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Dress: Gap
Sweater: Spool 72
Leggings: Old Navy
Belt: Anthropologie
Boots: Frye Paige Tall Riding Boots
Earrings: The Limited

"I used to see the night so anxious, but now I know. The only thing it ever taught me was a grand illusion that comes and goes, the city blanketed of snow. What if we die, no end and no conclusion." -Band of Horses

Well, hello there. I haven't really done a post of any substance since my HPV post last week. Sorry about that, but I just haven't been feeling it lately. The truth is the looming appointment with the gyno to find out if I had cancer or not had me in a pretty bad state of mind. Monday was an especially black day because I broke my tooth while eating lunch and had to rush to the dentist to get it fixed. The thought of the dentist and gyno all in one week sent me into full on panic mode. Thankfully, it's all over now. Well, almost, I still have to go back to the dentist in a couple of weeks for a crown, but at least I have time to mentally prepare for that. As far as the gyno goes, the colposcopy went well. I had my lady parts examined thoroughly with a microscope and the doctor said everything looked great. He didn't even find any areas to biopsy. He did scrape my cervix for good measure but said he didn't think any bad news would come back from the lab, so he would see me back in 6 months for a pap. Me and my shiny clean cervix are SO GLAD that's over.

It's been almost 2 weeks since I've taken an outfit picture. I think that might be some sort of a record since I started this blog almost 3 years ago. Like I said, I just haven't been feeling it. When you've got sickness and death on your mind, outfits suddenly seem a lot less important. These were taken a couple of days after we were blanketed with around 2 inches of snow; hence, the tiny remnants of snow in these pics. Speaking of blanketed, this is my first time wearing my blanket sweater from Spool 72 on the blog. I purchased it way back at the beginning of winter, but I've only worn it a few times. I really like it, but it's kind of bulky, so I tend to reach from my Sunday Draped sweaters from Anthro more than this one.

 So, yeah, death, I've been thinking a lot about that lately. I really wish I could get over my fear of it. My worst fear is cancer. I don't want to know I'm dying. I just want it to happen suddenly. But then if you really think about it we are all dying a little each day, so why would knowing it was going to happen sooner rather than later make such a difference? And why am I so scared of death anyway when I have no idea what's waiting for me on the other side? It's not like this world is an utopia. Uh, it drives me crazy thinking about all this shit.

I guess it all comes down to the fact that I don't do well with the unknown, which is where religion would really help, but I'm not a believer. I mean, sure, I could pick a church and go to it and go through the motions like everybody else, but I don't see the point. I don't want to do something as just sort of a fail safe for the afterlife. I want to really believe in something. Problem is, I haven't found anything out there that makes sense to me. Here's what I do know: I don't know anything. And I'm back at square one...

I don't know if there is any way for me to make peace with death. My mom thinks she's got it all figured out and is all squared away to party with Jesus in the afterlife. I'm happy for her, I really am, but I can't help but feel skeptical when someone who belittles other people every single day of her life deserves a place in Heaven more than I do just because she uttered some words and was dipped in magical water. Oh, but she doesn't cuss, doesn't wear pants or makeup, and doesn't cut her hair, because, you know, that's more important to Jesus than actually being nice to people. Maybe the best I can hope for is to block it out of my mind until I have to deal with it, but I don't do good with avoidance either. Man, it sucks to be me. It would so much easier if I didn't question everything.

It's been kinda quiet here on the old blog lately, so tell me, readers, what do you do to cope with your impending doom? Surely I can get some of you to come out of the woodwork by putting religion on the table. You may not be inspired enough by my outfits to comment, but I would think your beliefs on the afterlife would provide the proper motivation. I mean, if other bloggers can get 200+ comments saying, "You look fabulous!" or "Love your outfit!", surely I can get some "Praise Jesus's" or "Hail Satan's."      

Blue Beard by Band of Horses on Grooveshark



  1. This is a great post. I wouldn't say I think about death all the time, but whenever I do I wish I hadn't. And I'm actually more afraid of a sudden death than an expected one--what if I'm hit by a bus or blown up and there's nothing but a split second of terror and pain standing between the universe with me in it and without?

    This might not be helpful, but I do think it could be comforting that you have kids. I don't have children yet and I'm still in grad school, so I feel like if I died tomorrow, there wouldn't be anything left--just unfulfilled potential. Interestingly, most of the guys I've talked to about this claim that they don't worry about death. I wonder if that's true or if they're just being tough?? I wish I could figure out what makes them so chill and then try it for myself!

    Oh and by the way, I think your outfits and Jerry's photography are a lot better than what you find on a lot of more "popular" fashion blogs. They look like what a real human being, e.g. me, would wear, and be able to walk in without falling on her ass or exposing her lady parts. I think perhaps the reason you don't get hundreds of comments is that you don't try to market yourself or shill for the big-name brands. Which is a good thing, fyi. It just annoys me when I see dozens of comments like "I love your outfit! Check out my blog! Let's follow each other and be bff's!" And I am really disgusted by blogs that try to sell product for their sponsors under the guise of "reviews." I'll just go to the website myself and read genuine reviews from actual customers, thanks.

