Against the Wall

"Your back's against the wall. There's no-one home to call." - The Gossip

Wow, what a day. I'm worn out physically, mentally, and emotionally. I think the emotional part is the worse. You see, my parents have turned against me, and it hurts really bad. They don't agree with the changes I'm making in my life and have written me off at this point. My own father called me a bitch this morning. Words can't even describe how horrible it feels to be called that by your own father. Maybe I shouldn't be airing all my dirty laundry out here for the world to read, but I don't have many people I can lean on right now and there is no one really left to piss off, so I'm going to write about it because it's good therapy for me.

I'm not on drugs, and I haven't committed a major crime. I'm just following my heart and trying to do what I need to do to be a happy, fulfilled person. My parents do not understand this. They don't think my happiness matters. In their eyes, I need to do what they consider to be the right thing regardless of whether it makes me happy or not. In the past, I've never followed my heart. I've always done what would make the most people happy. I've been an exemplary daughter: Valedictorian in high school, 3.9 GPA in college, got married, had some kids, worked the same job for 10 years now, and never given my parents a bit of trouble. Now, I make one decision that I agonized over for months but feel with all my being is the right decision for me, and they turn against me in a blink of an eye. It hurts.

They use the things they've done for me to manipulate me into doing what they want me to do. I don't understand why you would do something for someone and then hold that over their head. I was threatened today that if I took certain action there would be consequences. My back was against the wall, so to speak. I responded by becoming even more motivated to take that action. I'm committed to this thing now, and their hateful words and threats are only adding fuel to my fire.

The thing that hurts the most is having my love for my children questioned. I carried each of them in my body for 9 months, I have cared for them as best as I know how since they were born, and I have always let them know that I love them unconditionally. Just because I want to be happy doesn't mean I don't love my kids. On the contrary, it means that I want to be the best mother I can be for my kids, and I can't be a good mother if I'm miserable. I don't understand why my family can't see this.

Anyway, it's really late, and I keep falling asleep as I type this, so I'm going to run. Today's song is "Standing in the Way of Control" by The Gossip. I thought the lyrics in this one were appropriate given my day. Widgets don't seem to be working on Grooveshark tonight, so I'm posting a You Tube video of this song instead.

Hopefully tomorrow will be a nice, drama-free day. I really need one of those. Good night!






Blouse: Anthropologie Lacey Lanes Tank

Shrug, Earrings, and Ring: The Limited

Jeans: Arden B

Shoes: Anthropologie Raines Heels

Necklace: Anthropologie Gilded Impatiens Necklace



  1. hi Bonnie, its the old saying " we can choose our friends but not our family", just because we are genetically related to them it really doesnt mean that much. what I mean is the soul is what is most important and finding people around you that you are intuned with....and you choosing what you believe is right for you is what you need to grow. some people in our lives just want to control us and the hardest part is breaking free and believing in yourself. Im in a similar situation and I know my mother will never connect to me as their is some underlying jealousy or something I just dont know, but I have accepted this which is the hardest part but worthwhile....keep believing in you and follow your dreams!!

  2. My heart goes out to you. Be strong.

  3. Bonnie, my heart aches for you. I can't imagine the pain you must be feeling. While I've never been in your situation, I do understand how it feels to have strain in a relationship with your parents. I was the same as you...always did what was expected of me and was the "perfect" child. I kind of regret that in a way now, because it definitely makes it harder to make my true voice heard. Know that I am thinking and praying for you (honestly!) and I really hope things start to get better soon. I hope that you will continue to feel comfortable sharing with us. It is so cathartic to get feelings written down! Have a wonderful day, okay? :)

  4. Sometimes your parents can make bad decisions too. I ended a relationship that upset my mother and she didn't speak to me for almost 8 months. It took her a while but she finally understood. Sometimes I think it is a generational thing, maybe life is less limiting for young women today than it was for her generation and it was hard for her to understand why I did what I did. She thought I was ridiculous and selfish but later on she did come around. In the end I was happier and she finally saw that. I hope things get better for you.

  5. If you are thinking of leaving your husband, don't do it.

    It may make you happy in the short run, but it is going to make you miserable in the long run.

    It is easy to blame those close to us for our unhappiness or feelings of emptiness; however, those feelings come from within us, not through other people.

    Please reconsider. Take a vacation, a break, but nothing permanent. You can't 'undo' this and you will be sorry. I think your parents love you and are only thinking of you and your happiness, you just don't see it.

    I got divorced over 20 years ago, things were fine for a while, but the misery it unleashed is unbearable. I wish I could take it all back.

  6. Hi Bonnie, I'm so sorry to hear you are going through such a hard time. I just wanted to give you a virtual hug...hang in there!

  7. Bonnie,
    I am very sorry that you are going through a hard time right now with your family. I think you are brave to share your emotions on your blog. I have followed your blog for some time now. Your photos are lovely and your thoughts are very profound. Hang in there!


