My My

Bonnie 2/01/2011 17 Comments Edit

"What if all my enemies were dead and I could forget everything they said. Could I be then who I really am?" - Menomena

Well, it's been a hell of a day. It seems like my usually boring life has been a dramafest lately. I really don't handle this kind of stuff well. I'm feeling the anxiety creeping back in again. If I could think of one word to describe today it would be "hate." As I start to type all this, I'm scared that I'm going to offend someone. I'm thinking, "What if someone thinks my song lyric quote means that I want to kill all of my enemies." "What if I get some more negative comments." "What if, What if..." This is just crazy. I feel like I have to be scared to express myself. I'm not going to be bullied anymore. This is my blog, and I will say what I want to on it and if you don't like it then don't read it. Simple as that.

Where is all this coming from? I would love to tell you all the whole story, but then I would be accused of stirring up drama, so I'm choosing to keep the details to myself. Of course, now I'll be accused of not telling the whole story. I can't win! So, I'm just going to express how I feel and if someone finds fault in that then so be it. I can't type a shinny, happy post when I'm not feeling very shinny and happy!

I've been through alot of personal stuff the past month. Add to that being called nasty names and having my character attacked, and I'm in a pretty low state right now. It hurts. To top it all off, my dad called me tonight and vented about alot of negative family stuff. All I could do is sit there and listen to it as he ranted, raved, and cussed up a storm. I'm so tired of all the hate and negativity!

I've spent most of my life living inside my head. When I was little, I would play with my toys in the closet by myself. My mom says she thought I was weird. LOL! I had a few friends, but I was really shy, so I was more of a loner. In college, I lived at home and commuted to school for 3 out of my 4 years. I had a 3.99 GPA (one B in Finance - still no good at finances LOL!), so I spent most of my time studying. I think I went out to the clubs like 3 times. After studying, I spent most nights watching Star Wars, playing Tomb Raider, and chatting with my guy friend on ICQ. I've had very few meaningful relationships with girls. I've always gotten along better with guys for some reason. Anyway, the point is I spent most of my life being a shy introvert who didn't ever say what was on my mind.

After my experience with anxiety and panic attacks, I decided that I wanted to live my life differently. I wanted to be more social and go out more. I wanted to express myself, and have meaningful relationships with girls. So, that's what I started doing, and it has changed me. I'm starting to figure out who I am as a person and what I want out of life. I've started opening up more, but now, I realize by doing that I open myself up for criticism. Now I'm feeling like I need to go back to the way I was before. At least then, I didn't step on anybody's toes. I wasn't on anybody's radar.

Man, this life thing is pretty hard to navigate. I'm feeling pretty lost right now. It seems like the things that I have brought me the most joy have also brought me the most pain. Obviously, this excludes my kids. They are one constant joy in my life. I love them, and I'm so proud of them! My boys got their report cards today, and they are both doing so well!

Anyway, it's getting late. I had to stop and rock my little girl to sleep, so I've kinda lost my train of thought now. I just want to thank you guys for sticking with me through all this drama. My life is not usually like this. Hopefully, I'll be back to "normal" posting after tonight. I just have to write what I feel and this is what I'm feeling right now. I did take some outfit pictures today, so I'm going to post those.

The song of the day is "My My" by Menomena. The lyrics in this song just seemed appropriate, and no, I'm not thinking about killing all my enemies! LOL! Just wondering what it would be like if I didn't have any. Have a good night!