My Worst Enemy

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Skirt: Anthropologie Hellebore Sweater Skirt
Belt: Anthropologie Looping Lanes Belt
Boots: Frye Paige Tall Riding Boots
Earrings: Tree and Kimble

"But the fire beneath my feet came coursing right through me. Though I never said a word, you were always my enemy." - Bear Driver

I really hate certain things about myself. For instance, I'm insanely jealous, have zero tolerance for stupid people (and it seems like most people are stupid), and just all around get along better when I don't have to face the world. Of course, no one would know this by my behavior. I've gotten really good over the years at wearing my social mask. I've said it many times before, but I believe I could be truly happy in a cabin in the woods. I think that Henry Thoreau dude was on to something. I suppose I'm lucky in that my job doesn't require me to interact with people that much, because I think I would seriously lose it otherwise. I wish I didn't feel this way. I really am my own worst enemy.

Jerry always sees the good in people. He never gets jealous when other people have more than him. He's so giving and never expects anything in return. It's sickening, really... Well, he does get the occasional road rage, but, hey, nobody's perfect. Anyway, I'll take whatever he's having, because I feel like such a horrible person for feeling the way I do sometimes. I want to love my fellow man and give everyone the benefit of the doubt, but damn if some people don't make that hard.

I think instead of focusing on what pisses me off about other people, I need to focus on my own weaknesses. After all, my own weaknesses are what's causing me to have these negative feelings in the first place. If I'm secure in myself then there will be no need for me to get upset at what other people say or do. I've come so far already from the scared, shy, insecure girl I was 10 or even 20 years ago. It's ironic that I'm discussing the topic of insecurity on a post where my boobs are so "in your face." I've talked about a lot of personal things on here, but I don't think I've ever written about the hell I endured in high school because of my boobs. I guess that over 20 years later, it's still an upsetting topic for me.      

I hit puberty around 12 and with it came 2 very big changes. I basically went from flat chested to DD's over the Summer between my 6th and 7th grade years. It was insane. I've always been small-framed so big boobs looked crazy on me. I got teased horribly throughout my junior high and high school years. I thought if I could just have small boobs my life would be so much easier. I tried every trick in the book: uncomfortable minimizing bra's, loose fitting clothes, etc. My mom got so tired of hearing me cry, she even tried wrapping them in an ace bandage once. Let's just say uniboob wasn't a good look for me. 

When I was 18, I decided to go to extreme measures and get a breast reduction. My older sister had one when she was 18 and said it was one of the best things she had ever done. It was a long process of driving to Durham several times to have consultations, pictures taken, and a good amount of blood drawn to donate to myself in case of an emergency during surgery. It was some pretty scary shit for an 18 year old that had never been in a hospital a day in her life. The morning of my surgery I completely freaked out. I couldn't believe I was voluntarily going through major surgery just to have smaller boobs. However, once they hit me with the Valium, all my worries slipped away (that Valium they shoot into your IV is some good shit).

It was a hard recovery. I've since had 3 c-sections and bounced back from those very quickly. The breast reduction kicked my ass. However, once I recovered, I was very happy with the results and was glad I did it. Apparently, my doctor was a fan of big boobs, because he only took me down to a C, but they were perky and smaller, so I was happy. I remember going out and buying my first little lacey bra from Victoria's Secret. It was like a dream come true.

Fast forward to 3 babies and 20 pounds later, and they're baaaaaack! Well, not completely, but I'm a good solid D now. It's funny that I went through all that only to still end up with big boobs. I did enjoy them while they were smaller, though. I rocked a lot of tight fitting shirts during my college days. Hell, I guess I'm still rocking the tight fitting shirts now.

Anyway, I wrote all of this to say that I think people and I got off to a bad start. I grew up with the mentality that people were the enemy. Somewhere along the way I started holding what they thought of me above what I thought of myself. I think I still resent them for that. The truth is we're all fucked up. Remember the special fucking snowflake? The best thing I can do going forward is embrace the differences not only in myself but in other people. It would certainly be a boring world if we were all the same. 