  8. Bonnie, I am so sorry for what's going on in your life, and I admire you for being able to take time out to shoot such beautiful pictures.

    You are a brave, strong woman, and of course you love your children and will always try to do what's best for them. It's hard when parents don't see from your point of view, but you know, you're so right, it really comes down to your happiness in the end - girl, here's a HUGE hug virtual hug and kiss! Hang in there, babe! Storms DO pass! :)

  9. Are you getting a divorce? I'm sorry your father is saying these nasty things, but I noticed you haven't been wearing your ring for a while.

  10. missy you have no right to tell her not to get a divorce what is her husband cheated

  11. I am sorry to hear people around you don't understand your desire to be happy and question your love as a mother. Unfortunately in our society a woman is supposed to suffer and keep quiet, especially if she is a mother. This opinion is still widely accepted as normal, especially among the older generation.
    Your situation is close to my heart because my best friend has been unhappy for a while now too.
    I am not going to tell you what to do, only you know that and no one else. I do believe a woman can be a better mother if she is content though.

  12. Definitely be careful. You don't deserve to be called nasty names -- but I end up picking up pieces for people who thought they were choosing happiness all the time. ...

  13. Hi Bonnie, I've been a reader for a long time but I've never commented before. I've been rooting for you to get through this hard time, though. I don't usually like to comment on other people's personal lives without invitation, but I can't believe some of the comments on this thread. Nobody should presume that they understand your situation better than you do, or that their judgment is better than yours. They may think they're just giving you "good advice", but they are being condescending.

    I'm sorry that your parents don't understand your choice, but that doesn't make it the wrong choice. They probably don't mean those things they said about your children, but people say hurtful things when they're not getting their way. You're the one who has to live with your choices, not them. It sounds like you just want to do the right thing for yourself and your family. Maybe they'll understand that eventually. I hope today has been a better day than yesterday was!

  14. Of course it is hard to weigh in on your situation without knowing what 'following your heart' means, but I hope you and your family find peace. And I agree that nobody should be called names, especially by the people that are supposed to love you unconditionally.

  15. Bonnie, I haven't commented much on your blog before but I thoroughly enjoy reading it. I'm sorry to hear you are going through this difficult time.

    My thoughts are with you and I am wishing you the very best. Things will work out in the end, they always do, and you will prevail! :-) You are a strong woman and I believe your strength will carry you through this.

  16. Hang in there, Bonnie! Don't take crap from people, family or otherwise! That is completely unacceptable.

    I hope things are okay with you and your husband. If not, I hope you are okay and are at peace with where you are at (it seems like you are so that is good).

  17. Saw Water for Elephants last night... a line from that movie comes to mind and although I don't know you or your situation, I think it's perfect:

    "you're a beautiful woman, you deserve a beautiful life"

    Sending prayers your way


  18. Make sure you make your decision based on your feelings, not your parents. Life is too short to be miserable. Make yourself happy. If you're happy the happiness of your children will follow. Good Luck Nancy

  19. Wow, this was a thoughtful post and I'm so sorry your family isn't more supportive of your decision, whatever it may be. Hopefully they will come around and support you....families usually do, even if they don't initially agree w/ you. Wishing you all the best!!!

  20. Good luck and have faith in yourself and you can weather this storm.

  21. It seems I keep relating to your posts. I have emotionally abusive parents who have caused me a ton of harm for very similar reasons as the ones you posted about here, so I totally understand how you feel. In my experience, not everyone will, but try to remember that they don't know you or the pain you've gone through. You don't need someone in your life who only brings your life poison, and that includes people who happen to share your DNA. I hope one day you'll find peace with them, but remember to put yourself and your happiness first! I am thinking of you.

  22. I've read your blog for a while and feel as if I know you from the heart-felt way you write.
    I don't think you've used the word "divorce", but if you are considering divorce I urge you to, at the least, take some time to talk to a counselor or someone out of the family loop so you can get some unbiased feedback and perspective. Divorce is hard, but it is terrible when kids are involved. Yes, you need to pursue your own happiness, but you are also responsible for those kids, who cannot make sense of adult situations and adult decisions without a lot of guidance and patience. I divorced from my husband over five years ago. I would love to never see his face again, but the reality is with kids I will have to see him and interact with him for the rest of my life. When there are kids you can never completely walk away from a marriage.

  23. Hi Bonnie,

    I just started reading your blog a little. I don't know you, but from what I have read so far it seems you are doing a great job. Although our situations are completely different, I run into a lot of similar issues. My husband passed away last summer and it's been crazy to try and find the right balance between dealing with missing him, being a single mom and trying to give my kids what they need, but yet be firm with them, and claim so so much needed me time to keep me from going nuts. My parents are behind me but some of my inlaws have turned against me. It sucks, but I realize I can't make everyone happy, and as long as you and your kids are happy, screw what everyone else thinks.
    It seems to me you base your decisions on what's best for your family, and that isn't always what other people think is best. It takes a strong woman to stick to your guns. :)


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