Dress: Anthropologie Dynamic Zigs Dress - Size M
Shoes: Lucky Brand Randy Sandal
Jewelry: The Limited
"The clover under your feet is shooting stars in the night. The people under your feet are shooting stars in the night. The people, all that you meet, they're living in a dreamworld." - Rilo Kiley
I've had the worst sinus headache the past 2 days. The kind that no pain medicine would touch. I went home for lunch yesterday and ended up just staying in bed the rest of the day. Unfortunately, I was in so much pain that I didn't sleep well. Also, it probably didn't help any that I had horrible dreams. I don't remember most of them, but there was one that woke me up in the middle of the night. I was so distraught that I woke Jerry up and told him about it. It's so weird how we only remember our dreams for a short period of time after we wake. I would have never remembered this one if I hadn't recounted it right after I had it.
In the dream, I was trying desperately to get a hold of Jerry. I went to call him, but his icon was no longer on my phone. I dialed his number the old fashioned way, but I just got his voicemail. I left a desperate message telling him to call me as soon as possible. Then, I called all his friends to see if they knew where he was. They didn't. I went to work and looked for him there, but I couldn't find him. I sat at my desk and cried. I was so distraught. I just needed to see him and talk to him so bad. I got up from my desk and went into the lunch room, except it wasn't the lunch room. It was the cafeteria from my high school. There were all these people mingling and talking. Then, I spotted him. Jerry was one of the people. I ran up to him with tears in my eyes and told him that I had been trying to get up with him. He just gave me this cold look and said, "So?" I said, "I really need to talk to you. Can we go out in the hall and talk?" He reluctantly said yes and with a hint of exasperation in his voice told the person he was talking to that they would have to continue their conversation later. Once in the hallway, I took his hands and told him that I had missed him terribly and just needed to see him and tell him about my day. He looked at me with pity in his eyes and said, "Look, I've met someone else. I don't want to see you anymore." Then, a girl walked up, he took her by the hand, and they walked off together, laughing. It was the worst feeling ever and then I woke up. I remember thinking as my mind came back to reality, "I wonder if this is how his ex-wife felt."
It seems we spend our whole lives searching for that thing or person that will make us happy. We endlessly buy things, participate in activities, and look to other people to fulfill our needs. Of course, my mom would say I just need Jesus. Maybe she's right. I don't profess to have all the answers. What I do know is that I didn't feel truly alive until Jerry came into my life. Clearly, I still harbor feelings of guilt over the way things went down. I find myself wishing we could have fallen in love under better circumstances. However, I know that all the experiences we've been through in life led us to the happiness we have found in each other today. I understand that people change and hearts change. I think a lot of people walk around in their own dreamworld, afraid to face the reality of their situation. I know I did for a long time. If there is one thing that I have learned through my experience it's that reality is better. So, what if this dream became a reality and Jerry did find happiness in someone else? Yes, it would hurt really bad, but, in the end, I would be happy for him. I know if the situation were reversed he would feel the same way for me.
Rilo Kiley - Dreamworld
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Beautiful outfit!
ReplyDeleteIf you dont mind me asking..im just curious about what jerry thought of your dream?
And then in the dream, the girl who was laughing posted all the lovey dovey emails he had sent to her during the affair online and spent every day talking about how happy she was that she was with jerry with a smug smile and talking about how haters gonna hate (merry Christmas haters!!) when people tried to get her to stop. Oh and then she tried to say everyone was okay with it because her husband has a new gf so they've totes moved on LOL (yea I still remember that post and it gave me the shivers)! Dare you to post this.
ReplyDeleteI'm all about analyzing dreams, but at 2:30am I was just interested in reassuring her that I was there and we were fine. I did find it interesting that I was just another pedestrian in the cafeteria. As in perhaps I wasn't the person she thought I was. I used to try to understand what she saw in me. I've been unable to get my head around it. Sometimes it seems that she's built me into a character that's hard to live up to in this forum. I appreciate the props, but in my late mother's words "I'm no hero. I'm just a cheerleader" (okay mom stole that). All I know is that I love her, so I can relate to the insecurity. that's what I think this dream is about. Insecurity. She sums up how I feel too. If she should awaken from this beautiful dream world we're living in, I would only want the best for her. For now I say we stand in the sunlight, and not worry about things that may not be.(again, stolen) For those of you thinking we go through our days harping on these things, we don't. We're eating cheap chinese in bed while watching tv, doing homework, and dishes and such. Why just last night I was chasing a chicken through the living room. True dat.
