Against the Wall

Bonnie 4/27/2011 23 Comments Edit

"Your back's against the wall. There's no-one home to call." - The Gossip

Wow, what a day. I'm worn out physically, mentally, and emotionally. I think the emotional part is the worse. You see, my parents have turned against me, and it hurts really bad. They don't agree with the changes I'm making in my life and have written me off at this point. My own father called me a bitch this morning. Words can't even describe how horrible it feels to be called that by your own father. Maybe I shouldn't be airing all my dirty laundry out here for the world to read, but I don't have many people I can lean on right now and there is no one really left to piss off, so I'm going to write about it because it's good therapy for me.

I'm not on drugs, and I haven't committed a major crime. I'm just following my heart and trying to do what I need to do to be a happy, fulfilled person. My parents do not understand this. They don't think my happiness matters. In their eyes, I need to do what they consider to be the right thing regardless of whether it makes me happy or not. In the past, I've never followed my heart. I've always done what would make the most people happy. I've been an exemplary daughter: Valedictorian in high school, 3.9 GPA in college, got married, had some kids, worked the same job for 10 years now, and never given my parents a bit of trouble. Now, I make one decision that I agonized over for months but feel with all my being is the right decision for me, and they turn against me in a blink of an eye. It hurts.

They use the things they've done for me to manipulate me into doing what they want me to do. I don't understand why you would do something for someone and then hold that over their head. I was threatened today that if I took certain action there would be consequences. My back was against the wall, so to speak. I responded by becoming even more motivated to take that action. I'm committed to this thing now, and their hateful words and threats are only adding fuel to my fire.

The thing that hurts the most is having my love for my children questioned. I carried each of them in my body for 9 months, I have cared for them as best as I know how since they were born, and I have always let them know that I love them unconditionally. Just because I want to be happy doesn't mean I don't love my kids. On the contrary, it means that I want to be the best mother I can be for my kids, and I can't be a good mother if I'm miserable. I don't understand why my family can't see this.

Anyway, it's really late, and I keep falling asleep as I type this, so I'm going to run. Today's song is "Standing in the Way of Control" by The Gossip. I thought the lyrics in this one were appropriate given my day. Widgets don't seem to be working on Grooveshark tonight, so I'm posting a You Tube video of this song instead.

Hopefully tomorrow will be a nice, drama-free day. I really need one of those. Good night!