Screen shot 2012-11-20 at 9.47.50 PM
Screen shot 2012-11-20 at 9.46.52 PM
Screen shot 2012-11-20 at 9.31.45 PM
Screen shot 2012-11-20 at 9.50.20 PM
Screen shot 2012-11-20 at 9.49.00 PM
Top: Spool 72 Apple Picking Tee
Jeans: AE Jeggings
Boots: Frye Paige Tall Riding Boots
Earrings: Anthropologie Cloudburst Earrings
"I'm washed up, washed out." - Hot Chip
This outfit is not my normal color scheme for this time of the year. I usually lean toward more earthy tones, especially in the Fall and Winter. It just sorta came together like this when I was getting dressed that morning. I was inspired to pull out this floral baseball tee because a co-worker had worn a floral tee to work the day before. From there, I built the outfit around the colors in the tee. I had a good chuckle before I walked out the door as I glanced over at my bedside table and saw the following photo on the cover of the Anthropologie catalog I had been perusing the night before:
It would seem I got some inspiration, albeit subconsciously, from another source. 
The color scheme might also stem from my mood lately, as I've been feeling a bit washed out. I'm really just disgusted with everything about myself. I'm tired of looking at this same old face in the mirror, I'm sick of dealing with my frizzy hair, but, most of all, I'm depressed about my fat, flabby body. I look so freaking fat in these pictures and that's because I am fat. Well, ok, technically I'm not overweight. I'm at the upper end of my ideal BMI, but I'm not happy with the way I look. My weight situation is very puzzling to me, because even though I haven't changed my eating or exercise habits, I've gained about 10 pounds since last year. Oh, and lest you think I actually have some legit eating and exercise habits, let me set you straight, I don't. I've always pretty much eaten whatever I wanted and not exercised. I know, I know, that's not good for me, but would you diet and exercise if you didn't have to?

Maybe it's old age catching up with me, or maybe it's my pesky thyroid. You see, I have issues with my thyroid, mainly that it doesn't work right. Lately, I'm constantly having to change the dosage on my thyroid medication because my levels will go from normal to way out of wack again. Even more bizarrely, my levels can go in either direction, sometimes I'm hypo and sometimes I'm hyper. Oh, and I should mention that there's nothing physically wrong with my thyroid itself. It just mysteriously doesn't function properly.

I was around the weight I am now 4 years ago when I first found out that my thyroid levels were way off. During this same time period, I started having horrible anxiety attacks. I ended up dropping 10 pounds while struggling through all that, but, strangely, I never gained that weight back until this past year. I even tried to gain some weight back when I first lost it, because I was struggling with hypochondria and was afraid I was dying of cancer. No matter what I did the past 4 years, I stayed around the same weight. Fast forward to today, and the weight is piling on like the leaves in my back yard.

The anxiety, my weight, and my thyroid do all seem to be connected, but I'm just not sure exactly how, and my doctors don't really know either. It's frustrating. I had my blood drawn 2 weeks ago, and my thyroid was off yet again. This time it was a dose decrease. I guess all I can do is take my prescribed dosage, eat better, and get off my ass every once in awhile. I may not lose the weight, but it certainly can't hurt any, especially given that we are just starting the holiday eating season. Meanwhile, I will do my best to take a cue from the holidays and be thankful for what I do have, even if that includes a big fat booty.

       Won't Wash by Hot Chip on Grooveshark



  1. I think you are struggling with a couple of things that a lot of women in their mid-30s struggle with. Our metabolisms do slow down a little around this age. I am 36 and have to be a little more careful then I used to have to be. I used to eat whatever the heck I wanted too and always stayed thin. Now, I just need to watch it a little bit. I have always exercised though. I think it does a lot for me both physically and mentally. You'd be surprised! Might help with some of the anxiety issues and occasional bouts of depression.

    The other thing I think you are struggling with is something that has always been there- body image issues. Your mind knows you are not fat but you look in the mirror and see something different. Preaching to the choir, sister! Try to be kind to yourself. You are not fat by any stretch of the imagination, upper end of the bmi scale or whatever and all. You are beautiful and seem to be finally in a happy place. Enjoy it and try not to worry so much about the rest of it.

  2. You are beautiful no matter what your size. I do know how you feel, though. I've gained about 8 pounds this past year and have absolutely zero motivation to change my eating or lifestyle to lose it. There's no doubt I want to lose the weight, but I just don't want to put in the work-I'm too lazy. Joan from Mad Men is my body-image image-booster. She is one of the most stunning women ever and is by no stretch a stick. Hopefully 2013 will have me losing those 8-10 pounds, but in the mean time, I'm going to try hard to cut myself a little slack and realize that I'm my own worst critic and no one else thinks I'm fat but me. Same for you. Look at yourself through Jerry's eyes! :)

  3. I think you look amazing in this outfit. The colors are extremely flattering and I want everything you're wearing! Bummed that Spool 72 is out of those cute tees!

  4. What colors of the Paige Frye boots do you own? I'm trying to decided which color it get... it's sooooo difficult! They are all beautiful, but I'm trying to get one pair that will go with everything. Thank you! Oh and the pastels look beautiful on you!

  5. Here's a website for a natural health practitioner who has written quite a bit on thyroid disorders. I haven't read these specific articles, but I assume that they may be too "out there" for some as his stuff is generally NOT conventional medical wisdom. In my view he is incredibly thoughtful, and his writing always makes sense to me (though I may be biased, as a total believer in and follower of the "paleo" diet that he and others recommend to deal with modern health afflictions and metabolic disorders).

    Just thought I would pass the info along in case you are interested in exploring different ideas!

  6. hi Bonnie, been lurking a long time but never commented before. i think you look great but i know exactly what you mean. i'm 36 and also "not technically overweight" but "pushing maximum density", as they say, haha. just not comfortable with my body and looking to lose 5 or 10 lbs. i think age has a bit to do with it. metabolism slowing and gravity taking hold. your thyroid is probably a factor as well!

    i agree with Catherine S. about exercise - it is really helpful both physically AND mentally. i, like you, have suffered most of my life from anxiety and depression. i never got any exercise until a few years ago. it has helped tremendously, not so much losing weight but firming up AND providing an endorphin boost that has really helped my mood. you don't have to even do all that much - i mix up walking/slow jogging with light weights and yoga (yoga has been SO HELPFUL for stress/anxiety - seriously, you should consider giving it a shot).

    sorry this was so long! like i said, i think you look great and i really like the outfits you put together (even though Anthro isn't really my style). :)

  7. Thanks for deluking and chiming in here. Jerry and I got out this past weekend and walked the dogs for about an hour. It was great! I can't really do that during the week because of the time change and work, but I'll have to think of something else. Yoga is a great idea. I've done it in the past and enjoyed it.

  8. Thanks for the info! I'll check it out.

  9. Hi, April. I have the Frye's in 2 colors. The one's I'm wearing in this post are Saddle. I also have the Dark Brown ones. They both go with pretty much everything. I get more compliments on my Saddle ones, though.I hope this helps!

  10. Thanks, Sarah! Yes, I got lucky and saw this top when it first came up on the website. I think this top is long gone, but a lot of times Spool gets things back in stock. I would recommend getting on Spool's restock list: They will send you an email when an item comes back in stock.

  11. Yes! This is exactly how I feel Kristin. Thanks for the pep talk!

  12. Thanks for the suggestions, Catherine. I'm going to cut back on my food portions and try to do a little bit a physical activity each day. As far as the body image, you're right. It's something I've struggled with my entire life. It has gotten better with age, but some days I really hate on myself. This was one of those days. Thanks for reminding me to keep things in perspective.


to top