Bear Driver - Enemy



  1. I read that first paragraph and laughed so hard because the whole cabin in the woods idea is one I've dreamed of for years! I've never much liked people because they went out of their way to make me feel like some dog shit they scraped off their shoe. I understand trying to change that mindset but it is hard after so many years of thinking and feeling one way about people in general.

    Luckily, now I've made good friends who drag me out and force me to be sociable when I just want to crawl in bed and stay there forever. Sometimes that little kick in the rear is what's really needed. I'm still struggling with my utter loathing of pretty people and rich people and... well you get the idea. But it helps to know that there are a few people out there who like me for me and want me to get out and meet the rest of the world. Because let's face it, as much as I love to laugh, it's hard to tell jokes to an empty room.

  2. I can relate to alot of what you wrote. I was teased as a kid too but not about my chest. I was teased about my big mouth and big lips. Funny that I get the last laugh when they became in vogue and now everyone is getting injections to get my lips. Ha! (I guess that works in your case too. Everyone is getting boob jobs to get your chest!)

    Anyhow, I have a different theory for why I'm critical of others. It was because my parents are very critical and judgmental, and I guess that while growing up, my peers were too. I think I learned that bad behavior of being critical. But I do agree that judging others also has alot to do with insecurity. I need to be secure in myself and not put down others to make myself feel better about me.

  3. I like this post Bonnie, your outfit is quite pretty and you make some interesting points. Keep up the good work.

  4. "...I wrote all of this to say that I think people and I got off to a bad start." Funny, I just finished Silas Marner last night as the hurricane whirled, and this was basically the moral of the story. It's also been my experience. I feel like my mind is an unhealthy dumping ground of negative interactions and so I'm going to begin to exorcise those demons and clear those mental pathways! Maybe I'll make a Halloween activity out of it and go burn something in the backyard!

  5. I must say, I really appreciate your candidness and courage. You seem real and use you blog to express yourself, it's like your diary you choose to share with everyone. It must be therapeutic in a way. I've never commented on your blog before but I can relate to how you feel (minus the insanely jealousy part) and thought it was about time I said hey, I'm reading and I like you for who you are. All the best!

  6. Yes to all of this! I really admire your ability to "expose yourself" and open yourself up to what for all intents and purposes are a bunch of strangers. I can really identify with all of this. I have my own "cabin in the woods" where I escape to in my head. I'm alone there and I don't even invite my famly. My ultimate dream is to move to my own Walden Pond-and I guess I'll let my guys come too. ;-) I suffered (and still do) with the whole boob thing. It doesn't matter how many people envy the big boobs, I envy my sister with barely and A-cup who can where cute little tops and dresses and not worry about having to hide bra-straps. I'm a very solid DD, and would be happy just to go back to the singe letters again. I've considered surgery, and might one day. And let me tell you that those breastfeeding months....? You could see me coming from 2 room away. ;-) Keep up the great posts-you're very brave and have a lot of guts.

  7. Your outfit is so cute!! I love that skirt. I agree that boobs make it tough to dress, alas. I'm worried that if I get pregnant, mine will be enormous. Oof. Oh, by the way, after ogling your boots for a really long time, I finally bit the bullet and bought a pair!! So excited to wear them - they go with everything. They're a pain and a half to take off, though!!

  8. Yeah girl, I hear ya! My favorite nickname in highschool was "jugs"... I know how you feel about not wanting to deal with people. I'm pretty much the same way. People just annoy the shit out of me most of the time and I feel so negative like I never have anything nice to say about anyone or anything. I don't know when I became that way. Isn't it weird? You wake up one day and don't even know who you are anymore. I guess we all just need to take a break and think about what we're happy about and grateful for. Even if it only lasts about 3 minutes!


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