ReplyDeleteAh, you left out the part where you zurberted me. Yes, folks, his idea of comforting me in the middle of the night was to plant a big 'ole zurbert on my chest. "I'm no hero" indeed...;-)
ReplyDeleteIf that is what gives you the shivers then you must not get out much.
ReplyDeleteI shared the details of a very important event in my life 6 months after the fact in a way that was not disrespectful to others. I can not be responsible for the decisions of others to come on here and read it. I have never been smug about it. The "haters" have been way more vicious to me than I have ever been to anybody. I know saying this isn't going to convince you or anybody else. I just wanted to tell my side.
Enjoy all the likes you will surely get on your comment.
Hey gotta love those run of the mill chicken running through the house, zurbert kind of days. I know I do. I gotta get a chicken first though. :) Jason and Stella enjoyed seeing you guys the other day. :)
ReplyDeleteFor clarification this was up around the neck line. Don't want it to sound like you had a bad dream and my answer was a motorboat. You were still oppressed by the weight and reality of the dream. I thought it would lighten the mood and bring you back a bit. Didn't really play out that way. =/
ReplyDeleteit's strange but sometimes I have dreams that my husband is with someone else and left me. I hate these dreams, they are the worst! I wonder why we even dream about this kind of stuff.
ReplyDeleteI will say I'm impressed you posted that. I'll also say you and I must agree to disagree on what's considered "disrespectful" because I think posting your about the happiness you gained at the expense of someone else's 20+ year marriage every day is pretty darn disrespectful (and it might have been six months after the fact when you posted the emails, but noooo way was it six months after they found out the truth that you started posting about the two soulmates who fell madly in luuuuv. I'm a reader from way back and I passed second grade math). Also, there is never an appropriate time to post emails like that on the internet for all the hurt parties to see, even if it's 100 years after the fact.
ReplyDeleteTo be perfectly honest, I think dreams like that are totally normal. Yes, they show insecurities but when we really care about someone, it's practically impossible to keep those insecurities in check during our unconscious moments. You're lucky to have someone like Jerry to reassure you that it was, in fact, just a dream.
ReplyDeleteThe only thing I wonder is if you would really be happy for him if this dream were to be actually be true? I've found that in good times in relationships, it's really easy to feel this way. Like, you love the person so much, you just want them to be happy at all costs. In reality though, this is very rarely the case. Love is somewhat conditional on the person we love loving us back. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't necessarily want bad things to happen to this other person.... I just don't know if I would be authentically "happy" for them. In reality, I'm more likely to feel happy for someone the less attached I am. I can think of exes that I am happy for, and usually those relationships while good, lacked the deep passion and love I've felt for exes that I wasn't happy for... Does that make sense?
Anyways, I hope you never really have to find out if you would or wouldn't be happy for him. You guys seem to have a strong relationship, and you make each other very happy. Sounds like a recipe for happily ever after.
Btw, I love your wedges. Very cute!
I've heard two theories of dream interpretation. One suggests that everyone (or maybe even everything) in the dream represents some facet of yourself. So, you're you, you're his friends, you're the high school people, you're Jerry, you're the new girl...
ReplyDeleteThe other suggests that almost nothing in a dream represents what it actually is, and it's more important to ay attention to how you felt about things. So, it's not about Jerry now or before, it's about something in your life that is making you feel the way your dream-self felt about the situation — whether that's sad, or afraid, or lonely, or whatever.
Just some food for thought.
what in the world is zurberting?
ReplyDeleteBonnie, I still read even though I rarely post. Sometimes it is hard to make a comment on your deeply personal posts. I really don't know how else to explain my absence. I do still read all of your posts and I always enjoy seeing your pictures.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, I read this and the comments that followed and I felt the need to respond. This is what I wanted to say:
I also disagreed with your decision to post the emails. I thought it was a little mean is all.... However, while I disagree with that particular decision, I respect that it was your decision to make. I understand that you were probably reflecting on your own decisions at the time and that you were going through a difficult time. I have never judged you for any of your personal decisions. Even when I have not liked what you chose to post, I did not dislike you. I find it sad that so many people grew to dislike you personally after those posts. I am not one of them.
That was the whole point of that paragraph. The last sentence. I may not comment as frequently, but I still like you and I enjoy reading your blog.