  2. This post really hit home with me. I feel a lot of what you do and think the same things. Love the earrings and the outfit! Great post today.

  3. Im glad its all positive news, sounds like the worst is over. Love your sweater cape, lovely colours and your earrings work perfectly with it! I always keep a positive attitude, there is always light at the end of the tunnel no matter how tough it gets, have faith that adversities in life make you a stronger and better person.

  4. Bonnie, I am not a fashion-blog-reading sort of person, and I certainly never comment on fashion blogs... I like Anthropologie and from time to time come across Anthro-related blogs, and that's how I stumbled across yours. This was after you apparently had some personal drama that brought the Internet Mean Girls out of the woodwork to hiss, claw, and judge you from the anonymity of their computer screen. I don't know the details (nor do I need to), but I do know that there was something admirable in the way you just kept on going, posting outfit photos and musing about various topics. You have a wonderful tone (in the literary sense), a great sense of humor, and a way of looking critically at the world around you that I find sorely lacking in most people (especially in the world of fashion blogs, where it seems everyone is either sugar-sweet--"Your outfit is so inspirational! You look fabulous! etc; or venomous). It seems to me that in many ways you respect your readers a lot more than those other bloggers--you take the time to write thoughtful posts, rather than just posting OOTD photos accompanied by a lazy "How do *you* make something old from your closet new again? Have a great day!" No, you invite people into your world, and because you defy stereotype in all sorts of ways, it's really interesting! When I first encountered your blog, I thought I had you figured out as a right-wing, gun-loving, Jesus-adoring southern gal (I'm from Texas), but your posts never fail to surprise me--and indeed it's this one about religion that brought *me* out of the woodwork. You are really brave; I could never do what you do! More than that, though, I just thoroughly enjoy your writing. I'm a literature professor and read student papers for a living, and I find your writing style refreshingly open, up-front, and self-aware. And you make me laugh out loud! So, while I believe in neither Jesus nor Satan, I decided it's finally time to write and tell you that I think you're hilarious and wonderful and quite smart, with all your flaws and your good humor, and I hope you keep on blogging, and maybe even writing more professionally at some point.

    As for your thoughts about religion, halleluja! I respect people's beliefs, as long as they don't try to force them on others, but hypocrisy reigns in our world. Have you read Don DeLillo's novel "White Noise"? It is a really fascinating book that seems to be a critique of contemporary American culture but is actually more about the fear of death... I highly recommend it.

    Anyway, I am glad I finally took the time to comment. I've been meaning to do so for a while. I hope it cheers you up a bit to know that, out here in the ether, you make people smile.

  5. Sookie's comment pretty much sums up how I feel: you are a wonderful find in the midst of all the silly fashion bloggers. You're refreshing, and entertaining and thought-provoking. I'm going to say that perhaps the reason you don't receive 200 comments like those fluff bloggers is that you attract readers who don't feel the need to add their two cents to your musings - we read them, take them away, incorporate them with our own outlooks, and just carry on, thankful that you're out there, providing a welcome escape for a few minutes, a chance to think, and some gorgeous photos and noteworthy musical recommendations. Thanks for putting yourself out there, you brave and crazy girl.

    PS: I'm more of a humanist - I believe that THIS life is heaven, or hell, depending on what we make of it, and how we treat others. The beauty of this planet, and all that lives on it - that's what I worship. Glad to hear you got a clean bill of health.

  6. Here's my view of religion. It was created by man because... well, life is pretty darn challenging. It gives people hope. Shit, I wish I believed in it because if you think there's some 'master plan' for you and a 'higher being', you might just be able to get through the tough times a little easier. So I think religion can be helpful to some people. But I also think religion can be really really bad. Heck, it can create wars!

    I think you might really enjoy watching the documentary Religulous (as in ridiculous/religion). Bill Maher pokes holes in alot of the beliefs of different religions. It's entertaining, and I learned some fascinating stuff too. I definitely can relate to Bill Maher's view on religion. To me, Jesus was a man like Gandhi or he was like Mother Theresa. He was exceptional in the way he treated and helped others. But no, I don't think walked on water or rose from the dead or was immaculately conceived. But I agree, it's about being a nice person and treating people well. I don't believe God is sitting up there in Heaven putting check marks in a box giving you a free pass because you attended church on Sunday and said a few "Hail Mary's" but you mistreated others in your life.

    As for death, I think it's the thought of death or the act of dying that is the worst. I think the actual death part (as in... you're dead) is just nothing. I equate it to be unconscious, or sleeping peacefully without dreams. That doesn't sound so bad to me. My sister recently lost her husband, and I think it was the slow rotting of her husband's body giving way to cancer that was the horrible part. Now I believe he's at peace.

    As for not getting alot of comments, I know that for me personally, I'm less apt to comment again on a blog, when the blogger doesn't sort of acknowledge what I wrote in some way. I'm not saying you should because I think you should do what you want because it's your blog. But I do think there are readers out there that aren't as likely to comment again if they get no response back. And I also agree with the other comments here about why you may not get alot of comments.

