff fits on other bloggers of all different sizes, heights and shape.s.
ReplyDeleteI think you need to stop with all the negative comments. This is her blog and she can write and feel whatever she wants. If everything bothers you so much and you have to be sarcastic and critical, then dont read!!!!!! Nobody is forcing you to agree with Bonnie, but i honestly dont see the purpose in being mean.
ReplyDeleteIts her life, she knows best how to live it. And only the ones that are saints can throw stones...
I agree with anonoymous, who posted above
ReplyDeleteAnonymous said...
Don't you think whatever money you earn from selling your items should go to paying for your kids' expenses and not to the anthropologie tag sale?
Seriously!
Kerri: Thanks for the words of support. I'm hoping with time my parents will come around.
ReplyDeleteStephanie: Aw, thanks! Your comment touched me.
Nancy: I thought parents were suppose to give you unconditional love too. Not in my case, I guess. I think you're right. Time is the best thing for all this.
Anon @ 4:28: Thanks!
Anon @ 6:22: Very well thought out comment. What you said makes sense. I hope you're right.
Anon @ 7:17: The reason I don't have any money is because everything I make is going to my kids and bills. I'm selling dresses I already have so I can get a little something for myself. I don't see anything wrong with that.
Melanie: I'm glad your mother was there for you. I wish I could say the same.
Anon @ 8:47: This blog is about me and my feelings. So, if you don't want to hear about me then maybe you shouldn't read it. I'm not depressed. I've been depressed before and this is not it. Actually, I'm very happy in my life right now. I'm just saddened that my parents have chosen to react this way to my pursuit of happiness.
Kate: Good advice. I'm giving her some space, so we'll see what comes of it.
Gigi: Thanks for your support. I do have friends to talk to about this, so that is helping me. It is difficult to get negative comments, but that's the risk you take when you put your life and feelings out there for everyone to see. It's worth it to me if I can help someone going though something similar.
Anon @ 2:33: Sorry if this blog is too real for you. With everything that is going on in my life right now, it's hard to keep this blog light and fluffy and focus only on the clothes. It may be a trainwreck, but that's life. Just keeping it real.
Amber: Thanks for taking up for me. I totally agree with you.
Ann: Like I told the other commenter, I spend all the money I make on my kids and bills, so I don't see the harm in selling some of my clothes so I can buy things for myself. My kids expenses are taken care of. Just because I have kids doesn't mean I'm not human anymore.
Bonnie,
ReplyDeleteJust because your mother does not agree with you, does not mean she does not love you. Unconditional love does NOT mean acceptance of all you do. Think of something very extreme and maybe you'll understand: like your son is an alcoholic, you don't buy him alcohol, but get him help. You certainly don't give him approval or tacit approval for what he's doing.
You mom sees that you are wrecking your life and she's trying to get you to see it. That is what someone who really loves you does. It would be easier for her to just agree with you, but that isn't love. She's older than you and she gets what this is going to do to you. You don't.