Ugly Duckling

Ring: AEO Tiger's Eye Ring

"Where you gonna look for confirmation? And if it's ever gonna happen." - Bon Iver

These pics were taken on a really hot and humid day in August, but I'm just now getting around to posting them. I haven't been feeling the blogging thing lately. It comes and goes - my desire to write and post pictures of myself. I'm one moody motherfucker, so thanks to those of you who have stuck with me through thick and thin.

Speaking of thick, my doctor told me at my yearly physical last month that I needed to lose weight. So, yeah, it's official. I've been diagnosed as a fat chick. For a month, I cut my calories back to under 1300 a day and started exercising some. I lost 4 pounds. I guess I was suppose to be happy about that, but I wasn't. I didn't feel my level of sacrifice equaled my change in appearance. There was virtually no change. I still felt fat and ugly.

Of course, I've always felt fat and ugly, even when I was 30 pounds lighter. Some would say that's just the nature of being a woman. Yeah, I suppose, but I feel like I've struggled with self-esteem more than most. I described in my last post my daily struggle with getting ready to leave my house, but I didn't tell you that I've had days where I couldn't leave the house at all because I didn't feel I measured up to society's standards. I've also had a couple of days where I considered ending it all because I'm stuck in this body and with this face that I hate.

How stupid would that be? To erase myself because of some superficial bullshit? I refuse to go out like that. I have a lot more to offer the world beyond the physical and so much more I want to do in my life. So, it may be a struggle, but I will fight this negative thinking. I will somehow learn to love myself and enjoy life, because it might be over soon.



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