  7. I know just how you feel - seriously. I was diagnosed with colon cancer - I had about a week of thinking I only had a few months to live. It was scary. I was, again, afraid of death. I thought I had conquered that fear years ago - but it came flooding back with the diagnosis. Surgery was a success and I am cancer free - and I try to enjoy life here on earth as much as I can. My thoughts are haunting, at times. I am more worried about being murdered than just dying. But I know what will happen to me when I die. That is how I handle it - I try to move my thoughts to something else. Keep up the blogging! I LOVE your blogs!

  8. I love your blog. Like other commenters have said I really enjoy your thought provoking, funny, interesting posts and really love the artistry of your photos. They are truly beautiful and do look like an anthro catalog.

    I always look forward to reading your posts:)

    Unfortunately I am often a silent reader not posting very often, but please know there are many readers out there who appreciate your blog!

    I am please for you regarding the good news from the gynaecologist,

    All bathe best and looking forward to many more of your blog posts!

  9. You aren't saved by doing good works. Your saved by accepting Jesus as your savior and by reflecting God's love onto others.

  10. Wow! Now, THIS is a great comment. I'm not just saying that because you're singing my praises...although that doesn't hurt any. ;-) Thanks so much for coming out of the woodwork and writing this comment!

    I absolutely respect my readers and that's why I like to hear from them from time to time. I can't tell you what it means to me to have a literature professor give me a positive critique. You are much more brave than me for choosing to pursue a profession in the literary world. It's always been my dream to write for a living. I wanted to major in English in college, but I let "everyone" talk me out of it, because "they" said it would be hard to get a good paying job with an English degree. I regret it now, but at least I have this blog in which to write down my crazy thoughts.

    Thanks for the book recommendation. I'm definitely going to check it out. It sounds right up my alley.

    *Smiling from ear to ear* :-)

  11. Wow! Now, THIS is a great comment. I'm not just saying that because you're singing my praises...although that doesn't hurt any. ;-) Thanks so much for coming out of the woodwork and writing this comment!

    I absolutely respect my readers and that's why I like to hear from them from time to time. I can't tell you what it means to me to have a literature professor give me a positive critique. You are much more brave than me for choosing to pursue a profession in the literary world. It's always been my dream to write for a living. I wanted to major in English in college, but I let "everyone" talk me out of it, because "they" said it would be hard to get a good paying job with an English degree. I regret it now, but at least I have this blog in which to write down my crazy thoughts.

    Thanks for the book recommendation. I'm definitely going to check it out. It sounds right up my alley.

    *Grinning from ear to ear* :-)

  12. Thanks, Katie!

    I love how we all see things in different lights. You see, I'm more terrified of dying because I DO have kids. I can't bear the thought of not seeing them grow up. And you are so right about guys. Jerry's not scared in the least about death. I'm always telling him I wish I could be more like him.

    LOL! I hear ya about the annoying comments on fashion blogs, but I seem to get the other extreme where people just don't say much at all. I will post an outfit and then it's crickets for days. I will see that I have over 1,000 page views, so I'm like, "Hmm...guess that post was a fail." It's just good to hear from you guys every once in awhile, so I don't get inside my own head too much.

  13. Aw, thanks, girl! I love you! I'll keep what you said here in mind and try not to get too discouraged when I don't hear from y'all for awhile.

    Humanist - This sounds exactly like Jerry. He says it's actually pretty terrifying not to believe in an afterlife because it puts a lot of pressure on this one.

  14. Thanks for the kind and inspiring words!

  15. Thanks, Nicole! Glad you could relate.

  16. Thanks, Serina! Good to hear from you!

  17. Woot! Woot! A comment from Sherry...ahem...excuse me, "SheriBabie." ;-) So good to see you back commenting on the blog! I missed you, girl!

    You went through my worst fear and lived to tell about it. I admire you so much for your bravery and strength!

  18. I agree with everything you said in the first paragraph. My thoughts exactly.

    I've actually seen Religulous, and I watch Bill Maher's talk show on a regular basis. I don't agree with everything he says, but I do agree with his views on religion. He makes a lot of sense and has a funny way of doing it.

    As far as death goes, I don't know why I'm so scared of it. It's like an innate response that I can't control. I went to a Christian school for 12 years, so I've had the imagery of Hell stamped into my brain. I know that religion doesn't make any sense to me, but I think that there's a little place in the back of my mind that's afraid that all those horrible things I heard growing up could be true. Whenever that happens, I just replay George Carlin's voice over in my head: ""Religion has convinced people that there's an invisible man ... living in the sky. Who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn't want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer, and suffer, and burn, and scream, until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you. He loves you and he needs money."

    You bring up a good point about not responding to comments. I try my best to respond to comments, but I've gotten pretty slack about it lately. I have no excuse other than I just don't take the time to sit down and do it. It's something I want to get better at. Thanks for the reminder and the great comment!


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