Waspy

Dress: American Eagle Crochet White Maxi Dress

Necklace: Free People Sunset Valley Leather Necklace

"You're cussing a storm in a cocktail dress your mother wore when she was young...All your wrath and cutting beauty, You're poison in the pretty glass. You're a wasp nest." - The National

I got anger issues. I feel like all I do is bitch about things these days. I'm really bummed out about this because I was feeling so positive about humanity when I came home from Bonnaroo, but all these shootings in the news and people just being annoying in general is getting me down.

I'm mad at Facebook and all the stupid people on it. If I have to read another ambiguous status, I think I'm gonna lose my mind. It's a fucking epidemic. As far as I'm concerned, there are only two options when posting a status on Facebook: 1)Don't. 2)Post a clear to read status that does not leave the reader asking who, what, when, how, or why. I shouldn't have to go on a Facebook scavenger hunt to figure out who the hell is sick, dying, or dead. Just state what the fuck is going on in detail or don't post anything about it at all.

I'm mad at Bernie. Why the hell did he endorse Hillary? Et tu, Bernie? I thought you were different.

I'm mad about all the badge licking going on these days. It seems like law enforcement can do no wrong in this country. I assure you that they can. I've experienced it first hand, and have witnessed it through the tragically countless number of videos the past year. Yes, they have a hard job, but it is a job they chose to do and if they are not good at their job then they need to be fired like any other mere mortal would be. More importantly, though, if they wrongfully take someone's life as a result of being bad at their job then they need to be punished.

I'm mad that I will be assumed to be a cop hater or that I'm being insensitive to the cops that were shot in Dallas for my above comments.

Mostly, though, I'm mad at myself...and for shallow reasons. I've gained a lot of weight recently, and I don't know how I should feel about it. Mind you, this is weight gained on top of the weight I had already put on last year. It was a shock when I first saw these photos. I didn't realize how big I had gotten, but after I looked through them for a few minutes, I got used to seeing myself a little heavier, moved on with the editing process, and was ultimately happy with the way these photos turned out. However, I'm having a harder time doing that in real life.

On one hand, I want to love and accept myself for the way I look right now in my life. I'm relatively happy. I've got my usual anxiety and depression issues to deal with, but I love my boyfriend, my kids, and our life together, and these people seem to love me back just fine even with a little more weight on me. I'm almost 40. I had a good run at being thin with absolutely no effort. Do I really want to start with all that weight loss shit now? Working out doesn't make me feel energized. Running doesn't give me a "high." Counting Calories ain't my thing. I love to eat good food. Good food makes me happy. 

On the other hand, I can't help but freak out every time I look in the mirror or feel my noticeably bigger belly resting on my legs while sitting at my desk at work. I feel ashamed that I've let myself go so much and that I'm creeping ever further away from society's standard of beauty. So, I do the thing that millions of women across this country do every single day, and I start counting those calories. I usually last about a day and then I feel like a total sellout because it's not who I am. I don't want to fall in line with the rest of the sheeple and sell my soul to the weight loss gods. So, back to eating I go until I freak out in the mirror again and then the vicious cycle repeats itself.

I really need to decide who I'm going to be. Am I going to be the woman who accepts that she's getting older and therefore, fatter, and move on with her fucking life? Or am I going to be the woman who fights it to the bitter end? The world may never know... I've always been more of a lover than a fighter. Hmpf! How's that for some fucking ambiguity fuckers?