Blanketed

"I used to see the night so anxious, but now I know. The only thing it ever taught me was a grand illusion that comes and goes, the city blanketed of snow. What if we die, no end and no conclusion." -Band of Horses

Well, hello there. I haven't really done a post of any substance since my HPV post last week. Sorry about that, but I just haven't been feeling it lately. The truth is the looming appointment with the gyno to find out if I had cancer or not had me in a pretty bad state of mind. Monday was an especially black day because I broke my tooth while eating lunch and had to rush to the dentist to get it fixed. The thought of the dentist and gyno all in one week sent me into full on panic mode. Thankfully, it's all over now. Well, almost, I still have to go back to the dentist in a couple of weeks for a crown, but at least I have time to mentally prepare for that. As far as the gyno goes, the colposcopy went well. I had my lady parts examined thoroughly with a microscope and the doctor said everything looked great. He didn't even find any areas to biopsy. He did scrape my cervix for good measure but said he didn't think any bad news would come back from the lab, so he would see me back in 6 months for a pap. Me and my shiny clean cervix are SO GLAD that's over.

It's been almost 2 weeks since I've taken an outfit picture. I think that might be some sort of a record since I started this blog almost 3 years ago. Like I said, I just haven't been feeling it. When you've got sickness and death on your mind, outfits suddenly seem a lot less important. These were taken a couple of days after we were blanketed with around 2 inches of snow; hence, the tiny remnants of snow in these pics. Speaking of blanketed, this is my first time wearing my blanket sweater from Spool 72 on the blog. I purchased it way back at the beginning of winter, but I've only worn it a few times. I really like it, but it's kind of bulky, so I tend to reach from my Sunday Draped sweaters from Anthro more than this one.

 So, yeah, death, I've been thinking a lot about that lately. I really wish I could get over my fear of it. My worst fear is cancer. I don't want to know I'm dying. I just want it to happen suddenly. But then if you really think about it we are all dying a little each day, so why would knowing it was going to happen sooner rather than later make such a difference? And why am I so scared of death anyway when I have no idea what's waiting for me on the other side? It's not like this world is an utopia. Uh, it drives me crazy thinking about all this shit.

I guess it all comes down to the fact that I don't do well with the unknown, which is where religion would really help, but I'm not a believer. I mean, sure, I could pick a church and go to it and go through the motions like everybody else, but I don't see the point. I don't want to do something as just sort of a fail safe for the afterlife. I want to really believe in something. Problem is, I haven't found anything out there that makes sense to me. Here's what I do know: I don't know anything. And I'm back at square one...

I don't know if there is any way for me to make peace with death. My mom thinks she's got it all figured out and is all squared away to party with Jesus in the afterlife. I'm happy for her, I really am, but I can't help but feel skeptical when someone who belittles other people every single day of her life deserves a place in Heaven more than I do just because she uttered some words and was dipped in magical water. Oh, but she doesn't cuss, doesn't wear pants or makeup, and doesn't cut her hair, because, you know, that's more important to Jesus than actually being nice to people. Maybe the best I can hope for is to block it out of my mind until I have to deal with it, but I don't do good with avoidance either. Man, it sucks to be me. It would so much easier if I didn't question everything.

It's been kinda quiet here on the old blog lately, so tell me, readers, what do you do to cope with your impending doom? Surely I can get some of you to come out of the woodwork by putting religion on the table. You may not be inspired enough by my outfits to comment, but I would think your beliefs on the afterlife would provide the proper motivation. I mean, if other bloggers can get 200+ comments saying, "You look fabulous!" or "Love your outfit!", surely I can get some "Praise Jesus's" or "Hail Satan's."