Sorrow

Bonnie 1/10/2011 19 Comments Edit

"Sorrow found me when I was young. Sorrow waited, sorrow won." - The National

What a day. Just when you think your life is going in one direction, you hit a wall - hard. I had a great weekend. I woke up this morning feeling great. I even got to work early. Then I started feeling that old familiar feeling of panic creeping in, and I knew I was getting ready to have a panic attack. It was awful! My whole body started burning and I felt like I needed to start running somewhere, anywhere. I tried walking around the building, but it didn't help. The feelings just kept getting worse until it seemed like I wasn't going to be able to take it anymore. I haven't had a panic attack in over a year, so I no longer keep Xanax on me. I knew I needed something to calm me down, so I got a Klonopin from a co-worker. While I waited for it to kick in, I just sat at my desk and cried. I tried to call my mom, but she didn't have her phone with her. I called my sister, no answer. I felt so alone. A few mintues went by and then my phone rang. It was my sister. I told her I was having a panic attack, and she said she was on her way. We sat in her car outside in the parking lot. We had a good talk, and I started feeling better, so I went back to work and did my best to finish out the day. As I type this, I'm feeling very depressed and alone. Like any sickness, no matter how many people you have to talk to about things, this is something you and you alone are experiencing. I feel lost. I just want to feel good again. I'm hoping for a better day tomorrow.

We've gotten a little snow today, so my husband got off work early. I left work early as well, so we had a little time just before it got dark to take some pictures outside. Taking pictures, especially outdoor ones, makes me happy. So, I was determined to take some, no matter what my mood. Yes, I'm wearing the same sweater and belt I wore Friday. I was inspired by Carol to winterize my white Beda dress, and I thought this sweater and belt looked really good with it. Freezing rain was starting to come down as we took these pictures. It is suppose to continue into the night. Should make for an interesting commute to work in the morning.

I've been asleep and just woke up and started typing this. I haven't eaten dinner. In fact, I haven't been eating much at all lately. I should have seen that as a sign. I don't get hungry when I'm anxious or depressed. I hope this is a short-lived episode, and I will be back to my old self again soon.

The song of the day is by the great band The National. I saw these guys live a few months ago and they were fantastic. The name of this song is Sorrow and according to the lead singer, "it's a weird celebration of feeling sorrow... some people like that feeling and they don't want to get rid of it." I'm trying to look on the bright side of feeling sorrow and know that I must be going through this for a reason. Thanks for reading! Have a good night!